Incapable of making important life decisions on your own? I thought so!

But fear not, help is at hand. I, Gilraen, will grasp your posed problem firmly by the short and curly's and offer up a solution in hours, not weeks!

I don't mind listening to your inane ramblings. In fact- I enjoy it!

So feel free to ask me anything that's troubling you about S-E-X, Relationships, Your Career, Family, that weird bloke who won't stop stalking you.......you get the idea.

Dear Gilraen,

I've been told by someone close to me that I'm arrogant, foolhardy, easily seduced, and not prone to listen to the advice given by others.

Any suggestions?

Isn't this how all butch men act?

Your smashingly handsome friend,
Boromir

Hmm....sounds like this 'person close to you' is jealous of your looks, charm and life in general.

As for being easily seduced..........there's no shame in being the local bike dear. If everyone around likes a ride then it shows how popular you are!

Take pride in yourself and listen not to the spiteful words of others. But as your not prone to listening to advice anyway, you'll probably ignore me and I'll have just wasted the last five minutes of my life that could have been put to better use.

Ta Ta!

Dear Gilraen,

I am about to go to a family reunion. Specifically, my lover's family reunion. More specifically, I am a dwarf and he is an elf. How do I make a good impression? How do I keep them from killing me? How do I act graceful or not-as-clumsy or get rid of their preconceptions?

HELP!

A suggestion for good gift and clothing ideas would be nice, too. I have a suspicion that the traditional Dwarven Special Occasion Helmet with the gold plating would not be appropriate...

Yours hopefully (and hiding from potential looks of disgust),
Glee

Let me get this straight- you, a dwarf, are shagging an elf?

Can I ask how the hell that happened? Are you the one dwarf in the history of Middle Earth that's actually handsome, or is it low self esteem on the elf's part and he thinks that he can't do any better?

Either way, you are punching waaaaaaay above your waistline, and I'm talking a different LEAGUE.

You should be thankful that the relationship got to this stage really.

Meeting your prospective in-laws is nerve wracking enough for anyone, but for you it will be especially terrible.

It looks like you have no choice but to cushion their blow by showering them with expensive and outlandish gifts. I suggest a case of champagne, some caviar, silk drapes, you get the idea.

As for acting graceful......I wouldn't push it dear. There's no point hoping for the impossible now is there? Set realistic goals and just try not to set fire to yourself during the meal.

Good Luck!

Dear Gilraen,

There's this girl, and she's really... special. I really like her, it's just I only have prior *ahem* 'experience' with men, and this girl seems really hostile towards me.

I tried the same approach that has always worked with men: walking up to her and saying 'my room, ten minutes'; but all that achieved me was reconstructive surgery and three weeks' voice training to get my voice down to it's original octave.

Can you help? Suggest some chat up lines? Something?

Arathor - I mean... um, A. Bloke.

Well sonny, no wonder she's hostile towards you if you've entertained more men than a stripper in an army base!

Hmm, this situation sounds awfully familiar. But anyway.....

Some flowers (NOT from the local garage forecourt) and a good-quality line-delivery are now your only hope of rectifying this situation.

Song lyrics make wonderful chat-up lines. Just choose the right one (And I'm talking about 'Heaven must be missing an angel', NOT 'Smack my bitch up').

Some money, persistance and a dry-cleaned two peice should have you back in her good books in no time.

Best of luck flower.

Dear...woman-type being,

I am so stressed. All I hear day after day is whining, whining, whining. "Námo, help me", "Námo, I lost my dildo", "Námo, my lover can't get his dick up". It is so fucking tiring. I feel so unappreciated. When does anyone think of me? What do I get in return?

I mean, I help people. Is it too much to ask that they show a little appreciation? This one guy was fucking impotent, and I cured him. All I asked was that he kill himself, and he could not even grant me that. Ungrateful bastard...

ANYWAY, as you can see I'm in a grumpy mood these days. Even my sex-slaves are beginning to complain. "Námo, you're too rough", "Námo, use lube", "Námo, not tonight, I have a headache". Fucking ingrates.

So...uhm...if you like, know a way for me to relax and get back to my own self again, I would very much be grateful. It's so hard to find good sex-slaves these days. They take a great deal of training, you know. I'd rather not replace them. Fuck. If I wanted whining I would have gotten married...

How do I cope with this constant lack of appreciation?

Sincerely,

Vala in distress

Honestly, bitch bitch bitch- you should hear yourself!

Have you ever heard of the saying 'There's plenty more worse off than thee?'

Thought not.

You should consider yourself bloody lucky to have sex slaves at your disposal for a start. The most regular bit of filth I get is a Friday night grope round the back of the local chippy, and that leaves a lot to be desired, let me tell you.

You and me both are lucky to be earning a living by helping Joe Public out with their various unsavoury personal problems and the least we can do is put up and shut up.

I know in my Dad's day we would have been shoved down t'pit 23 hours a day for half a mouldy bread crust.

Think on.

Dear Gilraen:

What do you do for your lover when they have PMS. I know he dosen't REALLY have PMS, being a guy and all, but DAMN he sure acts like it! So what would I do i he was a she?

Just curious, cause I don't want him to rip my snake off, not that it is finally awake.

-G

P.S. - Tell Namo to get over it. I am NOT going back there any time soon. Me and my anaconda are happy right here in Imladris.

Yes sonny- PMS is a bitch. I feel your pain. But worry not. I have some handy hints to help you through......

If at the particular 'time of the month' your lover asks you any of the following questions, the answer is always....ALWAYS a resounding 'NO'-

Have you ever slept with...........? (Don't even wait for the end of this question. Its always 'No')

Would you get back with your ex if..............? (see above)

I bet you're completely different when your out with your mates, aren't you?

Do you fancy my friend?

Do you know who shaved my eyebrow off?

Does my arse look big in this?

This should keep him on an even-keel (mood wise) until said PMS passes, and discourage your better half from giving you the sharp end of a bollocking every ten seconds for doing nothing.

Of course there are always the situations that can never be avoided. I remember Daddy returning from work one Spring morning to find Mummy hunched over a dead snail on the garden path, crying hysterically.

But let us not forget that your she is in fact a he, and therefor the best thing for him is probably a good hard slap.

Best of Luck!

Dear...woman,

I fear something is terribly wrong with my horse. She seems to be going insane. Now, I never really thought about it, but do horses get in their...monthlies, just like you...or...eh...you know.

She's freaking me out.


Sincerely, Théoden King

Dear Theoden,

In answer to your question, no, horses DO NOT menstruate.

They do however get sexually frustrated. When was the last time your mare had a decent bit of filth? She's probably hearing her internal clock ticking away. I'd get my hands on a stallion if I were you.

Having to watch them going at it at all hours of the day and night will be a small price to pay for peace of mind.

Think on.

Dear Gilraen,

How can one repent without giving up an enormous ego?

Grumpily,

Oropher

Repent? Pah, don't believe in it myself.

Guilty conscience chipping away at you is it? What have you done now- shagged your cousin? Nothing would surprise me where elves are concerned.

My answer is simple- don't bother repenting. You're immortal so there's not a very great chance that you'll ever be made to pay for your sins infront of an almighty power anyway.

Your 'enormous ego' as you put it (perhaps substituting for a lack of anything substantial in the crotch department) sounds like it is your only half-decent quality so you'll want to hold on to it.

Your wasting guilt can be easily handled with our good friend alcohol. Think on.

Dear Gilraen,

I unfortunately am a Maiar with a disastrously bad reputation amongst Elves and what i want to know is how can i engage the love of Melpomaen, one who i have been wanking over, er fantasising about for quite a few weeks?

Is it flowers, chocs or something else?

Please help, i am at a loss, especially if Haldir gets there before me!

Bites nails at the thought......mmmmmmmnnnnnn...

Yours in severe desperation,




Morgoth the nice........

Well for a start your coming across far too desperate dearie.

OK, so you probably haven't had a sexual relationship for years (at least not with another person anyway) but you can't SHOW IT.

You go out and get yourself dolled up to the nines (but no skintight leather spats please) and walk into this Haldir's favourite nightspot with your head held high. You will ooze confidence (but not cockiness) and will look like you have all the sexiest elves hanging off you every night of the week.

You might not feel like it INSIDE but feelings aren't important. As long as you get your man, that's the main thing.

Beleive me, I know. I haven't got the nickname 'Ranger's Ride' for nothing you know.

*winky winky*

Dear Gilraen,

There's only one person I truly love.

And yet, I find myself shagging others, just for the challenge (and the good sex, of course). I just can't help the flirting, and they seem to simply fall into my bed.

Should I feel guilty? I sleep like a big baby.

Should I tell the love of my life about my little "sidelines"?

Pondering,
~ B

Dearest Gilraen,

I did not know i was coming along as that, er...desperate - but you have to believe me for once, cause i AM!!!!

My dress sense is a bit of a problem due to my large size, and not just my body either, and i am not bragging!

So i will have to get a special tailor on hand to furnish me with rough drafts of outfits that will make me the dish of the day, in Rivendell or Lorien.

Ranger's ride, eh...you wouldn't have a problem with a tall, well built Dark Lord would you?

Yours, wouldn't mind a back rub from you,

Mo!

Dear B,

How many times? Guilt is weakness where I'm from. Never feel guilty for anything, and don't apologise for your roving trousersnake either.

If you stick to one man your entire life, well, that's all very well for my friend Celebrian (she never did have much taste) but however will you know if the grass is greener on the other side of the pink fence? Exactly.

Experimentaton is a GOOD thing, so you go out and let all the rentboys you can find hang off you until you resemble a human cup-tree.

But you might want to mention it to your other half before you walk he/she down the aisle. There's nothing worse than being stuck with a nasty infection in the nether regions during your honeymoon.

TA TA and Happy Rutting,

Gorgeous G

P.S- Incidentally, live yogurt will sort out those infections a treat.

Dear Gilraen,

Being an Elf is not all it's cracked up to be, there's a lot of responsibility involved, it's not all strawberries and trips to the local hairdresser in Rivendell - and soirees with Elrond and The Twins.

Could you suggest me ways i can unwind from a stressful day at work, as i am at my wits end, also could you tell me why i have kept the same Elf for all these years?

I think i need a change, don't you?

Yours, needing loads of help,



Celebrimbor.

Dear Celebrimbor (blimey, what a mouthful- just the way I like it- steady),

Ever heard of no-strings, casual sex?

It's a great way to unwind after a long day at the office, or in your case, tree. There are some fantastic brothels in the woodland kingdoms (I should know, I worked in a few of them). There's no shame in paying for it cocker.

Just be sure to keep a jacket on Cheeky Charlie during the deed. The last thing you want is some bird/bloke turning up on your doorstep nine months later with a nipper in one hand and a court order for child maitenance in t'other.

As for your fretting over 'I've been with one partner all these years and grumble grumble grumble.........'- don't waste another second on the useless s***e. He obviously isn't coming up with the goods in the sack, so ditch him and move on- to a male whore if you have to.

Good luck,

Gorgeous G

Dear Gilraen

Please, please help me! Everybody here just tells me I just have to be dutiful and obedient (“Just lie back and think of Gondor, madam”), but I am rapidly going mad with frustration and loneliness.

It doesn’t help that my situation is nearly all my own stupid fault. Last year I married a man 20 years my senior, in the mistaken belief he would be a witty, elegant version of my own dear father. It’s not as if dear papa forced me to the match, though he did point out that at 26 I only had three other choices – the shelf, perpetual virginity with the healers, or a horse-fixated distant cousin from Lossarnach. What young woman’s head wouldn’t be turned by the prospects of jewels and sumptuous robes and of being the first lady of a great city? I wouldn’t even listen to my beloved younger brother, who was begging me to change my mind almost until the moment he signed the marriage contract on our father’s behalf.

Now please don’t think that I’m a blushing ninny only just wearing her first long gowns – I know what the duties of a wife are, and truly I want to be dutiful and loving and give my husband children, but … my marriage bed is not a place of passion and dreams but of pain, humiliation and nightmares. My long dreamed-of husband is suspicious, cruel, and jealous beyond all reason. D. is desperate for an heir – dynastic longings run in his veins instead of blood – but his anxiety makes him incapable of the act of love more often than not. He blames me, of course.

Apart from the daily lectures on how I should behave as the wife of the Steward’s heir, he can scarcely be bothered to speak to me except to enquire from one month to the next as to whether I am breeding yet. One of these days I fear I will lose my temper and tell him that if he’s so anxious for an heir, he will have to do rather more than just stride impressively into my chambers late at night wearing that black velvet robe with the fur lining he thinks he looks so good in …..

Now I have the chance to get away from the nightmare for a while. My brother came on a visit, and was so shocked by my pale and haggard appearance that he managed to persuade my father-in-law that I was missing the sea air and needed to escape the summer heat of the city for the good of my health. D. was away with the army for once and when he returned and heard of the plan he was furious, but he daren’t oppose his father’s wishes. Why he should be in such a state I don’t know, I shall be perfectly safe on the journey as not only will my brother and his escort be with us, but the Steward is sending an entire squadron of the City Guard as well, under the command of that soldier of fortune who’s made such a success here, Thorongil, I think his name is.

Now that I have the chance, I can’t bear not to see my home once more – once there I’d refuse to return, if I wasn’t certain that D. would arrive with half the army of Gondor to drag me back again. But please tell me, dear Gilraen, how I can go on living when I do return to the city? I fear that D. will find some way to take his revenge on me for this journey. Already he has managed to dismiss almost all the ladies who came with me from my home, and he reads all my letters, if I do not smuggle them out through young Ioreth who works with the healers. If you can help me, enclose your reply to me in a letter to her about something innocuous like supplies of healing herbs.

Yours in fear and haste

Finduilas

Blimey love, talk about cloak and dagger.

Your old man can't be that bad can he? I mean, you've already done half the work (marrying into fame and wealth) and I imagine that you're lounge/diner has been featured in the Middle Earth edition of 'Hello!' magazine more times than I've had awkward fumblings in the kebab shop alley.

All that remains now is to get a bun in the oven- which should be a piece of piss, let's face it. You've just admitted that you currently have half the army of Gondor at your disposal, as well as that smarmily-handsome bugger Thorongil (none of which need to be asked twice where bedroom actions are concerned). So what are you waiting for, an invitation? 'D' is clearly firing blanks so seize your oppotunity by the short and curlys and drag a red-blooded male into the nearest bed while you still can.

If you're succesful, upon returning home to the loving arms of your Hubster, you'll have some joyous news to tell him (which should take his mind off your dissapearing act almost immediately). Be sure to get him drunk soon after your announcment as well- this should distract his attention away from the dates and thus, quell any suspisions he may have about your ligitimacy.

Problem solved. In nine months you'll have a nipper, he'll have an heir and everyone can get some peace (including me).

Unless of course, you are barren. In which case, perhaps suicide?

Just a thought,

Gorgeous G

Dear Gorgeous,

Might i commend you on the great advice you gave me the other day, i found it made me feel a whole lot better and currently have taken said valuable advice and now am in posession of two male whores called Elkerion and Velemor, there is no danger of me getting naught in the sack this time!

Strawberries are just the ticket to lure these naughty scamps in - like old tovey to a hobbit!

Looks like i will be spending many happy years with these two, perhaps i will have them live in - they can be my maids too - oh happy days!

P.S. crate of strawberries as a gift coming your way soon. ty!


yours, Celebrimbor!

Much obliged for the gift basket.

It arrived this morning and I spent a few fabulous hours eating the strawberries off the body of a nearby male (I had to pay him, but where's the shame in that?).

Congrats on getting your male whores. May they live long and stiffly (*snort*).

All the Best chuck,

Gorgeous G

P.S- I hear tell 'Kinky Kit' sells some great leather/spandex maids uniforms with wipe-clean gussets.

Dearest Gilraen,

Am so glad you like the gifts..... i actually left two baskets out there, but Elves, you see, where there's strawberries there's Elves that'll nick 'em! :strawberry:

Not sure who would have done such a thing, but i may have a photofit...:legolas:

So glad you enjoyed them from a very nearby male....mmmmnnnn, they taste so good from a live body, don't they.... :makeout:

Though i am having problems with one of my whores as he has a touch of the.....er.....thrush... :blink:

Would you have any treatments for this in your area?

Yours desperately,


- Celebrimbor.

Dear Celly,

Some live yogurt will fix that thrush up a treat.

And for the Valar's sake, make sure it's plain old live yogurt. The last thing you need is to be picking bits of Muller Fruit Corner out of your whore's foreskin for weeks afterwards.

(ideally it should be eaten- did I mention that?).

Ta Ta for now (I have Rangers to stalk in the Pony)

Gorgeous G

Dear Gilraen,

Thnks muchly for the advice too - live yoghurt eh? All i can think of is that i must be working my Elf whores too much. Perhaps i should give them a day off?

What do you think to that suggestion?

Is it wise to do that to a couple of Elf - whores?

Smearing yoghurt over one now - my he does taste good!

Ta - tar!

yours,

-Celebrimbor. :makeout: :smooch:

Dear Gilraen

How dare you suggest that I consider leaping into bed with the common soldiery of Gondor! We may only be tributary princes at Dol Amroth but even we have some standards. And calling that Thorongil "smarmily handsome" ? Have you ever seen him close to, especially after a week's travel, with not enough water to wash in?

At least we are all out of the White City and on the way to Dol Amroth and the sea - we have stopped to rest the horses in the midday heat. I must pause now - my brother is asking to speak to me. (About time, he has been swopping rude soldiers' stories with the captain all the way here and scarcely spared me a word. I wonder what he is grinning about?)

~a little later~

My dear brother came to tell us that the Captain's scouts have found a place nearby where we can not only replenish our water-barrels but bathe! My ladies, being inbred Gondorian prudes, are taken aback at the prospect of leaping into open water in a state of nature with two troops of guards within call, but the thought of being clean for the first time in a week soon overcomes their scruples. That, and knowing that the Captain and my brother will geld the first trooper they find spying in the willows. Am ready to go down to the water in nothing but an old cloak! Will finish my note when I return.

~~~much later~~~


Oh Gilraen! I don't know whether I can finish my note now! My heart is pounding and my hands are shaking!

We'd come back up from the riverbank and were dressing in clean shifts in a shelter the soldiers had rigged from rope and blankets by the carts when I realised that I had dropped my favourite cloak pin down by the water. Not wanting to lose a trinket which had been a present from my mother, I just ran back down there, without thinking. I really had forgotten that it wasn't just the ladies of the party who wanted to bathe. Until I shouldered through the last of the willows right on the bank, really I had. Honestly ....

And then, there, suddenly - there was Captain Thorongil not a cart's length in front of me, absolutely stark-naked, just rising from the water, with his hair down his back and the water sluicing off him in sheets, and dripping off his arms and amazingly muscular thighs and ... quite a few more interesting places as well.

How I didn't scream I don't know. I've only ever looked at one male naked before and that's my brother when he was a babe-in-arms. (Not my husband - believe me you wouldn't want to look at him naked or not for any longer than was necessary to tell the difference between him and the man sent to cure the odd smell in the privy chamber ... ) I could have gazed all day, but then I heard my brother shouting from further along the bank, and used the noise of splashing and voices to cover the sound of my retreat through the willows and up to the carts.

My heart is still pounding. I feel so guilty at rejecting your advice out of hand because now that I've observed, how shall I put it, the Captain's very considerable charms at close range, I can see why you suggested the course of action you did. But where do I start? Even the least curious of my ladies knows that Captain Thorongil lives an austere personal life which would not disgrace an elderly healer and nobody - not even my husband's spies - can say where his heart lies, or his inclinations, for that matter. Can you suggest any discreet hints on seduction for one in my difficult circumstances?

Yours, rather flustered

Finduilas

PS I never found the cloak pin ....