Ramblings of the Condemned, Tsuki

[Tsuki]

Entry 1:

Sometimes I ask myself if I've gone crazy. And I can never seem to answer that question. Why might I question my sanity? Simple: I don't exist.

Ah, now this is where it gets interesting. Why don't I exist, if I'm writing this? Well, I physically exist, but there are no records of me anywhere. As far records of people go, I'm not real. But that's not surprising. Tsuki isn't who I used to be. Tsuki is who I've become. Who we've become. There are two of us here, one dead, the other nonexistant.

Who was I back then, back when I didn't question my own sanity? Back then, I was a tech goddes, a 16-year-old girl that had no fear. That lead to my downfall. Stupid, really. I lived in a bad part of town, where gangs fought and such all the time. I had the bright idea to walk home from Tech Club at my school one night, all by myself. Right down a dark alley. Pure genius, right?

That's when things got bad. Three men in red outfits jumped me. I recognized the clothing as marking them as members of the local drug gang, Crimson Sector. I tried to fight them off, but they were, of course, armed with knives and guns. Needless to say, I didn't stand a chance. They beat me, and left me for dead in the river that ran by the town. I was in bad shape. I was found the next day, but they thought I was dead. See, these guys tried to do more than just kill me with guns, knives, and their bare hands. They tried to drug me. The result of various combinations that they gave me was that my pulse was almost undetectable, and my breathing was almost stopped. I was lucky to survive. I don't even know how I lived through that. The group of guys that found me had the bright idea to get rid of the 'dead body' they thought I was by sticking me on an inflateable raft, and letting the currend in the river just take me away. I don't know how long I was out of it, but when I came to, I was in the hospital a few towns over. It was all over the news. A girl from a local town was brutally murdered, and the body was never found. The killers weren't found, either. I would have told them who I was, but being dead had possiblities. So I took the name of Tsuki, and recovered. I'm in Japan now, following the trail of the jerks that ruined my life.

But who was I back then? I was named Kari. Kari Light.

I keep a picture of my old self in my pocket. And sometimes, Kari still talks to me. We are two different people. That experiance has forced me to become a totally different person than who I was. Kari and Tsuki... Two different sides of the same person... Both are one, yet both are separate...

And people wonder why I question my sanity.

Sometimes, I think that my art and writing is the only way that I can keep myself sane. If I'm sane now, anyway... That's why I'm writing all this down. To tell my story when I'm gone. I'm killing myself here... Kari and Tsuki... We have such different personalities, we can't coexist much longer. I'm afraid that I'll finally kill myself keeping this secret... But untill I get revenge on those who did this to me, Kari can't rest in peace. I can't move on untill I find them, and pay them back... I don't know how much longer I have, before these two sides of me finally kill me. But I plan to record as much time as I have left in the journal, so that somebody might eventually find out what happened to me. I just hope that nobody finds this before... I finish my work.

-Tsuki/Kari Light

[Tsuki]

Enty 2

I've noticed pysical changes that are going on with my body. I don't know why. My eyes have changed color, as has my hair. I don't know what's going on, but I'm sure if I find the men that killed Kari, then I'll find the answers. I still don't even know what all they gave me that night. The hospital didn't detect any drugs in my system, so the combination of whatever they gave me must have cancelled out the detection of each individally. I'm worried now. I've found myself becoming more violent, more prone to hurting others. I don't know what's going on with me, but I don't like it.

-Tsuki/Kari Light

[Tsuki]

Entry #3

I'm scared. I don't know what's happening to me. I'm changing. I find myself having a much harder time controlling my temper. I'm afraid I'll hurt someone, namely myself.

I always did react to drugs differently than most people. The doctors always had a hard time figuring out what to give me when I was sick, because they never knew how it would affect me. And if stable, legal, over-the-counter and/or perscriptioin drugs caused a strange reaction with me, is it really any surprise that an unstable mix of illegal street drugs is causing a strange reaction with me? I think that's what's behind my changes. The physical, the mental, the emotional... I just want to find out what they mixed and gave me, so I might find a way to reverse it... I really don't know, though. I just hope that I CAN reverse these changes. I don't like them. I'm afraid of them. I'd hate for somebody to get hurt because I can't control these changes. I'm really scared.

I-I just don't know what to do anymore. I'm afraid and angry and worried and... I just don't know anymore. I'm jumpy, and I really just... I just... Don't know who or even what I am anymore... God, I hope I find help soon. I just don't think that I can take the mental strain much longer.


Maybe... There's something about that kid Conan... Maybe I can talk to him. He seems to understand my problems. I just hope that I can get him alone. He may be a kid, but he has experianced things that have changed him. I can tell. He just seems to have an aura about him that speaks of difficult times come and gone, and of many more that lie ahead. I hope that I can talk to him. Maybe, he can help me find something that I've wanted ever since that incedent, a year-and-a-half ago. Peace of mind.

-Tsuki

[Tsuki]

Entry #4

Hmmm... That Conan kid... I just can't place my finger on it, but there is deffinitly someting different about him. And Rin too. I think she has problems too, but, like me, she doesn't want to talk about them openly. I've found myself dropping hints, without even realizing it... I'm worried that my secret will slip sooner or later, and that I'll be found out. I don't want anybody to know who I really am. I'm worried that they might learn my true identity, and I won't be able to finish what I started.

I really hope that I can find a way to fix this whole situation. Otherwise, I think that I might be condemned to a life of torture, knowing things that I shouldn't know, and not having any control over anything anymore. I'm starting school tomorrow, and I hope that that helps to keep my mind off this stuff. But I don't know what to do anymore. I'm really afraid now.

-Tsuki

[Tsuki]

Entry #5


I don't know what's wrong with me. I've started to have strange mood swings. One moment, I'm all calm, then the next, I'm going berserk at the slightest thing. And I have memory lapses. I don't remember things that I should, and I'm getting scared. And sometimes, I just wake up feeling like crap for no reason. About a week ago, it happened for the fist time. I woke up in my room, and everything, just like normal, but... I had no memory of the last 24 hours, and I was feeling really bad. I mean bad like I've never felt before. I was sore all over, and I don't know why. It felt like I'd fallen from a two-story building onto solid rock... I couldn't even move, and I could barely breathe... I was like that for about six hours. By then, it finally started to fade. I decided to look into what had happened. But, what I found out scared me even more. One of the other kids in my neighborhood told me about it. I was sitting on the roof of my favorite building, like I do everyday, but something was wrong. Apparnetly, I didn't respond to anything, and my eyes were unable to focus on anything at all. I don't know why. But he said that when people tried to get my attention, seeing as I looked like I wasn't feeling well, I kinda fell off the building! I didn't break anything at all, which was sheer dumb luck, but I can't figure out why I didn't remember any of this. I wonder... Could it have something to do with the other strange things that have been happening to me lately? Maybe this is connected to the physical, mental, and emotional changes that I've been going through. Well, anyhow, I just hope that never happens again. But, I'm worried. I can't remember anything that happened two days ago. I'm getting scared. These memory lapses are very very bad. I just don't know what's going on with me anymore...

-Tsuki

[Tsuki]

Entry #6


They say that some habbits are harder to break than others. Well, I think that some habbits are just impossible to break. I don't know how much longer I can resist the allure of evading the system defences, bypassing the most sophistaced security systems, entering places where none are allowed to tread... I have to return to my other life, soon. I can't stay away much longer. It's going to help me go insane so much faster if I try much longer. I have to return to being Hackercat. I have to hack something. I just have to. Oh, I never really take anything, or mess with anything, but I just love the thrill of knowing that I've done something that people think I can't do. Nobody would suspect me of being a genius hacker. I just can't stand it. Tonight. I'll hack again tonight.

-Tsuki/Hackercat

[Tsuki]

Entry #7


Ahhh... What a wonderful feeling... I'd forgotten what it felt like to know that people were waiting to find out what my every move would be... I saw the paper this morning. There was an article about me. Well, about Hackercat, anyway. I know that many people think that hacking is bad, but there are two different types of hackers. The good and the bad. I'm the good kind. I hack companies, then tell them how to improve their security. But, I should go now. I don't want anybody to find this, so I should find a better hiding spot now. I know. I'll keep it with me. That way, nobody will be able to get at it without my knowing. I hope.

-Hackercat

[Tsuki]

Entry #8


Well, life's just plain boring lately. Nothing to do, and not a trace of those men I'm looking for. I've been thinking, though. Maybe it's about time to go to the law enforcement officials, aka the police, for some help in this matter... Then again, I don't want them to know that I'm looking for them... Hrmm... This is very hard to figure out. I don't really know what to do about this anymore. Maybe I should get some help with this... But, the first person that I'd bother to tell would be Rin, or Conan, they are both so nice, and seem to have problems they can't talk about as well. I just don't know anymore. I'll see what I can do first, though, before acting. I'm outta here for now.

-Tsuki

[Tsuki]

Entry #9


Ugh. I'm not feeling well right now. My head feels like it's gonna explode... On top of that, I just feel sore all over, and I've got a fever... It just came on all of a sudden... Something is really wrong with me, but I don't know what... And worst of all... The memory lapses have started again... I don't rembember the last three hours at all... I don't know what to do...

-Tsuki

[Tsuki]

Entry #10


Okay, if I thought that thigns couldn't get ANY worse, I was wrong. I passed out about three hours ago for no reason... What the heck is wrong with me?

-Tsuki

[Tsuki]

Entry # 11


I don't know how I know this, but I do. What I know is this: I have less than two months to live. Something inside me just tells me this. I have about one and a half months left to live, unless something drastic happens that cures me. I don't think so, so I'm going to finally go to the police. I want to see that man behind bars before I die. I may not have much time left, but I can still make the most of it. Conan, Satou, and Rin are great people. I shoud do something for them. And the rest of HackerClan. I just don't know what yet.

-Tsuki

[Tsuki]

Entry #12



I've pretty much lost all hope of living more than a month and a half at this point, but I don't need to talk about that. I think I'll offer to help Rin, Conan, and Satou with whatever they do, just to try and repay them for the kindness they have shown me in the day that I have known them. Mayhaps I can draw them something, write them something, what, though, I don't know. I think, though, that I will begin to write down my more intimite thoughts and feelings, so that others will know what is going through my mind in these last weeks that I have to live. Here goes:




--To whomever is reading this:

I am writing my deepest emotions here, so that others will know what I am going through in my final weeks. I am not truely scared, but more sad that there is next to no hope for me. I don't cling to the sliver of a chance that I will survive, as it is such a small chance, but if I do, I don't know what I'll do. I'm planning on doing everything that I can to help others, but... I don't know. I feel more of a reliefe to know the end is coming so soon. I mean, it will mean the end of my suffering and all. I just regret that I haven't done anything significant with my life. I don't even truely care about seeing that man behind bars anymore. I just want to do something with the time that I have left. I don't know exactly how long that is, but it can't be long enough to do much. I'll write something for the only people that I've ever met that have treated me like a friend. Conan. Satou. Rin. The Hackerclan. I'd say I'll miss them, but who knows what death is like? Perhaps it is a dreamless sleep, from which there is not waking. Perhaps there is a heaven and a hell. If so, I don't know where I'd end up. Perhaps it is a paradise, or perhaps simple oblivion. Maybe those who die are reborn, or perhaps it is simply endless darkness. I do not know, but I am not afriad to find out. I do believe that...--

::The writing on the page stops abruptly, and below it blood is splattered over the paper. There is no more writing on the page.::--






((OOC: To whomever might be reading this stupid topic of mine, please note that I have no intention of letting Tsuki die. Just FYI.))

[Tsuki]

Entry #13


I'm... Shocked, to say the least. I was told that within a fortnight, I'd most likely be back to how I was before this whole incident. I hope so. I have so many things that I want to do... But mostly, I'm looking forwards to school. I don't know why, I just am. I guess it's because I love learning new things. Though, I'm quite pleased with the news, I really don't know how to react. I just hope that I can still get that jerk behind bars, so he doesn't have the chance to take anymore lives away from people. I really hope so. But, I'm exhausted now, so I must rest. Well, I hope everything works out. I still want to have a chat with that Conan kid, and Rin. Well, I'm happier now than I have been in a long time. More later.

-Tsuki



((OOC: YES! POST # 200!!! w00t!!!))

[Tsuki]

Entry #14

The only thing I'm not sure about with my having a good chance to be cured is what to do. I can't go back to being Kari. I've seen and done things that Kari wouldn't. I'm not Kari anymore. I suppose I'll remain Tsuki. Then again, I don't know. I just know that I can't go back to being Kari. Hopefully, though, I'll find peace of mind when I'm better. I hope Kari can be at peace.


-Tsuki

[Tsuki]

Entry #15

Kari is gone. She is at peace now. I'm just Tsuki now. The three criminals were caught, and I've been cured. I'm so happy. I can't write more now, I'm too happy to hold the pen properly. I'll write more later. If I can find words to describe my joy, that is. ::a large, happy face is drawn here::

-Tsuki