Clean Jokes And Humor, If the teens shouldn't read-Don't post

This is an ethnic joke and to let you know; I am of Dutch, Irish and Cherokee ancestry, I am an American and laugh at jokes about me and mine so Ahkmed can to or just go blow something up !!!

Ahkmed the Arab

Ahkmed the Arab came to the United States from the Middle East, and he was only
here a few months when he became very ill.

He went to doctor after doctor, but none of them could help him.

Finally, he went to an Arab doctor who said, "Take dees bocket, go into de
odder room, poop in de bocket, pee on de poop, and den put your head down over
de bocket and breathe in de fumes for ten minutes."

Ahkmed took the bucket, went into the other room, pooped in the bucket, peed on
the poop, bent over and breathed in the fumes for ten minutes.

Coming back to the doctor he said, "It worked. I feel terrific! What was wrong
with me?"

The doctor said, "You were homesick."


Another one, old one for sure;

How do you know when an Arab has grown up?

When he takes the diaper off his butt and wears it on his head !

I was at the mall the other day eating at the food court. I noticed an old man watching a teenager sitting next to him. The teenager had spiked hair in all different colors: green, red, orange, and blue.

The old man kept staring at him.

The teenager would look and find the old man staring every time.

When the teenager had enough, he sarcastically asked, "What' s the matter old man, never done anything wild in your life?"

The old man did not bat an eye in his response, "Got drunk once and had sex with a peacock. I was just wondering if you were my son."

My flight was being served by an obviously gay
flight attendant, who seemed to put everyone in a good mood as he served
us food and drinks. As the plane prepared to
descend, he came swishing down the aisle and told us
that "Captain Marvey has asked me to announce that
he'll be landing the big scary plane shortly, so
lovely people, if you could just put your trays up,
that would be super."

On his trip back up the aisle, he noticed this
well-dressed and Arabic looking woman hadn't
moved a muscle. "Perhaps you didn't hear me over
those big brute engines but I asked you to raise
your trazy-poo, so the main man can pitty-pat us on
the ground."

She calmly turned her head and said, "In my
country, I am called a Princess and I take orders from no one."
To which (I swear) the flight attendant replied,
without missing a beat,
"Well, sweet-cheeks, in my country I'm called a
Queen, so I outrank you. Tray-up, Bitch."

Red Pigeon

The mayor of Houston Texas was very worried about a plague of pigeons in Houston. The mayor could not remove the pigeons from the city. All of Houston was full of pigeon poop. The people of Houston couldn't walk on the sidewalks or drive on the roads. It was costing a fortune to try to keep the streets and sidewalks clean.

One day a man came to City Hall and offered the Mayor a proposition. "I can rid your beautiful city of its plague of pigeons without cost to the city. But, you must promise not to ask me any questions. Or, you can pay me five million dollars and ask one question." The mayor considered the offer briefly and accepted the free proposition.

The next day the man climbed to the top of City Hall, opened his coat, and released a red pigeon. The red pigeon circled in the air and flew up into the bright blue Texas sky. All the pigeons in Houston saw the red pigeon. They gathered up behind the red pigeon. The Houston pigeons followed the red pigeon as she flew eastward out of the city.

The next day the red pigeon returned completely alone to the man atop City Hall. The Mayor was very impressed. He thought the man and the red pigeon had performed a wonderful miraculous feat to rid Houston of the plague of pigeons.

Even though the man with the pigeon had charged nothing, the mayor presented him with a check for 5 million dollars and told the man that, indeed, he did have a question to ask and even though they had agreed to no fee and the man had rid the city of pigeons, he decided to pay the 5 million just to get to ask ONE question.

The man accepted the money and told the mayor to ask his question.





The mayor asked;

"Do you have any red Mexicans ?"

SOUTHERN GRANDMA


Lawyers should never ask a Southern grandma a question if they aren't
prepared for the answer.

In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first
witness, a grand motherly, elderly woman to the stand.

He approached her and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?"

She responded, "Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you
since you were a young boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to
me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk
about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't
the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit
paper pusher. Yes, I know you."

The lawyer was stunned! Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the
room and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?"

She again replied, "Why, yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a
youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't
build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the
worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three
different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him."

The defense attorney almost died.

The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench and, in a Very quiet
voice, said, "If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I'll send
you to the electric chair.

Yeah for granny's

Gramma rocks!!!

Sometimes what we say can be misunderstood if we do not say it just right, it can happen to the best of us.

Tickle Me Elmo:

There is a factory in Northern Minnesota which makes the Tickle Me Elmo toys.

The toy laughs when you tickle it under the arms.

Well, Lena is hired at The Tickle Me Elmo factory and she reports for her first day promptly at 8:00 AM.

The next day at 8:45 AM there is a knock at the Personnel Manager's door

The Foreman throws open the door and begins to rant about the new employee.

He complains that she is incredibly slow and the whole line is backing up, putting the entire production line behind schedule.

The Personnel Manager decides he should see this for himself, so the 2 men march down to the factory floor.

When they get there the line is so backed up that there are Tickle me Elmo's all over the factory floor and they are really beginning to pile up,

At the end of the line stands Lena surrounded by mountains of Tickle Me Elmos

She has a roll of plush red fabric and a huge bag of small marbles.

The 2 men watch in amazement as she cuts a little piece of fabric, wraps

it around two marbles and begins to carefully sew the little package between Elmo's legs.

The Personnel Manager bursts into laughter.

After several minutes of hysterics he pulls himself together and approaches Lena.

"I'm sorry," he says to her, barely able to keep a straight face, "but I

think you misunderstood the instructions I gave you yesterday... "

"Your job is to give Elmo Two Test Tickles".

Wal-Mart Husband



Mr. and Mrs. Fenton are retired. Mrs. Fenton insists that he go with her to Walmart. He gets bored with all the shopping. He prefers to get in and get out, but Mrs. Fenton loves to browse. Here's a letter sent to her from the store.

Dear Mrs. Fenton,

Over the past six months, your husband has been causing quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and may ban both of you from our stores. We have documented all incidents on our video surveillance equipment. All complaints against Mr. Fenton are listed below.

Things Mr. Bill Fenton has done while his spouse was shopping in Wal-Mart:

1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's carts when they weren't looking.

2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in House wares to go off at 5-minute intervals.

3. July 7: Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the restrooms.

4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official tone, 'Code 3' in house wares... and watched what happened.

5. Aug 4: Went to the Service Desk and asked to put a bag of M&M's on layaway.

6. Sept 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

7. Sept 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told other shoppers he'd invite them in if they'll bring pillows from the bedding department.

8. Sept 23: When a clerk asks if they can help him, he begins to cry and asks, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?'

9. Oct 4: Looked right into the security camera; used it as a mirror, and picked his nose.

10. Nov 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, asked the clerk if he knows where to find the antidepressants.

11. Dec 3: Darted around the store suspiciously loudly humming the "Mission Impossible" theme.

12. Dec 6: In the auto department, practiced his "Madonna look" using different size funnels.

13. Dec 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browse through, yelled "PICK ME!" "PICK ME!"

14. Dec 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumes the fetal position and screams "NO! NO! It's those voices again!!!!"

And last, but not least ....


15. Dec 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile and then yelled very loudly, "there is no toilet paper in here"

Where can I meet a guy like this?!?

Probably right here on this forum.

A United States Marine was attending some college courses between assignments. He had completed missions in Iraq and Afghanistan. One of the courses had a professor who was a vowed atheist and a member of the ACLU.

One day the professor shocked the class when he came in. He looked to the ceiling and flatly stated, "God, if you are real, then I want you to knock me off this platform. I'll give you exactly 15 minutes." The lecture room fell silent. You could hear a pin drop. Ten minutes went by and the professor proclaimed, "Here I am God. I'm still waiting." It got down to the last couple of minutes when the Marine got out of his Chair, went up to the professor, and cold-cocked him; knocking him off the platform. The professor was out cold.

The Marine went back to his seat and sat there, silently. The other students were shocked and stunned and sat there looking on in silence. The professor eventually came to, noticeably shaken, looked at the Marine and asked, "What the hell is the matter with you? Why did you do that?" The Marine calmly replied, "God was too busy today, protecting America's soldiers who are protecting your right to say stupid shit and act like an asshole. So, He sent me."

<span style='font-family:Optima'>An elderly Italian went to the village church to make confession for the first time in many decades.
When the priest slid open the panel in the confessional, the man said, "Father, during World War II, a beautiful woman knocked on my door and asked me to hide her from the enemy. I hid her in my attic."
The priest replied, "That was a wonderful thing you did, my son! You have no need to confess it."
"It's worse than that, Father," he continued. "She quickly started to repay me with sexual favors."
"People in wartime sometimes act in ways they wouldn't under normal conditions. If you are truly sorry for your actions, you are forgiven."
"Thank you, Father. That's a great load off my mind. May I ask a question?"
"What, my son?"
"When should I tell her the war is over?" </span>

Al Gore is out jogging one morning, notices a little boy on the corner with a box. Curious, he runs over to the child and says, "What's in the box, kid?" The little boy says, "Kittens, they're brand new kittens." Al Gore laughs and says, "What kind of kittens are they?" "Democrats," the child says. "Oh, that's cute," Al Gore says and he runs off. A couple of days later, Al Gore is running with his buddy Bill Clinton and he spies the same boy with his box just ahead. Al says to Bill, "You gotta check this out," and they both jog over to the boy with the box. Al says, "Look in the box Bill, isn't that cute? Look at those little kittens. Hey, kid, tell my friend Bill what kind of kittens they are." The boy replies, "They're Republicans."

"Whoa!" Al says, "I came by here the other day and you said they were Democrats. What's up?" "Well," the kid says, "Their eyes are open now."

Subject: Git-R-Dun!



" Hello, is this the Sheriff's Office?"



"Yes. What can I do for you?"

" I'm calling to report 'bout my neighbor Virgil Smith....He's hidin'

marijuana inside his firewood!

Don't quite know how he gets it inside them logs, but he's hidin' it there."


Thank you very much for the call, sir."


The next day, the Sheriff's Deputies descend on Virgil's house. They

search the shed where the firewood is kept. Using axes, they bust open

every piece of wood, but find no marijuana. They sneer at Virgil and

leave.


Shortly, the phone rings at Virgil's house.

"Hey, Virgil!



This here's Floyd....did the Sheriff come?"

"Yeah!"

"Did they chop your firewood?"

"Yep!"

"Happy Birthday, buddy!"



(Rednecks know how to git-R-dun)

While on a road trip, an elderly couple stopped at a roadside restaurant
for lunch. After finishing their meal, they left the restaurant and resumed
their trip.

When leaving, the elderly woman unknowingly left her glasses on the
table, she didn't miss them until after they had been driving about twenty
minutes. By then, to add to the aggravation, they had to travel quite a
distance before they could find a place to turn around in order to return
to the restaurant to retrieve her glasses.

All the way back, the elderly husband became the classic grouchy old man.

He fussed and complained and scolded his wife relentlessly during the
entire return drive. The more he chided her, the more agitated he
became. He just wouldn't let up one minute.To her relief, they finally
arrived at the
restaurant. And as the woman got out of the car and hurried inside to
retrieve her glasses, the old geezer yelled to her,.......


"While you're in there, you might as well get my hat."

**A Christmas Story for people having a bad day....**

When four of Santa's elves got sick, and the trainee elves did not
produce the toys as fast as the regular ones, Santa was beginning to feel
the pressure of being behind schedule. Then Mrs. Claus told Santa that her
Mom was coming to visit. This stressed Santa even more. When he went to
harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about
to give birth and two had jumped the fence and were out, heaven knows
where. More stress.
Then when he began to load the sleigh one of the
boards cracked, and the toy bag fell to the ground and scattered the toys.
So, frustrated, Santa went into the house for a cup of apple cider and a
shot of rum. When he went to the cupboard he discovered that the elves had
hidden the liquor, and there was nothing to drink. In his frustration he
accidentally dropped the cider pot, and it broke into hundreds of little
pieces all over the kitchen floor.
He went to get the broom and found that
mice had eaten the straw end of the broom. Just then the doorbell rang,
and irritable Santa trudged to the door. He opened the door and there was
a little angel with a great big Christmas tree. The angel said very
cheerfully, "Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn't it a lovely day? I have a
beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to stick it?"


And........ so began the tradition of the little Angel on top of the
Christmas tree.

This is FUNNY!

That was great GWEH!

Okay, disclaimer first: I have nothing against rednecks. I think by definition I is one!!!

These two rednecks were talking and one says to the other; "Elmer, If I told you I was sick and couldn't go hunting with you tomorrow and went and had sex with your wife while you were out hunting, would that make us kin.

Elmer thought a minute, spit his tobacco juice, and replied; "Nope Billy Bob, I don't think it makes us kin but it does make us even!!!!

Paul

A HOLIDAY GREETING TO MY FRIENDS


For My Democrat Friends:


Please accept with no obligation, implied or implicit, my best wishes for
an environmentally conscious, socially responsible, low stress, non
addictive, gender neutral celebration of the winter solstice holiday,
practiced within the most enjoyable traditions of the religious persuasion
of your choice, or secular practices of your choice, with respect for the
religious/secular persuasion and/or traditions of others, or their choice
not to practice religious or secular traditions at all. I also wish you a
fiscally successful, personally fulfilling and medically uncomplicated
recognition of the onset of the generally accepted calendar year 2007,
but not without due respect for the calendars of choice of other cultures
whose contributions to society have helped make America great. Not to
imply that America is necessarily greater than any other country nor the
only America in the Western Hemisphere Also, this wish is made without
regard to the race, creed, color, age, physical ability, religious faith or
sexual preference of the wishee.


By accepting these greetings, you are accepting the aforementioned
terms as stated. This greeting is not subject to clarification or
withdrawal.
It is freely transferable with no alteration to the original greeting. It
implies
no promise by the wisher to actually implement any of the wishes for
herself/himself/others, and is void where prohibited by law and is
revocable at the sole discretion of the wisher. This wish is warranted to
perform as expected within the usual application of good tidings for a
period of one year or until the issuance of a subsequent holiday greeting,
whichever comes first, and warranty is limited to replacement of this wish
or issuance of a new wish at the sole discretion of the wish.



For My Republican Friends:

Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year!

Now THAT I am sending to my father!!!!!

Merry Christmas all!!!

In Gary's name and for the winter season:

IT WAS OCTOBER AND THE INDIANS ON A REMOTE RESERVATION ASKED THEIR NEW CHIEF IF THE COMING WINTER WAS GOING TO BE COLD OR MILD. SINCE HE WAS A CHIEF IN A MODERN SOCIETY HE HAD NEVER BEEN TAUGHT THE OLD SECRETS.

WHEN HE LOOKED AT THE SKY HE COULDN'T TELL WHAT THE WINTER WAS GOING TO BE LIKE. NEVERTHELESS, TO BE ON THE SAFE SIDE, HE TOLD HIS TRIBE THAT THE WINTER WAS INDEED GOING TO BE COLD AND THAT THE MEMBERS OF THE VILLAGE SHOULD COLLECT FIREWOOD TO BE PREPARED.

BUT BEING A PRACTICAL LEADER, AFTER SEVERAL DAYS HE GOT AN IDEA. HE WENT TO THE PHONE BOOTH, CALLED THE NATIONAL WEATHER SERVICE AND ASKED, "IS THE COMING WINTER GOING TO BE COLD?"

"IT LOOKS LIKE THIS WINTER IS GOING TO BE QUITE COLD," THE METEOROLOGIST AT THE WEATHER SERVICE RESPONDED.

SO THE CHIEF WENT BACK TO HIS PEOPLE AND TOLD THEM TO COLLECT EVEN MORE FIREWOOD IN ORDER TO BE PREPARED.

A WEEK LATER HE CALLED THE NATIONAL WEATHER SERVICE AGAIN. "DOES IT STILL LOOK LIKE IT IS GOING TO BE A VERY COLD WINTER?"

"YES," THE MAN AT NATIONAL WEATHER SERVICE AGAIN REPLIED, "IT'S GOING TO BE A VERY COLD WINTER."

THE CHIEF AGAIN WENT BACK TO HIS PEOPLE AND ORDERED THEM TO COLLECT EVERY SCRAP OF FIREWOOD THEY COULD FIND.

TWO WEEKS LATER THE CHIEF CALLED THE NATIONAL WEATHER SERVICE AGAIN. "ARE YOU ABSOLUTELY SURE THAT THE WINTER IS GOING TO BE VERY COLD?"

"ABSOLUTELY," THE MAN REPLIED. "IT'S LOOKING MORE AND MORE LIKE IT IS GOING TO BE ONE OF THE COLDEST WINTERS EVER."

"HOW CAN YOU BE SO SURE?" THE CHIEF ASKED.

THE WEATHERMAN REPLIED, "THE INDIANS ARE COLLECTING FIREWOOD LIKE CRAZY."


This Chief should have asked our GWEH what to do here.....I'm sure GWEH would have known a weathermans' word is just a snowflake over a lawyer's word....

A boy scout, Jesse Jackson, George Bush, and the Pope were on an airplane when the pilot says " we are going down, everyone bail out." At that point the 4 passengers saw the pilot bail, so they look around and realize there are only 3 parachutes.

The president says, " I'm the president and leader of the free world, I have to live." So he puts on a pack and bails out.

Jesse Jackson says, " I'm the smartest black person in the world, I have to live." So he puts on a pack and bails out.

The Pope looks at the young boy, and says, " Son, I've lived a good life and I wish the same for you, so you go and put that last parachute on and I'll go down with the plane."

The boy scout says, " It's ok Mr. Pope, we can both live, because the smartest black person in the world just bailed out of the plane with my backpack."

BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!

This explains why we forward jokes.

A man and his dog were walking along a road. The man was enjoying the scenery, when it suddenly occurred to him that he had died!

He remembered dying, and that the dog walking beside him had been dead for years. He wondered where the road was leading them.

After a while, they came to a high, white stone wall along one side of the road. It looked like fine marble. At the top of a long hill, it was broken by a tall arch that glowed in the sunlight.

When he was standing before it he saw a magnificent gate in the arch that looked like mother-of-pearl, and the street that led to the gate looked like pure gold. He and the dog walked toward the gate, and as he got closer, he saw a man at a desk to one side.

When he was close enough, he called out, "Excuse me, where are we?"

"This is Heaven, sir," the man answered.

"Wow! Would you happen to have some water?" the man asked.

Of course, sir. Come right in, and I'll have some ice water brought right up.""

The man gestured, and the gate began to open.

"Can my friend," gesturing toward his dog, "come in, too?" the traveler asked.

"I'm sorry, sir, but we don't accept pets."

The man thought a moment and then turned back toward the road and continued the way he had been going with his dog.

After another long walk, and at the top of another long hill, he came to a dirt road leading through a farm gate that looked as if it had never been closed. There was no fence.

As he approached the gate, he saw a man inside, leaning against a tree and reading a book.

"Excuse me!" he called to the man. "Do you have any water?"

"Yeah, sure, there's a pump over there, come on in."

"How about my friend here?" the traveler gestured to the dog.

"There should be a bowl by the pump."

They went through the gate, and sure enough, there was an old-fashioned hand pump with a bowl beside it.

The traveler filled the water bowl and took a long drink himself, then he gave some to the dog. When they were full, he and the dog walked back toward the man who was standing by the tree.

"What do you call this place?" the traveler asked.

"This is Heaven," he answered.

"Well, that's confusing," the traveler said. "The man down the road said that was Heaven, too."

"Oh, you mean the place with the gold street and pearly gates? Nope. That's hell."

"Doesn't it make you mad for them to use your name like that?"

"No, we're just happy that they screen out the folks who would leave their best friends behind."

Soooo.

Sometimes, we wonder why friends keep forwarding jokes to us without writing a word.

Maybe this will explain.

When you are very busy, but still want to keep in touch, guess what you do? You forward jokes.

When you have nothing to say, but still want to keep contact, you forward jokes.

When you have something to say, but don't know what, and don't know how, you forward jokes.

Also to let you know that you are still remembered, you are still important, you are still loved, you are still cared for, guess what you get?

A forwarded joke.

So, next time if you get a joke , don't think that you've been sent just another forwarded joke, but that you've been thought of today and your friend on the other end of your computer wanted to send you a smile.

You are all welcome @ my water bowl anytime.

Nice thing about the mountain. You can bring your pets. It ain't heaven, but all are welcome.

Sitting on the side of the road waiting to catch speeding drivers, a state trooper sees a car puttering along at 22 mph. He thinks to himself, "This driver is as dangerous as a speeder!" So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over.
Approaching the car, he notices that there are five elderly ladies -- two in the front seat and three in the back, wide-eyed and white as ghosts.
The driver, obviously confused, says to him, "Officer, I don't understand. I was going the exact speed limit. What seems to be the problem?" The trooper trying to contain a chuckle, explains to her that 22 was the Route number, not the speed limit.
A bit embarrassed, the woman grinned and thanked the officer for pointing out her error. "But before you go, Ma'am, I have to ask, is everyone in this car OK? "These women seem awfully shaken up."
"Oh, they'll be all right in a minute, officer. We just got off Route 127."

Finding one of her students making faces at others on the playground, Mrs. Smith stopped to gently reprove the child.

Smiling sweetly, the teacher said, "Duke, when I was a child I was told if that I made ugly faces, it would freeze and I would stay like that."

Little Duke looked up and replied, "Well, Mrs. Smith, you can't say you weren't warned."

An Old Farmer's Advice
* Your fences need to be horse-high, pig-tight and bull-strong.

* Keep skunks and bankers and lawyers at a distance.

* Life is simpler when you plow around the stump.

* A bumble bee is considerably faster than a John Deere tractor.

* Words that soak into your ears are whispered...not yelled.

* Meanness don't jes' happen overnight.

* Forgive your enemies. It messes up their heads.

* Do not corner something that you know is meaner than you.

* It don't take a very big person to carry a grudge.

* You cannot unsay a cruel word.

* Every path has a few puddles.

* When you wallow with pigs, expect to get dirty.

* The best sermons are lived, not preached.

* Most of the stuff people worry about ain't never gonna happen anyway.

* Don't judge folks by their relatives.

* Remember that silence is sometimes the best answer.

* Live a good, honorable life. Then when you get older and think back, you'll enjoy it a second time.

* Don't interfere with somethin' that ain't botherin' you none.

* Timing has a lot to do with the outcome of a rain dance.

* If you find yourself in a hole, the first thing to do is stop diggin'.

* Sometimes you get, and sometimes you get got.

*The biggest troublemaker you'll probably ever have to deal with watches you from the mirror every morn.

* Always drink upstream from the herd.

* Good judgment comes from experience, and a lotta that comes from bad judgment.

* Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier than puttin' it back in.

* If you get to thinkin' you're a person of some influence, try orderin' somebody else's dog around.

* Live simply. Love generously. Care deeply. Speak kindly. Leave the rest to God.

http://jflores.com/jokes/chowmein.htm

TURN sound on.

Two retired professors were vacationing with their wives at a hotel in the
Catskills. They were sitting on the veranda one summer evening, watching the
sun set.
The history professor asked the psychology professor, "Have you read Marx?"
To which the professor of psychology replied, "Yes and I think it's these pesky
wicker chairs."

Subject: MISSISSIPPI SOBRIETY TEST.

A Mississippi Trooper pulled a car over and asked the driver why he was speeding, the driver said he was a magician and juggler and was on his way to do a show at the circus. He didn't want to be late.

The Trooper told the driver he was fascinated by juggling and asked if he would do a little juggling for him then he wouldn't give him a ticket.

He told the Trooper he had sent his equipment ahead and didn't have anything to juggle. The Trooper said he had some flares in the trunk and asked if he could juggle them. The juggler said he could, so the Trooper got 3 flares, lit them and handed them to him.

While the man was juggling, a car pulled in behind the patrol car, a drunken Mississippi good old boy got out, watched the performance awhile, then went over to the patrol car, opened the rear door and got in.

The Trooper observed him and went over to the patrol car, opened the door asking the drunk what he thought he was doing.

The drunk replied;
"You might as well take me to jail, cause there's no way I can pass that test!"

HAVING MOM OVER FOR DINNER!

Duke invited his mother over for dinner. During the course of the meal, Duke's mother couldn't help but keep noticing how beautiful Duke's roommate, Stephanie, was.

Duke's Mom had long been suspicious of a relationship between Duke and Stephanie, and this had only made her more curious.

Over the course of the evening, while watching the two react, she started to really wonder if there was more between Duke and Stephanie than met the eye.

Reading his mom's thoughts, Duke volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you Stephanie and I are just roommates."


About a week later, Stephanie came to Duke saying, "Ever since your

mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the beautiful silver gravy ladle. You don't suppose she took it, do you?"

Duke said, "Well, I doubt it, but I'll send her an e-mail just to be sure". So he sat down and wrote:

Dear Mom,

I'm not saying that you "did" take the gravy ladle from the house. I'm not saying that you "did not" take the gravy ladle. But the fact remains that one has been
missing ever since you were here for dinner.
Love,
Duke


Several days later, Duke received an email back from his mother that read:

Dear Duke,

I'm not saying that you "do" sleep with Stephanie.
I'm not saying that you "do not" sleep with Stephanie, but the fact remains that if Stephanie had been sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the gravy ladle by now.

Love,
Mom



LESSON OF THE DAY ... NEVER LIE TO YOUR MOTHER

I love that joke!!!! I'd forgotten about it!!!

From Maxine;

Everyone concentrates on the problems we're having in this country lately; illegal immigration, hurricane recovery, wild animals attacking humans in Florida.

Not me. I concentrate on solutions to problems. The result is a win-win-win situation:
+ Dig a moat the length of the Mexican border
+ Use the dirt to raise the levies in New Orleans
+ Put the Florida alligators in the moat.

Any other problems you would like for me to solve today?

A man was flying from Seattle to San Francisco and
unexpectedly, the plane was diverted to Sacramento along the way.

In Sacramento the flight attendant explained "they could to get off
the plane and re-board in 50 minutes."

Everybody got off the plane except one lady who was blind. The
man had noticed her as he walked by and could tell the lady was
blind because her Seeing Eye dog lay quietly underneath the seats
in front of her throughout the entire flight.

He could also tell she had flown this very flight before
because the pilot approached her, and calling her by name, saying,
"Kathy, we are in Sacramento for almost an hour. Would you like
to get off and stretch your legs?"

The blind lady replied, "No
thanks, but maybe my dog would like to stretch his legs."

Picture this:

All the people in the gate area came to a complete standstill
when they looked up and saw the pilot walk off the plane with a
Seeing Eye dog! He was even wearing sunglasses.

People scattered. They not only tried to change planes, but they
were trying to change airlines!

THINGS AREN'T ALWAYS AS THEY APPEAR.

I dialed a number and got the following recording:

"I am not available right now, but
Thank you for caring enough to call.
I am making some changes in my life.
Please leave a message after the
Beep. If I do not return your call,
You are one of the changes."
~~~~~

Aspire to inspire before you expire.
~~~~~

My wife and I had words,
But I didn't get to use mine.
~~~~~

Frustration is trying to find your glasses without your glasses.
~~~~~

Blessed are those who can give without remembering
And take without forgetting.
~~~~~

The irony of life is that, by the time
You're old enough to know your way
Around, you're not going anywhere.
~~~~~

God made man before woman so as to give him time to think
Of an answer for her first question.
~~~~~

I was always taught to respect my elders,
But it keeps getting harder to find one.
~~~~~

Every morning is the dawn
of a new error.
~~~~~

The quote of the month is by Jay Leno:

"With hurricanes, tornados, fires out of control, mud slides, flooding, severe thunderstorms tearing up the country from one end to another, and with the threat of bird flu and terrorist attacks, "Are we sure this is a good time to take God out of the Pledge of Allegiance?"

No Bell Piece Prize and the PulletSurprise

( I changed a few words to make it a bit cleaner-Duke)


John the farmer was in the fertilized egg business. He had several hundred young layers (hens), called "pullets", and ten roosters, whose job it was to fertilize the eggs (for you city folks).

The farmer kept records and any rooster that didn't perform went into the soup pot and was replaced. That took an awful lot of his time, so he bought a set of tiny bells and attached them to his roosters. Each bell had a different tone so John could tell from a distance, which rooster was performing. Now he could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report simply by listening to the bells.

The farmer's favorite rooster was old Butch, and a very fine specimen he was, too. But on this particular morning, John noticed old Butch's bell hadn't rung at all! John went to investigate.

The other roosters were chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing. The pullets, hearing the roosters coming, would run for cover. But to Farmer John's amazement, old Butch had his bell in his beak, so it couldn't ring. He would sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one. John was so proud of old Butch, he entered him in the Renfrew County Fair and he became an overnight sensation among the judges.

The result? The judges not only awarded old Butch the "No Bell Piece Prize" but they also awarded him the "Pulletsurprise" as well.

Clearly old Butch was a politician in the making: Who else but a politician could figure out how to win two of the most highly coveted awards on our planet by being the best at sneaking up on the populace and "doing them" when they weren't paying attention?

An Italian, a Scotsman and a Chinese man, are hired at a construction
site.
The foreman points out a huge pile of sand and says to the Italian
guy, "You're in charge of sweeping."
To the Scotsman he says, "You're in charge of shoveling."
To the Chinese guy, "You're in charge of supplies."

He then says, "I'll be back in a few minutes and I expect you
men to make a dent in that pile of sand."
So when the foreman returns about forty minutes later the pile of sand is untouched.

He asks the Italian, "Why didn't you sweep any of it?" The Italian
replies, "I no hava no broom. You saida to the Chinesea fella that he a
wasa ina charge of supplies, but he hasa disappeared and I no coulda finda
him ah nowhere."

Then the foreman turns to the Scotsman and says "And you, I thought I
told you to shovel this pile." The Scotsman replies, "Aye, that ye did
laddie, boot ah could nae get meself a shoovel. Ye left th' Chinese gadgie
in chairge of supplies, boot ah couldna fin' him neither."

The foreman is really angry now...................,


...just then, the Chinese man leaps out from behind the pile of sand and yells,
"SUPPLIES!!!!"

Hillary, Bill, and the Labrador;

Hillary Clinton called Bill into her office one day and said, 'Bill, I have a great idea! I know how we can win back middle America and secure my presidential victory in 2008."

"Great, but how", asked Bill? Well, Hillary responded, we'll go down to a local
Wal-Mart, get some cheezy clothes and shoes like most middle Americans wear and then we'll stop at the pound and pick up a "Labrador".

Then we'll find a nice old country bar in middle America, and we'll show them that we really enjoy the Countryside and show admiration and respect for the hard working people living there".

A few days later, all decked out and with the requisite Labrador at heel, they set off from New York in a westerly direction. Eventually they arrived at just the place they were looking for.

Dog in tow they walk into the bar, step up to the bar, the Bartender took a step back and said, " aren't you Bill and Hillary Clinton?" Hillary answered, "yes we are, and what a lovely town you have here. We were just passing through and Bill suggested that we stop and take in some local color."

They ordered a couple of cocktails from the bartender and proceed to drink them down, all the while chatting up a storm with anyone who would listen.

A grizzled old farmer comes in and walks up to the Labrador, lifts its tail and looks underneath, shrugs his shoulders and walks out the door.

A few moments later, in comes another old farmer, walks up to the dog, lifts its tail, looks underneath, scratches his head, turns and leaves the bar.
Over the course of the next hour or so, another four or five farmers come in, lift the dog's tail, and go away looking puzzled.

Eventually Hillary and Bill could stand it any longer and called the bartender over.
"Tell me" said Hillary, "why did all those old farmers come in and look under the dog's tail like that? Is it some sort of old custom?"

"Good Lord no," said the bartender.
"Its just that someone has told them that there was a Labrador in this bar with
two tailholes!".