Clean Jokes And Humor, If the teens shouldn't read-Don't post

An environmentalist who was noted for restricting access to State and National Forests was looking over one of the forests she so loved. Climbing a tall tree to get a better vantage over the tree tops, she climbed too near an endangered owl's nest. The distressed bird began dive-bombing her in an effort to drive the intruder away from the nest. She had to slide down the tree as quickly as possible to evade the angry bird, and in the process acquired a few splinters in her "Designer Shorts".

She went immediately to her Doctor's office to have them removed. The Doctor examined her and said that she would be back as quickly as possible. After a wait of more than three hours, the Doctor returned to say that she had been applying for Emergency Permits from the State Department of Environment and Conservation to get the splinters removed.

"Well?"

"The permits were denied."

"Why? What permit could you possibly need?"

"A permit to remove Old Growth Forest from a State Recreation Area."

Being Catholic this is very funny to me

Redneck Lent


> Each Friday night after work, Bubba would fire up his
> outdoor grill and cook a venison steak. But, all of
> Bubba's neighbors were Catholic, and since it was Lent,
> they were forbidden from eating meat on Friday.
>
> The delicious aroma from the grilled venison steaks was
> causing such a problem for the Catholic faithful that they
> finally talked to their priest. The Priest came to visit
> Bubba, and suggested that he become a Catholic.
> After several classes and much study, Bubba attended
> Mass. ..and as the priest sprinkled holy water over him, he
> said, "You were born a Baptist, and raised a Baptist,
> but now you are a Catholic."
>
> Bubba's neighbors were greatly relieved, until Friday
> night arrived, and the wonderful aroma of grilled venison
> filled the neighborhood. The Priest was called immediately
> by the neighbors, and, as he rushed into Bubba's yard,
> clutching a rosary and prepared to scold him, he stopped and
> watched in amazement.
>
> There stood Bubba, clutching a small bottle of holy water
> which he carefully sprinkled over the grilling meat and
> chanted: "You wuz born a deer, you wuz raised a deer,
> but now you is a catfish."

This post has been edited by greatwhiteelkhunter on Apr 2 2009, 07:35 AM

A DEA officer stops at a ranch in Montana and talks with an
> old rancher.
>
> He tells the rancher, "I need to inspect your ranch for
> illegally grown drugs."
>
> The old rancher says, "Okay, but do not go in that field
> over there," as he points out the location.
>
> The DEA officer verbally explodes, saying, "Mister, I have
> the authority of the federal government with me." Reaching
> into his rear pants pocket, he removes his badge and proudly
> displays it to the farmer. "See this badge? This badge means
> I am allowed to go wherever I wish, on any land. No
> questions asked or answers given. Have I made myself clear?
> Do you understand?"
>
> The old rancher nods politely, apologizes, and goes about
> his chores.
>
> A short time later, the old rancher hears loud screams and
> sees the DEA officer running for his life, chased close
> behind by the rancher's prize bull. With every step, the
> bull is gaining ground on the officer, and it seems likely
> that he'll get "horned" before he reaches safety. The
> officer is clearly terrified.
>
> The old rancher throws down his tools, runs to the fence,
> and yells at the top of his lungs, "Your badge! Show him
> your badge!"

Yesterday I had a flat tire on 198 between Exeter and Visalia on my way to the 75% off clearance sale at Target. As quickly as I could I pulled over to the shoulder of the road, carefully got out of my car and got the emergency kit out from under the back seat.

I took out 2 cardboard men, unfolded them and stood them at the rear of my truck facing oncoming traffic. They look so life like you wouldn't believe it! My two hotties were in trench coats, exposing their nude bodies and private parts to the approaching drivers.

Little Miss Independent that I am I started to change my tire myself, and to my surprise, cars started slowing down. Before long, traffic started backing up. Everybody was tooting their horns and waving like crazy. It wasn't long before an California Highway patrol officer pulled up behind me.

The officer got out of his car and started walking towards me. I could tell he was not a happy camper!

"What's going on here?"

"My truck has a flat tire," I said calmly.

"Well, what the hell are those obscene cardboard men doing here by the road?"

I couldn't believe that he didn't know. So I told him, "Hello-o-o-o, those are my emergency flashers."

Subject: AMA NOTICE

American Medical Association researchers have found that

patients needing blood transfusions may benefit from
receiving chicken blood rather than human blood.

It tends to make the men cocky and the women lay better.

Just thought you'd like to know.

Men strike back!

How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened when she brings it.
-----------------------------------------------------------
Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you.
-----------------------------------------------------------
Why do women have smaller feet than men?
It's one of those 'evolutionary things' that allows Them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.
-----------------------------------------------------------
How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
When she starts a sentence with 'A man once told me....'
-----------------------------------------------------------
How do you fix a woman's watch?
You don't. There is a clock on the oven.
----------------------------------------------------------
If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?
The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.
-- --------------------------------------------------------

Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90%.
It's called a Wedding Cake.
----------------------------------------------------
Why do men die before their wives?
They want to.
------------------------------------------------------
Women will never be equal to men
Until they can walk down the street with a bald head And a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.

OLD people have problems that you haven't Even considered yet!

An 85-year-old man was requested by his Doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical Exam.

The doctor gave the man a jar and said, 'Take This jar home and bring back a semen sample Tomorrow.'

The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared At the doctor's office and gave him the jar, Which was as clean and empty as on the Previous day.

The doctor asked what happened and the man Explained, 'Well, doc, it's like this--first I tried With my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried With my left hand, but still nothing.

'Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with Her right hand, then with her left, still nothing.
She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, Then with her teeth out, still nothing.

'We even called up Arleen, the lady next door And she tried too, first with both hands, then an Armpit, and she even tried squeezin' it between Her knees, but still nothing.'

The doctor was shocked! 'You asked your Neighbor?'

The old man replied, 'Yep, none of us could get The jar open.'

The doctor, after an examination, sighed and said, "I've got some bad news...

You have cancer, and you'd best put your affairs in order."

The woman was shocked, but managed to compose herself

and walk into the waiting room where her daughter had been waiting.

"Well, daughter, we women celebrate when things are good,

and we celebrate when things don't go so well. In this case,

things aren't well. I have cancer. So, let's head to the club and

have a martini."

After 3 or 4 martinis, the two were feeling a little less somber.

There were some laughs and more martinis.

They were eventually approached by some of the woman's old friends,

who were curious as to what the two were celebrating..

The woman told her friends they were drinking to her impending end,
"I've been diagnosed with AIDS."

The friends were aghast, gave the woman their condolences and beat a hasty retreat.

After the friends left, the woman's daughter leaned over and whispered,

"Momma, I thought you said you were dying of cancer, and

you just told your friends you were dying of AIDS! Why did you do that?"

"Because I don't want any of those bitches sleeping with your father after I'm gone."

And THAT, my friends, is what is called, "Putting Your Affairs In Order!"

Little John the Baptist

Matt. 18:4-5
"Therefore, whoever humbles himself like this child is the greatest in the kingdom of heaven.
And who ever welcomes a little child like this in my name welcomes me. "
Johnny's Mother looked out the window and noticed him "playing church" with their cat.
He had the cat sitting quietly and he was preaching to it.
She smiled and went about her work.
A while later she heard loud meowing and hissing and ran back To the open window to see Johnny baptizing the cat in a tub of water.
She called out, "Johnny, stop that! The cat is afraid of water!"
Johnny looked up at her and said,
"He should have thought about that before he joined my church."
Smile, it gives your face something to do!


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


Subject: Acts 2:38
A woman had just returned to her home from an evening of church
services, when she was startled by an intruder. She caught the man in the
act of robbing her home of its valuables and yelled: 'Stop! Acts 2:38!'
(Repent and be Baptized, in the name of Jesus Christ , so that your sins may be forgiven.)

The burglar stopped in his tracks. The woman calmly called the police and
explained what she had done.

As the officer cuffed the man to take him in, he asked the burglar: 'Why
did you just stand there? All the old lady did was yell a scripture to you.'

'Scripture?' replied the burglar.. 'She said she had an Ax and Two 38s!'

WHY MEN ARE NEVER DEPRESSED

Your last name stays put.
The garage is all yours.
Wedding plans take care of themselves.
Chocolate is just another snack.
You can never be pregnant.
Car mechanics tell you the truth.
The world is your urinal.
You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because his one is just too icky.
You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.
Same work, more pay.
Wrinkles add character.
People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them.
New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
One mood all the time.
Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
You know stuff about tanks and engines.
A ten-day vacation requires only one suitcase.
You can open all your own jars.
You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack.
Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.
You never have strap problems in public.
You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.
Everything on your face stays its original color.
The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.
You only have to shave your face and neck.
You can play with toys all your life.
One wallet and one pair of shoes -- one color for all seasons.
You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look.
You can 'do' your nails with a pocket knife.
You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.
You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes.

No wonder men are happier.

WELCOME TO THE HUSBAND STORE!!

A store that sells husbands has just opened in New York City, where
a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the
entrance is a description of how the store operates:

WELCOME TO THE HUSBAND STORE!!

You may visit the store ONLY ONCE! There are six
Floors and the attributes of the men increase as the
Shopper ascends the flights. There is, however, a
Catch... You may choose any man from a particular floor, or you may
choose to go up floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit
the building!
Happy Shopping!!!!

So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband...
On the first floor the sign on the door reads:

Floor 1: These men have jobs and love the Lord.

The second floor sign reads:

Floor 2: These men have jobs, love the Lord, and like kids.

The third floor sign reads:

Floor 3: These men have jobs, love the Lord, love
Kids and are extremely good looking.

'Wow,' she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going. She goes to
the fourth floor and sign reads:

Floor 4: These men have jobs, love the Lord, love
Kids, are drop-dead good looking and help
With the housework.

'Oh, mercy me!' she exclaims, 'I can hardly stand it!' Still, she
goes to the fifth floor and sign reads:

Floor 5: These men have jobs, love the Lord, love
Kids, are drop-dead gorgeous, help with the housework, and have a
strong romantic streak.

She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor and the
sign reads:

Floor 6: You are visitor 4,363,012 to this floor. There are no men
on this floor. This floor exists
Solely as proof that women are impossible to
Please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband
Store. Watch your step as you exit the building,
And have a nice day!

PLEASE NOTE:

To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opened a New Wives Store
just across the street.

The first floor has wives that love sex.

The second floor has wives that love sex and have money.

The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited.

OK, I'll try one in here:

A REDNECK LOVE POEM



SUSIE LEE DONE FELL IN LOVE,

SHE PLANNED TO MARRY JOE.

SHE WAS SO HAPPY 'BOUT IT ALL,

SHE TOLD HER PAPPY SO..



PAPPY TOLD HER, SUSIE GAL,

YOU'LL HAVE TO FIND ANOTHER.

I'D JUST AS SOON YO' MA DON'T KNOW,

BUT JOE IS YO' HALF BROTHER..



SO SUSIE PUT ASIDE HER JOE

AND PLANNED TO MARRY WILL..

BUT AFTER TELLING PAPPY THIS,

HE SAID, 'THERE'S TROUBLE STILL.'



YOU CAN'T MARRY WILL, MY GAL,

AND PLEASE DON'T TELL YO' MOTHER.

BUT WILL AND JOE, AND SEVERAL MO'

I KNOW IS YO' HALF BROTHER.



BUT MAMA KNEW AND SAID, MY CHILD,

JUST DO WHAT MAKES YO' HAPPY.

MARRY WILL OR MARRY JOE;

YOU AIN'T NO KIN TO PAPPY.



(Kinda brings a tear to yer eye, don't it?)

I was shopping at the local supermarket where I selected:

A half-gallon of 2% milk,
A carton of eggs,
A quart of orange juice,
A head of romaine lettuce,
A 2 lb. can of coffee,
And 1 lb. package of bacon.

As I was unloading my items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind me watched as I placed the items in front of the cashier.

While the cashier was ringing up the purchases, the drunk calmly stated, "You must be single."

I was a bit startled by this proclamation, but I was intrigued by the derelict' s intuition, since I was indeed single. I looked at the six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about my selections that could have tipped off the drunk to my marital status.

Curiosity getting the better of me, I said:  "Well, you know what, you're absolutely right. But how on earth did you know that?"

The drunk replied, "Cause you're ugly."

These hit a little too close to home!!!

Going to Wal-Mart by Age

Scenario:

You are in the middle of some kind of project around the house mowing the lawn, putting a new fence in, painting the living room, or whatever. You are hot and sweaty, covered in dirt or paint. You have your old work clothes on. You know, the outfit - shorts with the hole in crotch, old T-shirt with a stain from who knows what, and an old pair of tennis shoes. Right in the middle of this great home improvement project you realize you need to run to Wal- Mart to get something to help complete the job. Depending on your age you might do the following:

In your 20's:
Stop what you are doing.. Shave, take a shower, blow dry your hair, brush your teeth, floss, and put on clean clothes. Check yourself in the mirror and flex. Add a dab of your favorite cologne because you never know, you just might meet some hot chick while standing in the checkout lane. You went to school with the pretty girl running the register.

In your 30's:
Stop what you are doing, put on clean shorts and shirt. Change shoes. You married the hot chick so no need for much else.. Wash your hands and comb your hair. Check yourself in the mirror. Still got it. Add a shot of your favorite cologne to cover the smell. The cute girl running the register is the kid sister to someone you went to school with.

In your 40's:
Stop what you are doing. Put a sweatshirt that is long enough to cover the hole in the crotch of your shorts. Put on different shoes and a hat. Wash your hands. Your bottle of Brute Cologne is almost empty so you don't want to waste any of it on a trip to Wal-Mart. Check yourself in the mirror and do more sucking in than flexing. The spicy young thing running the register is your daughter's age and you feel weird thinking she is spicy.

In your 50's:
Stop what you are doing. Put on a hat, wipe the dirt off your hands onto your shirt. Change shoes because you don't want to get dirt in your new sports car. Check yourself in the mirror and you swear not to wear that shirt anymore because it makes you look fat The cutie running the register smiles when she sees you coming and you think you still have it. Then you remember the hat you have on is from Buddy's Bait & Beer Bar and it t says, 'I Got Worms.'

In your 60's:
Stop what you are doing. No need for a hat anymore. Hose the dog sh!t off your shoes. The mirror was shattered when you were in your 50's. You hope you have underwear on so nothing hangs out the hole in your pants. The girl running the register may be cute, but you don't have your glasses on so you are not sure.

In your 70's:
Stop what you are doing. Wait to go to Wal-Mart until they have your prescriptions ready, too. Don't even notice the dog sh!t on your shoes. The young thing at the register smiles at you because you remind her of her grandfather.

In your 80's:
Stop what you are doing. Start again. Then stop again. Now you remember you needed to go to Wal-Mart. Go to Wal-Mart and wander around trying to think what the hell it is you are looking for. Fart out loud and you think you heard someone called out your name. You went to school with the old lady who greeted you at the front door

Three men - a Canadian farmer, Osama bin Laden and a White Trash Biker are all walking together one day. They come across a lantern and a Genie pops out of it.

'I will give each of you one wish, which is three wishes in total', says the Genie.

The Canadian says, 'I am a farmer and my son will also farm. I want the land to be forever fertile in Canada '

POOF! With the blink of the Genie's eye, the land in Canada was forever fertile for farming.

Osama was amazed, so he said, 'I want a wall around Afghanistan , Palestine , Iraq and Iran so that no infidels, Americans or Canadians can come into our precious land.'

POOF! Again, with the blink of the Genie's eye, there was a huge wall around those countries.

The Biker says, 'I am very curious. Please tell me more about this wall.'

The Genie explains, 'Well, it's about 5,000 feet high, 5oo feet thick and completely surrounds the country. Nothing can get in or out; it's virtually impenetrable.'

The Biker sits down on his Harley , cracks a beer, lights a cigar, smiles and says, 'Fill it with water.'

I pretty much vote this my favorite email of the year....

A child's prayer.

Dear God.

Please, please send clothes for all those poor ladies in Dad's computer.


Amen

A man was sick and tired of going to work every day while his wife stayed home. He wanted her to see what he went through so he prayed:

'Dear Lord:

I go to work every day and put in 8 hours while my wife merely stays at home.

I want her to know what I go through.

So, please allow her body to switch with mine for a day.


God, in his infinite wisdom, granted the man's wish.

The next morning, sure enough, the man awoke as a woman...

He arose, cooked breakfast for his mate,

Awakened the kids, Set out their school clothes,

Fed them breakfast, Packed their lunches,

Drove them to school, Came home and picked up the dry cleaning,

Took it to the cleaners And stopped at the bank to make a deposit,

Went grocery shopping, Then drove home to put away the groceries,

Paid the bills and balanced the check book.

He cleaned the cat's litter box and bathed the dog..

Then, it was already 1 P.M.

And he hurried to make the beds, Do the laundry, vacuum, Dust, And sweep and mop the kitchen floor.

Ran to the school to pick up the kids and got into an argument with them on the way home.

Set out milk and cookies and got the kids organized to do their homework.

Then, set up the ironing board and watched TV while he did the ironing.

At 4:30 he began peeling potatoes and washing vegetables for salad,
breaded the pork chops and snapped fresh beans for supper.

After supper, He cleaned the kitchen, Ran the dishwasher, Folded laundry,
Bathed the kids, And put them to bed.

At 9 P.M. He was exhausted and, though his daily chores weren't finished, he went to bed where he was expected to make love, which he managed to get through without complaint.

The next morning, he awoke and immediately knelt by the bed and said: -

Lord, I don't know what I was thinking. I was so wrong to envy my
wife's being able to stay home all day.

Please, Oh! Please, let us trade back.. Amen!'

The Lord, in his infinite wisdom, replied:

'My son, I feel you have learned your lesson and I will be happy to change
things back to the way they were.

You'll just have to wait nine months, though.

You got pregnant last night.'

New Virus Alert

Warning: If you receive an email titled Nude Photos of Sarah Palin, don't open it. It could be a virus.

If you receive an email titled Nude Photos of Nancy Pelosi, don't open it. It could contain nude photos of Nancy Pelosi.

LOL! Good one, Almtnman

That is NOT a joke!!!

The mental visual on that scared the daylights out of me!!

It is a horror!!!

When I die, I want to go peacefully, in my sleep, like my grandfather did.
Not screaming in panic like the passengers in my grandfathers car.

The PLAN:

A. Back off and let those men who want to marry men, marry men.

B. Allow those women who want to marry women, marry women.

C. Allow those folks who want to abort their babies, abort their babies.

D. In three generations, there will be no Democrats.


Damn – I love it when a plan comes together!

Never thought of it that way Herb...but that's a plan.

Now that's just perfect!!

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?

WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.

ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?

WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.

A Modern Version of "Who's On First?"

COSTELLO CALLS TO BUY A COMPUTER FROM ABBOTT

ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?

COSTELLO: Thanks. I'm setting up an office in my den and I'm thinking about buying a computer.

ABBOTT: Mac?

COSTELLO: No, the name's Lou.

ABBOTT: Your computer?

COSTELLO: I don't own a computer. I wan t to buy one.

ABBOTT: Mac?

COSTELLO: I told you, my name's Lou.

ABBOTT: What about Windows?

COSTELLO: Why? Will it get stuffy in here?

ABBOTT: Do you want a computer with Windows?

COSTELLO: I don't know. What will I see when I look at the windows?

ABBOTT: Wallpaper.

COSTELLO: Never mind the windows. I need a computer and software.

ABBOTT: Software for Windows?

COSTELLO: No. On the computer! I need something I can use to write proposals, track expenses and run my business. What do you have?

ABBOTT: Office.

COSTELLO: Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend anything?

ABBOTT: I just did.

COSTELLO: You just did what?

ABBOTT: Recommend something.

COSTELLO: You recommended something?

ABBOTT: Yes.

COSTELLO: For my office?

ABBOTT: Yes.

COSTELLO: OK, what did you recommend for my office?

ABBOTT: Office.

COSTELLO: Yes, for my office!

ABBOTT: I recommend Office with Windows.

COSTELLO: I already have an office with windows! OK, let's just say I'm sitting at my computer and I want to type a proposal. What do I need?

ABBOTT: Word.

COSTELLO: What word?

ABBOTT: Word in Office.

COSTELLO: The only word in office is office.

ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.

COSTELLO: Which word in office for windows?

ABBOTT: The Word you get when you click the blue 'W'.

COSTELLO: I'm going to click your blue 'w' if you don't start with some straight answers. What about financial bookkeeping? You have anything I can track my money with?

ABBOTT: Money.

COSTELLO: That's right. What do you have?

ABBOTT: Money.

COSTELLO: I need money to track my money?

ABBOTT: It comes bundled with your computer.

COSTELLO: What's bundled with my computer?

ABBOTT: Money.

COSTELLO: Money comes with my computer?

ABBOTT: Yes. No extra charge.

COSTELLO: I get a bundle of money with my computer? How much?

ABBOTT: One copy.

COSTELLO: Isn't it illegal to copy money?

ABBOTT: Microsoft gave us a license to copy Money.

COSTELLO: They can give you a license to copy money?

ABBOTT: Why not? THEY OWN IT!

(A few days later)

ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?

COSTELLO: How do I turn my computer off?

ABBOTT: Click on 'START'.............

Do you know what happened 159 years ago this fall... back in 1850?



California became a state
The people had no electricity..
The state had no money.
A lmost everyone spoke Spanish.
There were gunfights in the streets.

So basically nothing has changed except the women had real breasts and the men didn't hold hands.

'Well you see, Norm, it's like this . . . A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members. In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Now, as we know, excessive intake of alcohol kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. And that, Norm, is why you always feel smarter after a few beers.'


do you think we might be better off if BO drank more beer???

1) A possum is a flat animal that sleeps in the middle of the road.
2) There are 5,000 types of snakes and 4,998 of them live in MS.
3) There are 10,000 types of spiders, and all 10,000 of them live in MS.
4) If it grows, it'll stick ya. If it crawls, it'll bite cha..
5) "Onced" and "Twiced" are words.
6) It is not a shopping cart, it's a buggy.
7) "Jaw-P?" means, "Did y'all go to the bathroom?"
8) People actually grow and eat okra.
9) "Fixinto" is one word.
10) There is no such thing as lunch. There is only dinner and then there is supper...
11) Iced tea is appropriate for all meals, and you start drinking it when you're two.. We do like a little tea with our sugar.
12) Backwards and forwards means, "I know everythin' bout you."
13) The word "jeet" is actually a phrase meaning, "Did you eat?"
14) You don't have to wear a watch, because it doesn't matter what time it is. You work until you're done or it's too dark to see...
15) You don't PUSH buttons, you MASH em.
16) You measure distance in minutes.
17) You switch from heat to A/C in the same day.
18) All the festivals across the state are named after a fruit, vegetable, grain, insect or animal.
19) You know what a "Dawg" is.
20) You carry jumper cables in your car - for your own car.
21) You only own five spices: salt, pepper, Texas Pete , Tabasco and ketchup.
22) The local papers cover national and international news on one page, but require 6 pages for local gossip and high school football...
23) You think that the first day of deer season is a national holiday.
24) You find 100 degrees "a bit warm."
25) You know all four seasons: Almost summer, summer, still summer, and Christmas.
26) Going to Walmart is a favorite past time known as "goin' Walmartin" or "off to Wally World."
27) You describe the first cool snap (below 70 degrees) as good hog killin' weather.
28) Fried catfish is the other white meat.
29) We don't need no dang Driver's Ed...If our mama says we can drive, we can drive dag-nabbit.
30) You understand these jokes and forward them to your MS friends and those who just wish they were from Mississippi !!!!!

Welcome to Mississippi, y'all.

Not exactly a joke. True story. Funny as all get out.
When Apollo Mission Astronaut Neil Armstrong first walked on the moon, he not only gave his famous "one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind" statement but followed it by several remarks, usual com traffic between him, the other astronauts and Mission Control. Just before he re-entered the lander, however, he made the enigmatic remark "Good luck, Mr. Gorsky."

Many people at NASA thought it was a casual remark concerning some rival Soviet Cosmonaut. However, upon checking, there was no Gorsky in either the Russian or American space programs. Over the years many people questioned Armstrong as to what the "Good luck, Mr. Gorsky" statement meant, but Armstrong always just smiled.

On July 5, 1995 (in Tampa Bay, FL) while answering questions following a speech, a reporter brought up the 26 year old question to Armstrong. This time he finally responded. Mr. Gorsky had finally died and so Neil Armstrong felt he could answer the question.

When he was a kid, he was playing baseball with a friend in the backyard. His friend hit a fly ball which landed in the front of his neighbor's bedroom windows. His neighbors were Mr. & Mrs. Gorsky.

As he leaned down to pick up the ball, young Armstrong heard Mrs. Gorsky shouting at Mr. Gorsky, "Oral sex! You want oral sex?! You'll get oral sex when the kid next door walks on the moon!"

True story.

I wonder, did he get lucky?

One year, a husband decided to buy his mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift.
The next year, he didn't buy her a gift.

When she asked him why, he replied, "Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"

And that's how the fight started.....

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My wife walked into the den & asked "What's on the tv?"
I replied "Dust".

And that's how the fight started.....


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A woman is standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror. She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband, 'I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment..'

The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's near perfect.'

And that's how the fight started.....


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My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary. She said, 'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 200 in about 3seconds.

I bought her a scale.

And that's how the fight started.....


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I asked my wife, 'Where do you want to go for our anniversary?' It warmed my heart to see her face melt in sweet appreciation.

'Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!' she said.

So I suggested, 'How about the kitchen?'

And that's when the fight started....


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My wife and I are watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed. I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have sex?'

'No,' she answered.

I then said, 'Is that your final answer?'

She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying 'Yes.'

So I said, 'Then I'd like to phone a friend.'

And that's when the fight started....


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I tried to talk my wife into buying a case of Miller Light for $14.95. Instead, she bought a jar of cold cream for $7.95.

I told her the beer would make her look better at night than the cold cream.

And that's when the fight started.....


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I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order first. 'I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please.'

He said, 'Aren't you worried about the mad cow?'

'Nah, she can order for herself.'

And that's when the fight started...

An elderly man suffered a massive heart attack. The family drove wildly to get him to the emergency room.

After what seemed like eternity, the ER Doctor appeared, wearing a long face.

Sadly, he said, "I'm afraid h is brain-dead, but his heart is still beating."

"Oh, Dear," cried his wife, her hands clasped against her cheeks with shock! "We've never had a Democrat in the family before!"

Gabriel went to the Lord and said, "I have to talk to you. We have some Texans up here who are causing some real problems... They're swinging on the Pearly Gates, my horn is missing, and they are wearing T-shirts instead of their robes; there's barbecue sauce and picante sauce all over everything, especially their T-shirts;
their dogs are riding in the chariots and chasing the sheep.

They are wearing baseball caps and cowboy hats instead of their halos.

They refuse to keep the stairway to Heaven clean, and their boots are marking and scuffing up the halls of Wisdom. There are watermelon seeds and tortilla chip crumbs all over the place. Some of them are walking around with just one wing; and they insist on bringing their darn horses with them."

The Lord said, "Texans are Texans, Gabriel. Heaven is home to all of my children. If you want to know about real problems, call the Devil."

So Gabriel calls the Devil who answers the phone and says, "Hello -- hold on a minute."

When he returns to the phone the Devil says, "O.K., I'm back. What can I do for you?"

Gabriel replied, "I just want to know what kinds of problems you are having down there with the Texans."

The Devil said, "Hold on again. I need to check on something."

After about 5 minutes the Devil returned to the phone and said. "I'm back. Now what was the question?"

Gabriel said, "What kind of problems are you having down there with the Texans?"

The Devil said, "Man, I don't believe this...hold on!!!!"

This time the Devil was gone 15 minutes and when he returns he says, "I'm sorry Gabriel -- I can't talk right now!! Red Adair has put out the fire here and now Brown & Root is installing air conditioning!!!!"

Always remember ... TEXANS SURVIVE ... despite the odds against us!!!

Will I Live to see 80?

Here's something to think about.

I recently picked a new primary care doctor. After two visits and exhaustive Lab tests, he said I was doing 'fairly well' for my age.. (I just turned 49.)

A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him, 'Do you think I'll live to be 80?'

He asked, 'Do you smoke tobacco, or drink beer or wine?'

'Oh no,' I replied... 'I'm not doing drugs, either!'

Then he asked, 'Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?

'I said, 'Not much... my former doctor said that all red meat is very unhealthy!'

'Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, sailing, hiking, or bicycling?'

'No, I don't,' I said.

He asked, 'Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have a lot of sex?'

'No,' I said.

He looked at me and said,... 'Then, why do you even give a shit?

The $2.99 Special


We went to breakfast at a restaurant where the 'seniors' special' was two eggs, bacon, hash browns and toast for $2.99.

'Sounds good,' my wife said. 'But I don't want the eggs.'

'Then, I'll have to charge you three dollars and forty-nine cents because you're ordering a la carte,' the waitress warned her.


'You mean I'd have to pay for not taking the eggs?' my wife asked incredulously.


'YES!!' stated the waitress.


'I'll take the special then,' my wife said.


'How do you want your eggs?' the waitress asked.

'Raw and in the shell,' my wife replied. She took the two eggs home and baked a cake.

DON'T MESS WITH SENIORS!!!
WE'VE been around the block more than once!

Strange headlines. Don't these people know the english language????

Man Kills Self Before Shooting Wife and Daughter
This one I caught in the SGV Tribune the other day and called the Editorial Room and asked who wrote this. It took two or three readings before the editor realized that what he was reading was impossible! They put in a correction the next day.


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I just couldn't help but sending this along. Too funny.
Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says
No crap, really? Ya think?
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
Now that's taking things a bit far!
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Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over
What a guy!
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Miners Refuse to Work after Death
No-good-for-nothing, lazy so-and-so's!
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Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
See if that works any better than a fair trial!
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War Dims Hope for Peace
I can see where it might have that effect!
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If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile
Ya think?!
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
Who would have thought!
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Enfield (London) Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide
They may be on to something!
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges
You mean there's something stronger than duct tape?
----------------------------------------------------------
Man Struck By Lightning: Faces Battery Charge
He probably IS the battery charge!
----------------------------------------------
New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
Weren't they fat enough?!
-----------------------------------------------
Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft
That's what he gets for eating those beans!
-------------------------------------------------
Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
Do they taste like chicken?
****************************************
Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half
Chainsaw Massacre all over again!
***************************************************
Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors
Boy, are they tall!
*******************************************
And the winner is...
Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead

Did I read that right?
***************************************************

Obama Jokes

Q: What's the main problem with Barack Obama jokes?
A: His followers don't think they're funny and everyone else doesn't think they're jokes.

Q: Why does Barack Obama oppose the Second Amendment?
A: It stands between him and the First.

Q: What's the difference between Rahm Emanuel and a carp?
A: One is a scum sucking bottom feeder and the other is a fish.

Q: What's the difference between Greta Van Susteren and Barack Obama?
A: Greta only talks out of one side of her mouth.

Q: What does Barack Obama call lunch with a convicted felon?
A: A fund raiser.

Q: What's the difference between Obama's cabinet and a penitentiary?
A: One's full of tax evaders, blackmailers and threats to society. The other is for prisoners.

Q: What's the difference between a large pizza and the typical Obama backer?
A: The pizza can feed a family of four.


SubmittedQ: What's the difference between a zoo and the White House?
A: A zoo has an African lion and the White House has a lyin' African.

Q: If Pelosi and Obama were in a boat and it started to sink, who would be saved?
A: America!

Q: What do you call the US after four years of Obama and the Liberal congress?
A: An Obama-nation.

Q: What's the difference between Obama and Hitler?
A: Hitler wrote his own book.

Q: What's another difference between Obama and Hitler?
A: Hitler got the Olympics to come to his country.

Q: Why doesn't Obama pray?
A: It's impossible to read the teleprompter with your eyes closed.

Can't forget Uncle Jay
http://unclejayexplains.com/2009/10/18/unc...ns-oct-19-2009/

Once upon a time, a guy asked a girl 'Will you marry me?'

The girl said, 'NO!'

And the guy lived happily ever after and rode motorcycles and went fishing and hunting and played golf a lot and traveled everywhere and still had money in the bank and left the toilet seat up and farted whenever he wanted.

The end