Valencia Academy

[Joey Jordison]

The seed is listening...
The seed is seething...
The seed is waiting...

Entry One:

I realize I really should date this thing, but honestly (as bad as this sounds), I don't know the date. I've completely lost track of time since coming here. Hell, for all I know, it could be my birthday right now and I wouldn't even realize it. All I know is that it's January. Or maybe I'm wrong there. Oh well. It's not like it really matters, anyway. I'm completely trapped inside this castle with no way out. I don't think any of us are ever getting out of here.

Here, I guess I'll start from the beginning.

I was stoned when it happened. I had smoked two joints all to myself before plopping down on my bed and playing a video game. I must've been playing for only a half-hour, because I started off on the last level and I never beat it. It makes me mad thinking about it, but that's just me being irrational. My priorities are way out of proportion. Anyway, I heard a crash from downstairs and immediately paused the game. I ran downstairs, thinking to myself I'd probably have the honor of laughing at one of my sisters who had just tripped over one of my huge boots. When the living room came into view, however, I realized that someone had fallen. Or rather, they were knocked over.

Five men in uniform with machine guns and twisted expressions were evading my home. One of them knocked out Anne with the butt of their gun. Another pinned my mother up against the wall. My father wasn't happy. He was fighting back against Valencia's men. One of them lifted their gun, aimed, then fired, hitting my father square in the forehead. Screams filled the room. Both of my sisters were old enough to understand that their father was just killed before their eyes. Kate was fifteen and Anne was six. Kate, who was now being forced to the ground, vomited all over the floor. She was hyperventilating by now. My mother, during all of this, was pinned up against the wall. Her shoulder must've been dyslocated or something, because by the looks of it, if the soldier were to be forced any further behind her back, it would completely break off.

This is about the time where I get pissed off. I rushed the rest of the way down the stairs. The rest was a blur. I must've blacked out, but the next thing I remember is a sharp pain in the back of my head. I looked up to see that one of the guards had smacked me in the back of the head with his gun. I was on the floor now, but that's all I remember from that night. I got knocked out right after then.

Then ... I woke up here.

And the seed is going to rip out the jugular and bleed the bloated, disenchanted establishment.
Feed the seed.

Joey Jordison

[Joey Jordison]

I'm the pariah.
I am the liar.
I can take anything.
Accuse me of everything.
Cut off the system.
Deny my existance.
I won't be afraid.
I won't be unmade.

Entry Two:

I guess I was a bit vague about where exactly I woke up. As we speak, I'm sitting in one of the many empty corridors of Valencia Academy. As far as I know, this place in unknown to the world. That would be expected, seeing as Valencia probably doesn't want the world to know about his 'secret weapons'. His secret weapons being the students at this academy.

We're all special in different ways. Me, for example. I'm a people morpher. I can change my appearance to suit my mood or to trick someone else. There are also quite a few other 'special abilities' that the students in this school have. We all have our own special classes where the teacher works on making our abilities stronger.

It's hard to believe that just a few months ago I was getting stoned with my best friends and cow-tipping in the middle of the night. It's hard to believe that I'm most likely never going to see my friends again. My family is most likely dead by now. Well, I know my dad is, but I don't know about my sisters or my mother. I'm just hoping the guards didn't kill off everyone I ever socialized with.

Speaking of which, I've made some friends here. I actually got a girlfriend, if you can believe it. (I just realized that I'm writing in this thing like I'm writing a letter to an old friend. I'm going to stop that now.)

Nen Nox. We haven't been dating that long and already I feel a strange bond with her. I guess it's because she's one of the few that's helping me recover from my addictions and she's not judging me because of those addictions. Sure, we've already had a rough patch, but we smoothed it out and worked through it. The only other girlfriend I've ever had broke up with me because I annoyed her. Nen doesn't seem to think me an annoyance.

Then there's Ash Seisris. I met her before anyone here. She was my first friend, really. I feel I can connect with her because we both have our share of mental disorders and psychotic issues. She understands me and I understand her. We've also had our share of bumpy rides, but then again, what good friendship isn't complete without a few disagreements?

The rest of the people I've met here I haven't spoken to recently. Ash and Nen seem to be the only two of my friends I'm communicating with. Not that the other people I've met aren't important, it's just they aren't around enough to really be on my mind that much.

Break me.
Save me.
Make me.
Take me.
Shape me.
Waste me.
Try me.
Deny me.

Joey Jordison

[Joey Jordison]

Cycle of life and death supposedly
Goes 'round and 'round yet it stops with me
Glorious hunter of my faith I have sinned
Killers are quiet like the the breath of the wind

Filling the shadows with forms of my own
Raised by kindred of Get I was born
Abomination world in disarray
Killers are quiet when they seek the vitae

Entry Three:

I tried eating yesterday while I was sitting at lunch with Nen, Ash, Ames, and this new guy, Eron. I munched on a chicken leg for a little bit, but I got full after a few bites. I guess that's what I get for not eating. Not to mention, I got terrible heartburn. Big surprise. I guess that's what I get for eating. I just threw the half-eaten chicken across the room after that. Not sure who I hit, but I think I might've given them a concusion. I threw it pretty hard.

Eron seems like a cool kid. The thing, is yesterday was my first time meeting him, and he now knows me as 'the kid in drag'. It was funny because he said I looked good in it. Makes me giggle.

I think I feel another migraine coming on. I'm still unsure if this is physical addiction or if it's just all in my head. But how can I still be addicted after all this time? It doesn't make any sence. I'm trying so desperately not to think about it, but even when I'm around my friends I'll stop and think about my past life. Life as I knew it in Iowa.

I feel this sudden, strange urge to watch some of the videos I have on my recorder. I'll end up doing that later. It seems to be the only entertainment there is in this school. Not to mention I need a good cry at the moment, and watching old flix of my friends and I will probably be enough of a push for that. Although, I think I'll need to find a more secluded area for that. I really don't want to get caught crying over a video, blubbering like an idiot. I can hear it now. "Not only does he look like a girl, but he cries like one, too!" Not that I care. I'd just rather word not get to Valencia that I'm a pussy. My pride can take a pretty brutal beating at times, but having Valencia know that I have feelings will totally set my pride on fire and let it burn until there's no more.

Reflection beckons a portal shard
Spiritual quest I must stay on guard
Stepping sideways betweens worlds I shift
Killers are quiet when they're born with the gift

Beautiful Anguish cast out by my race
Now one that's Ageless I save my own face
I write my own laws with Death I break bread
Killers are quiet when they come from my head

Joey Jordison

[Joey Jordison]

Zero and zero is nothing but zero
Cancer and people conspire together
Running and running and going forever
Collected and sampled, starving for zero
Come see my cage - built in my grain

Entry Four:

A lot has happened over the past few days, I just haven't had the time to write. Like, for one, Ames and I are cool now. Not to mention she actually speaks. We're both sharing the same worry for Nen, who hasn't been eating. I haven't spoken to her since the incident in the dining hall. I don't know where she is, but I really need to see her. I need to know she's okay. I don't know what's happening.

I found Ash down in the dungeons the other day. I had woken up from another nightmare and decided to take a walk around the school. Ended up down there. I heard her scream and made a run for it. When I found her, she was throwing up on the floor. Apparently, she had another hallucination. This time it was about her family's death. She says her memories are bleeding through into her hallucinations. I feel really bad for her. Even my hallucinations aren't that bad. Then again, I have my memories, and my hallucinations aren't always scary. They usually only happen when the lights flicker or there's a lot of noise. I haven't had any for awhile. They come on like a seisure when someone is epileptic. Shock hallucinations from a bad trip.

I got the chance to watch the videos, but I didn't cry. I still have a lot to go through though. Oh, about my nightmare that night. I was back in Iowa. Great, huh? You'd think so. Wednesday, Eric, Acey, Ben and I were in the middle of this huge cornfield. Nothing but corn stalks could be seen for miles. Don't ask how we got in there, dreams work in weird ways. Anyway, Wednesday was hitting a bong, and I was rolling my famous dooby. When I looked up from my masterpiece, the guys were gone. Everything was gone. The bong, the smoke. And when I looked down, the dooby was gone too. I stood up and looked out over the cornfield. It was all dissapearing from the outside in, towards me. In their place, walls were being built, and a roof. It was Valencia Academy.

That's basically what happened in reality. I woke up one day and Iowa was gone and I was in this prison.

I'm about to pass out though. Expect another nightmare written down. I like to keep track of them.

Minus the inside and minus the circle
Inhabit the riddle and fill in the hovel
Wherein and herein, between us and near us
Zero and zero is nothing but zero
Come see my cage - built-in migraine

Joey Jordison

[Joey Jordison]

Relax ... It's over. You belong to me, I fill your mouth with dirt
Relax ... It's over. You can never leave, I take your second digit with me ... love
You are ... my first. I can barely breath, I find you fascinating
You are ... my favorite. Lay you down to sleep, it's all that I can do to stop ... love
So blue ... so broken. Paper doll decays, I haven't left you yet
So cold ... subversive. Tomorrow, I will go away again ... love

Entry Five:

Long time no write. And I haven't even been too busy. I just sort of forgot I had one of these, honestly. Some stuff happened, and I was so focused on that for the longest time I didn't have the care to think about the little journal I kept in my trunk, locked away out of embarassment. But I think it's about time I pull this thing out again. It helps me cope. I can write things in here that I wouldn't be able to tell anyone. Something about a book such as this not having a mind of its own or the ability to judge makes it easier to trust than even the closest of friends. At least I know my secrets are safe, even if I really don't have too many secrets.

So, this was awhile back, but again, I wasn't able to write about it because I was just so ... I don't know. I was shocked, really. And I needed time to think about it before I was able to fully explain it on paper, and then I just forgot I was going to explain it on paper. Writing in a journal isn't my first priority. Nen and I split. I really don't know how it happened, or why. It just did. And the thing is, I wasn't upset. Just confused as to how it happened, and confused as to why I wasn't upset. I came to the conclusion a couple days ago [yes, it took that long] that the whole time we were dating, we really acted more as friends than anything. And so, I guess, we're better off that way. I need to be alone anyway. As bad as it sounds, I don't want the pressure of being expected to delve someone else into the depths of my mind. And I feel like if I'm going to have a girlfriend, she has to know anything. I don't want that. Not yet. I'm young. Although, I'm starting to believe that this is the only chance I'll get.

I've been kind of seperated from everyone for the longest time. Nen and I aren't bitter or anything, or at least, I don't think we are. But I still haven't seen much of her. Her or Ash. Did I just one day wake up and decide to be anti-social? Who knows? I don't know. Maybe I need time to myself, but I sure am spending a lot of time by myself. I've never felt so alone, but I don't even mind it. It's pretty refreshing. Don't get me wrong, I miss having people like Nen and Ash around ... it's just ... things are a lot less hectic and dramatic.

I feel like Valencia is really starting to brainwash me into being something emotionless and uncaring and robotic. I told myself over and over again that I wouldn't let him do that. That I wouldn't let myself become institutionalized. But I'm starting to forget things that I really don't want to forget. I haven't touched my guitar in weeks. I usually pick it up, if only just to clean it, once or twice a day. I just don't feel it anymore. I really hope it's just a phase I'm going through. I miss the old me.

You are mine - You will always be mine
I can tear you apart - I can recombine you
All I want is to covet you all
You belong to me
I will kill you to love you
Love

Joey Jordison