Jokes, Post them here, After all this is the coffee break

[Franz©]

Two black guys are at a bar talking, one says to the other, " you ever
notice after you have sex with a white woman that your eyes burn, your
nose burns and you get all teary-eyed?"

The second black guy says,"yeah, all the time."

The other says, "why is that?"

The second says, "I think it's the pepper spray."

[Franz©]

I was on my way to visit my money at Lowe's Home Improvement this morning to do my part to stimulate the economy.

I found myself behind this little rice burner of a car bearing a bumper sticker that read, "We did it!" - "Obama / Biden".



Well, as luck would have it she pulled along side of me at a red light about a half mile down the road. I beeped my horn and gave her a big thumbs up.

She rolled down her window, and I said, "I love your bumper sticker."



She smiled and thanked me, as I quickly added, "It's nice to see there are a few of you not ashamed to take responsibility for your mistake!"

She gave me the finger and drove off. - -

Humorless Bich.

[Franz©]

Thank God they found balloon boy in Colorado.

I was afraid Michael Jackson was ordering take-out from Heaven.

[Franz©]

MILWAUKEE—In an emergency effort to boost the dwindling number of Roman Catholic priests in the United States, the Vatican contracted with a nationwide staffing firm last week to hire thousands of temporary employees to provide liturgical services and administer holy sacraments in its American churches.

"The reduced number of active diocesan clergy has forced us to take unprecedented measures to stop parishes from closing," Pope Benedict XVI explained in a decree issued Saturday by the Vatican. "That is why, for the first time in two millennia, we're allowing pretty much anyone who is willing to show up at 9 a.m. and work for slightly more than minimum wage to act as a Vessel of Christ."

According to a statement issued by Manpower Inc., most of the part-time priest applicants are 18- to 26-year-old males with no previous clerical experience. After watching a 35-minute video on the Rite of Ordination and receiving Holy Orders during a brief phone conference, new hires are issued two sets of ecclesiastical vestments and assigned to fill a pastoral vacancy.

Randy Nelson, a recently hired temp priest at St. Joseph's Cathedral in Miami, said he was initially nervous about celebrating mass in front of a large congregation, but soon got the hang of it

"I was a little intimidated on my first day because I had no idea what I was supposed to do during communion," said Nelson, referring to the transubstantiation of the Holy Eucharist, a miracle he is expected to perform at each mass in order to transform earthly bread and wine into the Most Precious Body and Blood of Christ. "But basically I just have to pour some watered-down cabernet into the gold cup, wave my arms around, say some stuff about God, and give each person in line one of those wafer things."

"It's really not all that different from a fast food gig," Nelson added. "Except maybe the uniforms here are a bit more humiliating."

Many temp priests told reporters they were only planning to work for the Church until they could land a more serious job, and that having the name of an archdiocese on their resumé was probably better than nothing.

"This is okay for now. They need somebody to do their grunt work and I need the money," said recent college graduate Justin Willingham, explaining that the vow of celibacy is "kind of a drag" but that he rarely has sex between 9 a.m. and 5 p.m. anyway. "Plus, I make a ton in tips. The people here are super generous."

According to parishioners at the Church of the Immaculate Conception in Fayetteville, AR, their recently acquired temp is unfamiliar with many of his priestly duties and frequently takes the Lord's name in vain when he loses his place during Gospel readings.

"These things never happened when Father Tom [Whelan] was here," said Gloria Huston, 67. "In the 45 years that I've been a member of this parish I never once saw a priest sitting on the altar eating McDonald's."

Ben Rosenthal, 23, who is a newcomer to Catholicism, said the most interesting part of his job is administering the Sacrament of Penance, because while sitting in the confessional he hears "all kinds of **** you wouldn't believe."

"My friends were totally cracking up when I told them how Doug Merchant confessed to having impure thoughts about his next-door neighbor's daughter and was almost caught masturbating in the bushes outside her window," Rosenthal said. "I feel like I should probably call the cops on some of these people, but during orientation they told us we would get fired if we broke the Seal of Confession. So I just make them say a lot of Hail Marys."

While a majority of temps said they were happy just to have a job, some, like Greg Purcell, believe the priesthood is simply too demanding.

"There's no ****g way I'm working Sundays," Purcell said. "Not for what they pay."

Despite receiving numerous applications from qualified women with extensive knowledge of Church doctrine and advanced degrees in theology, the Vatican continues to oppose female ordination.

[Franz©]

Storts was sunbathing naked at the beach.

For the sake of civility, and to keep it from getting sunburned, he had a
hat over his privates.

A woman walks past and says, snickering, "If you were a gentleman you'd lift
your hat."

He raised an eyebrow and replied, "If you weren't so ugly it would lift
itself."

[Franz©]

A bald man with a wooden leg gets invited to a Halloween Party.
He doesn't know what costume to wear to hide his head and his
Leg, So he writes to a costume company to explain
his problem.

A few days later he received a parcel with the
following note:

Dear Sir,
Please find enclosed a pirate's outfit. The
spotted handkerchief will cover your bald head and, with your wooden leg,
you will be just right as a pirate.

Very truly yours,
Acme Costume Co.



The man thinks this is terrible because they have
emphasized his Wooden Leg and so he writes a letter of
complaint. A week goes by and he receives another parcel and a note, which says:

Dear Sir,
Please find enclosed a monk's costume.. The long
robe will cover your Wooden leg and, with your bald head, you should
really look the part.

Very truly yours,
Acme Costume Co.



Now the man is really upset since they have gone
from emphasizing his Wooden leg to emphasizing his bald head, so again
he writes the Company another nasty letter of complaint..

The next day he gets a small Parcel and a note,
which reads:

Dear Sir,

We have TRIED our very BEST
Please find enclosed a bottle of molasses and a
bag of crushed nuts.
Pour the molasses over your bald head, pat on
crushed nuts, stick your
Wooden Leg up your a$s and go as a caramel apple.

Very truly yours,
Acme Costume Co.

[Franz©]

An elderly senior couple were invited to an old friends home for dinner one evening. She was impressed by the way her lady friend preceded every request to her husband with endearing terms such as: Honey, My Love, Darling, Sweetheart, Pumpkin, etc.


The couple had been married almost 70 years and, clearly, they were still very much in love. While the husband was in the living room, her lady friend leaned over to her host to say, 'I think it's wonderful that, after all these years, you still call your husband all those loving pet names'.


The elderly lady hung her head. 'I have to tell you the truth,' she said, 'His name slipped my mind about 10 years ago, and I'm scared to death to ask the cranky old aszhole what his name is.

[Franz©]

A man was washed up on a beach after a terrible shipwreck. Only a sheep and a sheepdog were washed up with him. After looking around, he realized that they were stranded on a deserted island.

After being there awhile, he got into the habit of taking his two animal companions to the beach every evening to watch the sunset.

One particular evening, the sky was a fiery red with beautiful cirrus clouds, the breeze was warm and gentle - a perfect night for romance.

As they sat there, the sheep started looking better and better to the lonely man. Soon, he leaned over to the sheep and put his arm around it.

But the sheepdog, ever protective of the sheep, growled fiercely until the man took his arm from around the sheep.

After that, the three of them continued to enjoy the sunsets together, but there was no more cuddling.

A few weeks passed by and, lo and behold, there was another shipwreck.

The only survivor was Nancy Pelosi.

That evening, the man introduced Nancy to the evening beach ritual. It was another beautiful evening - red sky, cirrus clouds, a warm and gentle breeze - perfect for a night of romance. Pretty soon, the man started to get 'those feelings' again.

He fought the urges as long as he could but he finally gave in and leaned over to Nancy and told her he hadn't had sex for months. Nancy batted her eyelashes and asked if there was anything she could do for him.

He said, 'Would you mind taking the dog for a walk?

[Kawboy]

This is great way to relax as seen at home depot. I've seen Cal Trans workers using them.

Attached Image (Click thumbnail to expand)

[Franz©]

The Italian Secret of a Long Marriage

At Saint Mary's Catholic Church in South Philly they have a weekly husband's only
marriage seminar. At the session last week, the Priest asked Luigi, who
was approaching his 50th wedding anniversary, to take a few minutes and
share some insight into how he had managed to stay married to the same
woman all these years.

Luigi replied to the assembled husbands, "Wella, I've a-tried to treat-a
her nizza, spenda money on her, but besta of all is that I tooka her to Italy for the 20th anniversary!"

The Priest responded "Luigi, you are an amazing inspiration to all the husbands here! Please tell us what you are planning for your wife for your 50th Anniversary."


Luigi proudly replied, "I'm agonna go get her."

[Franz©]

A young man was planning to get married and asked his doctor how he
could tell if his bride is a virgin.

The doctor said, 'Well, you need three things. A can of red paint, a
can of blue paint and a shovel..'

The man was astonished and asked, 'So what do I do with these?'

The doctor replied, 'Before the wedding night, you paint your one
ball red and the other ball blue.

If she says, 'That's the strangest pair of balls I ever saw', you
hit her over the head with the shovel.'.... .