You people really are incapable of looking after yourself, aren't you?

Well, we're here to help you out with those tricky family and friend relationships. Let's be honest, you're not going to find anywhere better. You'll probably find me more useful though; obviously, Boromir wants to be helpful, but he doesn't have much experience. Look at me, raising one strong, healthy, outgoing son. That takes skill. Kind of draining, though; the second one's bound to screw up a little.

So, any problems you may have, whether you're having a fight with your best friend, don't know what to get your mother for her birthday or are about to strangle your darling child (believe me, I can sympathise) - come to us.

Boromir here. I'll be writing as the ying to my father's yang, if you will. Not that I have any children, but I can certainly give advice on how not to raise your kids. *sneaks glance over to the right* Hey! I'm too big to hit now! Stop that, 'ya bastard!

Well, you get the idea. You send us your parenting questions, problems, concerns, and we'll give you our expert opinions. Both of us. You get to choose who's right. *nudge nudge wink wink* And we all know who that is....

(Note: We'll post our answers separately but this is a collaboration of HEL and mine so we put both our characters' introductions in the first post :) )

Dear Humans -

Well, I mean I don't know how I'm going to ever take advice from a human, but I can at least try. I mean, your race hasn't completely fucked anything up yet, so maybe you have some redeemable qualities.

Anyway! Family advice I can definitely use. You think it's tough with two sons? Try five!

Er...wait.

*counts*

Twins? WHEN THE FUCK DID WE HAVE TWINS?

Seven. Seven sons! Argh! I mean, sometimes it's hard, they all whine about each other and complain and annoy one another AND me. I don't know if I can take anymore. I mean, I've seriously thought about just *giving* a few of them up for adoption! I don't think the wife would notice and it would give me more time to work on some special projects. What do you think? Should I concentrate on giving love to one or two, or do I *have* to keep them all?

Sincerely -

Fed-up With Fatherhood

Dear Fed-Up With Fatherhood,

Seven, you say? Well, I think there's an obvious answer. Take a good look at your children. You'll probably see that there are one or two who stand out as being a real credit to you. The others, you feel you can take or leave. So leave them.

Why should you have to spend your life catering to little disappointments?

Denethor

Dear Fed,

I guess I could answer in the same vein as dear old Dad above and tell you "keep one or two more, since you might need a spare in case one gets killed", but I won't.

Keep them. Keep every one of them. You made 'em. And don't send any off to live in the forest and call it "training" either.

~ Boromir

Dear father & son,

I have a problem with my nephew. You see, I rule...I mean...I live in Rohan, and in our land it is custom for younger males to serve their elders. Sexually. This is a custom I have been trying to change for a long time, ever since I found out for myself that taking it up the backside isn't all that bad.

My nephew however refuses to accept this. He will not let anyone do him up the ass, not even me, and I think it is very sad that he is missing out on so much fun. He doesn't seem to have any problems fucking his cousin, though...

Erm...right. Please tell me what to do in order to at least get him to try it. He's so afraid of trying new things.

Sincerely, Théo...no, wait...ehm...

A monkey's uncle.

Dear A Monkey's Uncle,

You're telling me you accept this behaviour? Honestly, have you absolutely no authority over this boy? Tie him down and have your way with him. He'll work out you know best eventually.

Denethor

Dear Uncle Monkey,

The problem isn't your nephew, it's your culture. You need to get away. You both need to get away. Together. On vacation. Away from all those silly Rohirrim rules.

Think someplace warm. Tropical. An island, perhaps?
Think hot days and simmering nights.
Think skimpy clothing.
Breezes.
Smooth oil on warm skin.
Long midnight walks on the beach.
Making love in the pounding surf.

Yeah, think on all that....

You should have him bent over within just a few hours there.

And if it doesn't work out? Well, I've got some vacation time coming to me...

Best of Luck
Boromir

Dear Members of the Opposite Sex,

Hello to you. I am in a bit of a pickle concerning my future husband.

You see, this totally gorgeous bastard called Arathorn proposed (great personality, job with prospects, arse like two eggs in a hanky), but he has a reputation round our way as....how shall I put this?.......a bisexual bike.

He's entertained more men than a vaselined nut-hole in a prison (back in the day of course).

He CLAIMS that all that is in the past and now he's keen to settle down with the right woman, sow his seed, have some brats, buy a house in the woods, have crumpets infront of the fire every Sunday night blah blah blah.

But how can I trust him when he says that he's jumped off the Bi Bus and headed down Straight Street?

I WANT to believe him and get hitched ASAP, but Mother and Father won't permit it until he can prove his worth.

Shall I hold out for him until my parents give us their blessing? Or shall I find someone else to fulfill all of my sexual and non-sexual needs?

Who knows, one of you lads could be the lucky one!

Yours in Confusion

Gilraen 'The Looker' of the North

P.S- I' be most grateful if you'd keep this under your hats. I make my living by doing the same as you, solving the public's personal problems, and I don't imagine that they would be very pleased to find that their Agony Aunt is dishing out advice when she's in the same boat as them. Cheers.

Dear Silly Gilly,

Hmmmm. Sounds like your prospective husband is the one with the bit of a pickle...well, at least he used to.

Here's what I want you to do:
Send him to me.
Yes, to me.
Send him.
Immediately.
For the weekend.

I'll test him out nine ways to Sunday and tell you if he really has the staying power to play on Straight Street. I can be quite persuasive, if I do say so myself.

If he fails, then, well, how about a threesome on the Bi-Bus?

Leeringly yours,
Boromir

Gilraen, Gilraen, Gilraen,

Women are never bloody happy, are they? This Arathorn sounds like a bit of catch, and he's even HALF way to being straight - believe me, that's more than most women can say of their husbands. If I were you, I'd snap him up before he decides to nance off with a younger, more penisally-endowed person.

Denethor

Dear sluts Stewards,

Ok, Ive had a major crush on this blond hottie for a while, but not just anyone- King Bard! Honestly, the man makes me want to shuck me britches faster than Oprah on a diet (if you know what I mean and im sure you do).

The problem is not the fact that im just a pissy stable-boy way beneath my station and aiming too high- its him. He’s so goddamn arrogant and not a moment goes by when he doesn’t tell everyone that he’s the slayer of Smaug (big whup IMO- at least we had some fucking central heating in Laketown for once, before it burned down). Now he walks around with the dragon-hide draped all over him to show it off (personally I reckon he’s got some kind of fetish for it, there have been…stories, if you know what I mean and im sure you do).

Oh how to overcome these myriad of problems long enough for me to get one up the bum-chute?

Yours,
Boy who stables horses (and other things, wink wink).

Dear Stabler (though I'm thinking you're more unstable, really),

It sounds to me like you have two problems you want answering: how to get over this guy's arrogance and general weirdness and how to get him to screw you.

Firstly, he's a king. Kings are bastards. Stewardship is the only way to go. So I'd just like to warn you off from the start.

But if you're still determined: what's your problem? The man's a hero; he deserves to be a bit smug. Dragon skin secretes surprisingly pleasant oils, and we all know what that's good for. And you bitch about the central heating, when really this is a blessing. Now he needs to find another way to warm up.

So...if he's into the dragon scene, I'd sneak into his room and wait naked under the dragon hide. When he comes in, roar impressively and demand he slays you with his impressive weapon. That'll appeal to his reptilophilia, feed his ego and show how in tune you are with his needs.

But, we must remember, he is a king, and there's not much chance you can salvage that.

Denethor. STEWARD of Gondor. Or Slut. But shh, my boy doesn't know about that.

Dear Let's-Do-It-In-the-Stable-Boy,

Hasn't anyone every told you that if you aim too high, you'll end up with piss in your eyes?

You need to work your way up to King Bard, boy.

Why don't you start with the son of a Steward? I'll be conducting trade negotiations in Laketown in a few weeks. Give me a wave when I bring my horse in and we'll talk about how you can shag your way up the political ladder.

I'll be happy to share some pointers, if you know what I mean.

Nudge nudge, wink wink,

~ Boromir

Dear Boromir;
I'm having problems (biggest understatement in the world) with my lover. He's not all that comfortable with BDSM, or bondage or anything like that. However, I'm really into it. He says it needs to be a het thing, I say two guys is just fine, if not better. WE NEED HELP!!!!!! By the way, do you really do THAT with your brother Faramir? We want to know!
Much Love and Confusion to you and yours,
Lucias Feancelenae

Dear LF,

I don't know why you assume my son knows more about that than I do. With age comes experience. But fine, fine, if you don't want one of the most powerful men in Middle Earth's advice, that's up to you.

I would have had that pussy wrapped around your little finger, though. Or whatever part of your anatomy you required.

Sulkily,
Denethor.

Dear Luscious Lucius,

Hang on a minute while I pull the ball gag out of my brother's mouth, slip the black leather mask off his head, and ask him, ok?

Yup, he's nodding his head.

Real men do it. A lot.

Just don't tell our father, eh? (We borrow his toys once in a while.)

Dominantly Yours,
~ Boromir

Dear Gondorians,

I am in love with the son of my lord. I have loved him for centuries.. I am an elf afterall. He beds elves freely and yet he never notices me.

I've tried everything I can think of but I am very subtle and er shy. He just never seems to notice me!

I work in the library as a scribe and don't get to see him often as really he spends all his time on the training fields.. or bedding elves.

Please m'lords, I need help. I do not wish to live out my life alone.

Faithfully,
Mel

Dear Mel,

Let me just highlight your problem here: you are hanging out with books while old sex machine is most definitely not. GET OUT MORE. You have to make this elf know you're available. Make it really, really obvious. 'Oops, I appear to have bumped into you in this empty field and would you look at that, I'm naked. How on earth could this have happened? Well, better make the best of the situation.' Get the idea?

Honestly. Perhaps I should give demonstrations.

Denethor.

Mel, Mel, Mel....

No one ever got laid in a library. It's too damn quiet and the tables are too hard. Minas Tirith has a nice library, but you don't see me in there, do you?

I have to admit, my father's general advice is sound, but I'd caution a little more subtlety than strolling nude onto a field and offering yourself. (You have to know that at his age he doesn't like to fuck around and just needs to get right to the action.)

You need to go where the males are shirtless.

You need to go where the males are sweaty.

Where the males are sparring.

Hold that thought a minute while I wipe my brow. I'm getting hot just thinking about yesterday's session with Far.... with, ah, my good friend.

Okay now. I think you should go ask your would-be love for some sparring lessons, in case your city is beset with attacks from the dark side. If during said sparring you should accidentally trip over your sword and fall with your beautiful little ass sticking up, so much the better. See? Much more subtle.

Luck to You.

~ Boromir

Dear Stewards,

ROOOOAAAAARRRRR!! (just getting the formalities out of the way).
Now im not one to go around asking advice-lines such as yourself for help with my love life- but im getting desperate. I have a new cock-chomper lover (Bard, you may have heard of him- studly chap with butt muscles that can crack a clan of clams), but he’s soooo emotionally frigid! All I ask is for a little spice and variety in my life (after all, its not easy being the only cosmopolitan anthromorphic persona in my neck of the woods).

Im not as demanding as the other bears (you should hear what that freak Winnie the Pooh gets off on- the clue is in the name) but I do expect a little reciprocation! So surely its not asking much of him if I sometimes request we use lavender-scented candles during love-making, or invite a few of my wolfy-friends to watch as we get him to strip-tease in a red hood and gift-basket?

Oh how do I get him to expand his horizons (and his cherry-hole, although he is taking yoga).

Hairy, horny and hungry,
Beorn

Sorry to disappoint you Boromir, but as a professional librarian I have got laid in every library I've worked in.

Getting trapped in the rolling stacks can be most exilerating.

And when I get going I can assure you that it is not quiet at all...

My dear Captain of Gondor

This correspondence has somehow (ahem) fallen into my hands and I feel it necessary - in the strict interest of setting the record straight, you understand - to correct your views on amorous behaviour in libraries.

If you were to look through the windows of the old library at Rivendell at twilight most days of the week, you would see that solid furniture and quiet are no bar to determined or adventurous lovers. And if you extend the definition of "library" to book-lined study, well, for one thing, should inspiration flag, there are always those old volumes of Lord Elrond's etchings to give one new ideas.

And as for "quiet", it is, as you know, not my habit to boast, but I have been reliably informed that when my lord Seneschal - how shall I put it? - gets into his stride in the reference section , his transports of passion can be heard by the Marchwardens on the borders of Lorien.

With my best wishes

Erestor

Chief Advisor to the Lord Elrond

My lady Fawsley and estimable Erestor,

I can only apologise for my son's naivety. He is yet to discover there's more than vanilla sex in expected places. Poor boy, it's not his fault - a great soldier, yes, but not very literary.

Personally, I know exactly what you mean about libraries. Many a time I've spent a happy afternoon engrossed in the pages of "Ye Impressively-Endowed Elves Give It Unto One Another." Comes with my recommendation.

Denethor, who is much more literate than his son

My my my,

Those earlier comments I made about lovemaking being better relegated to places other than libraries seems to have pinched a few nerves with my bookish, overly pale, indoor friends, now haven't they?

Well, as you can see from my father's comments, there's nothing exactly wrong with enjoying yourself in a library, alone, with just the book and your right hand.

Whatever floats your boat, I always say.

Smirking,

~ Boromir


Note to Self: Check authenticity of note from Chief Advisor Erestor. If true, invite him for a visit to the Minas Tirith library and offer "special guided tour".

Dear triple-H Beorn,

Are you sure this is the guy for you? Nobody could doubt that I'm adventurous and I've always looked rather fetching in red...

But if you're stubborn enough to want to cling on to this whiter-than-Saruman boredom-inciter, I suppose I could help you out. Here's the thing: people who are boring in the bedroom are only like this because they're either scared to try new things (or the fact that their lover's a bear...) or they don't have the capacity to imagine the enjoyment they're missing out on.

You need to trap him into doing something once. For example, take him into the woods, all innocent like, and when he's not paying attention, slip a red cloak on him...notify wolf buddies beforehand. Make sure you're paying him a lot of attention, so it's really GREAT for him. By the time he's realised what's going on, he'll be having such a fantastic time, he won't make you stop. And then there'll be no stopping him.

Denethor. Grrr.

Dear Denethor and Boromir

Alas, I'm not the only elf who reads letters not addressed to him, and now I'm in a quandary.

My problem is that my lover, G., after pretending to ignore my existence for millennia, merely occupying his time with shagging senseless any Marchwarden he happened to come across (me resentful? whatever gave you that idea?) -- as I said, my lover is now fanatically protective of me and madly jealous. If I so much as raise my eyes to another elf when he's at home, or he finds out I've been so much as playing chess with another elf while he's out on patrol, he has a hissy fit which has them reaching for ear-plugs in the Westfold. When he calms down, he always apologises - and wowee, does he know how to apologise- usually several times in one night, and never in the same position - but this time I don't think an entire night of reckless and backbreaking passion is going to do the trick.

You see, the last time we were enjoying a little dalliance in the library, while I was floating gently back to earth with my robes in a knot round a chair back, G. was busy reading what I thought was a decent business-like letter from the Library at Minas Tirith, checking on my professional status as a Librarian, and saying that there should be no problem in me borrowing the Minas Tirith copy of "Ye Impressively Endowed Elves ...", in fact why didn't I come over to the city and visit the library in the august company of the Lord Steward and his son? My big jealous fool of a lover promptly blew up like one of Mithrandir's fireworks, accused me of behaving like that shameless young tart from Mirkwood (Thranduil's youngest, I refuse to utter his name) and lusting after Every Man with long hair and trousers who came within arms' reach. He then flung himself off to the stables and rode off into the twilight, saying he was going to the Lorien borders to talk to any March Wardens who happened to pass by.

As it was a letter from Minas Tirith which got me into this trouble, what do you suggest I do now? I might add that He stormed off leaving his uniform and riding boots and underlinens kicked into a corner of the library here, so if the Lady Galadriel happens to be paying a visit of ceremony to her borders at the moment she will get rather an interesting surprise. (Unless she believed those rather lurid rumours about G's visit to Celeborn a few decades ago ...)

A Worried Librarian and Chief Advisor

(Strictly confidential note to diplomatic courier - as you are going to be in the area delivering this letter, you might discreetly find out if it is true what I have heard said about the Lord Steward's younger son, the bookish one with the big sad eyes ....)

Dear Bearalicious Beorn,

Sorry for the delayed response, but I've had a few things tied up in my life and it took a while to get them untangled, if you get my drift.

One word, my friend: Bondage.

Nothing makes the unresponsive less so than being tied up. And tickled. Or tortured. Or tickled and tortured.

Seeing as I'm planning on being in your neck of the woods in a couple of weeks, what say I stop by and give you some pointers? I'll show you how to have him screaming and begging in less than an hour. No charge. Just your growly thanks will be payment enough.

Helpfully Yours,
~ Boromir

Dear Fath...Broth....Sirs,

I am in love with someone I shouldn't be. What do I do?

Worried of Gondor.

Dear worried,

Decent and business-like, my arse. The librarians of Minas Tirith never have perfectly innocent intentions (and I should know). Neither do the soldiers or the blacksmiths or the gardeners or…well, yes. You get the idea. If you want to be truly safe, the only person in Minas Tirith you can correspond with is my pathetic second son – his lack of sex appeal and interest in the matter is dwarfed only by his incompetence. (Oh, and you should know that couriers keep nothing from me – I don’t believe in secrets between the bedsheets – and I can quite confidently tell you that anything you’ve heard about that ratty-faced bundle of mistakes is untrue. Especially if it was good.)

Anyway, as I was saying: you are the one at fault here, definitely. I can completely understand your lover’s stance. I suggest you find him immediately and kiss his feet (and perhaps a bit higher too) until he forgives you. You slut.

Exasperated,
Denethor

PS: Sorry for the delay in replying. For some reason, there have been less deliveries of messages to Minas Tirith recently. The couriers have mentioned a reluctance to visit. I wonder why? Anyway, apologies.

Dear Worried,

As a general note to those writing in, worried? Can you not think of anything else? It makes you sound like neurotic nancing elves.

Gondor? How interesting. How intriguing. All right, it’s obviously me – it’s an inconvenience really, how people can’t resist me. However, I shall continue to answer this as if I am in ignorance (as if).

How do you mean, “someone you shouldn’t be”? Are they currently attached? Way above your status? Your best friend? Your best friend’s horse? Oh well, I suppose it doesn’t matter. Seems to me that you need to get over it, whoever it is.

I would suggest visiting one of the many fine establishments dotted throughout the city which are dedicated to satisfying the more lustful needs. With the skilled fingers and oiled up limberness that’s in such plentiful supply around here, I should think you’ll soon forget about me this excellent specimen of a man soon enough.

Denethor
xxx

Boo rah room..

*cough* mmmmh... err I mean

Young lords of Gondor.

All the wifes are gone from our woods, tell me what to do.
I am lonely and mmmmmh very lonely...
Please young masters help me, mmmmh

~Treeb... a piece of wood...

Dear Woody,

Your wives have gone. Your wives have gone. Are you thinking what I'm thinking? No, clearly not. I'll spell it out for you.

Ever considered man on man? Or, um, tree on tree? Come on, with that heavy breathing and groaning of your race, it's got to be a turn on just talking. No wonder it takes you all so long to make decisions: you're barely able to control yourselves and keep your mind on the subject.

Stop all this repression. Get in there. You know what I'm talking about.

Denethor

PS: I hear Quickbeam's quite a goer.

Dear Denethor and Boromir,

I am a powerful Vala, with lots of elves at my command. Like you, I might imagine. You are after all powerful lords, and must surely understand my dilemma.

Now, I'm not only a lord and a god, I am also a scientist. I conduct experiments on my willing subjects, to aid the work of my Valar kin. I have two very special specimens, whom I have kept close watch on for several millennia. Lets call them subject E and subject O.

Now, the goal here was to see which method was the best one to get an elf to throw himself completely at my mercy. Subject O has received the finest of gifts, and has been treated with love, passion, and kindness, sexually pleased in every way. Subject E on the other hand has been whipped, beaten, locked up and otherwise sexually molested in the most violent ways. The problem is, subject E does not seem to object to this treatment, but appears to purposely provoke further punishment. And subject O is impossible to please. He sulks no matter what luxuries I lavish on him.

I have an important speach to make in front of the Valar, less than 230 years from now, and I need to have made progress by then. Have you any tips for me? How do I bend these subjects to my will?

Gratefully yours,

~Námo

Dear Námo,

You seem like a clear thinking sort. You are, of course, entirely correct about that "powerful lords" part (although I'm not convinced the plural is necessary) and I feel that somebody with this excellent understanding of my position deserves a good answer.

A scientist - that's admirable. I did a few experiments myself, when I was younger. Groundbreaking stuff. Or backbreaking, at least. Anyway, where was I?

Right. These subjects of yours are clearly being ridiculously tetchy, and I can understand your frustration. My suggestion is that you swap them around. The sulky spoilt bitch needs a reality check, and we both know the shades of severity those come in. On the other hand, the glutton for punishment should perhaps be treated with more care. If he's into the pain and so on, submitting to his every wish will surely make him uncomfortable and therefore, he will throw himself at your mercy to stop your out of character and disturbing behaviour.

Hope that helps,
Denethor

Dear Slags Stewards,

Now far be it from me to get all arrogant and prissy, but I have a bone to pick with you (and it ain’t the Hello Vicar bone either). It seems a couple of dim-witted stewards (note lower-case) actually had the nerve to give my bit o’ ruff some advice on our relationship! That’s right, not long ago Beorn confessed to me that he wrote to you and asked you for some…‘help’. Valar alone knows how the hell you two Lardasses Lords of Gondor managed to decipher his scrawly entrail-covered letter, but you did. Anyway, that’s the not the point. The point is that if he’s moaning to you about me not satisfying his every carnal, cannibalistic cock-cravings its because I keep it that way! A sex-starved love-monster is much more entertaining than some over-stuffed shaggy-carpet bitching to me about ‘feelings’ and the latest pain-free waxing techniques.
Next time my confused man-beast asks you for ‘advice’ (and I use that term very, very loosely) then just tell him to fuck off and get into Thong-Assault position for when I get home. I like that.

Now, I don’t know how they do things in Gondor, but I’m The King here (that’s right, no sub-standard stewardship, hah!) and I’m loaded with more dragon bling-bling than Elrond’s diamond-encrusted dildo. One would think that these things would be enough to keep a secret affair with a man who has a serious identity crisis but NOOOOOOO! Now suddenly he’s ‘enlightened’. Suddenly he’s too good to maul innocent passer-bys like a real bear. Suddenly-
*takes deep breath*
Ok, you see, my real problem is that Beorn has realised he’s got *options*. He’s no-longer happy coating me in hot oil and making me squeal louder than Legolas on Prozac. What made me realise this was when a certain dwarf sent Beorn a message inviting him to a ceremony to ‘Re-create the Battle of the Five Armies’. Sounds like one big massive orgy if ever I heard one. And I’m worried if Beorn goes, he’ll never come back! I mean seriously, who wouldn’t try to snap up a stud like him? He’s generous (with his saliva), his bristly tongue can reach *anywhere* and I’m almost sure he’s rabies-free (still waiting for the test results). I’ve no doubt that those sneaky little fuckers will try to get into his pants (if he hadn’t chewed them off) and then soon the King Under the Mountain will be King Under the Big-Dicked Growly Throw-Rug.

And just to let you know, I blame you two wannabe-kings.

Sulking and considering war,
King Bard.

Bard,

I considered not answering your pathetic dribble of abuse, but realised that you needed to be talked to straight. Really, if I was Beorn, I'd be out of your bed faster than a...really fast thing. All right, I have people to do my imagery for me. But my point is, you disgusting excuse for a man, it's not wonder you're worried about losing him when you don't give a fuck about how he feels.

So you're really worried about this army orgy thing? I don't see why you can't turn up. I mean, you were there, right? And even though you weren't invited, who's going to turn you away when you appear? Then you can keep an eye on him.

I don't know why I bother.

Denethor

PS: Kings are overrated. Stewards are in right now.

Dear Denethor:

Damn! You are so sexy for an old guy! I have to say, you have such a cool control thing over all those fine Gondorians. They're like, 'I will obey you and follow your every whim...' That is awesome! And your son Boromir is hot, much more so than that impudent runt Faramir. At least, and please tell me I'm right, he's good for a screwtoy. I hope at least he has that use. If he doesn't, I could teach him a thing or two about that...if you don't mind.Just wanted to comment on your uber-hotness, and ask if you had room for one more adoring man in that citadel of yours. I hope you do, I'll give you a surprise. :surprise:

Sincerely, Christopher

Dear Elven Advisor,

Please accept my apologies for the long delay in response. Activities in Laketown had me tangled up in lovely knots with all the new friends I met there. And oddly, the mail seems to get delayed in Minas Tirith. Your runners get to the city and simply disappear into my father's quarters as soon as they arrive....the horny bastard.

Anyway, back to my point. Your elf is in a snit. No one likes a high-maintenance lover....shouldn't it be easier than that? My advice is not to follow him and beg him to come back. He'll just do it again and you'll be right back where you started - begging for love.

Solution: come visit me in Minas Tirith and I'll show you every position I can bend you into book in our library.

Your partner in hot man/elf sex literature,

~ Boromir

Dear Worried of Gondor,

Sorry for the long delay. Couldn't tear myself away from Laketown.

Are you still worried? Assuming so, I need to tell you that you should be happy to be in the situation you describe, not worried.

Forbidden love is always more exciting, more thrilling, more heart pounding, more gasping, more crotch throbbing.... Uh, can you excuse me a moment?

Ah, that's better.

Don't despair, Worried. Give in to your nature. You know you want it. And if you need reminding, I'm on level six of the city. Just knock three times on the ceiling if you want me.

Hungrily,
~ Boromir

Dear Mr. Hardwood,

Once in a while it happens and I completely agree with my father.
You need some trunk on trunk action.
Get those branches rubbing and mind the sparks.

Your friend in nature,

~ Boromir