No Second Chance, Dummy Film Script

[Jake]

No Second Chance: A film that will never be made.

Cast:

Steven Segal: Admin Officer Viper McCreadie
Dennis Hopper: Mr Robb
Steven Jackson as himself
Ian Courtenay as himself.
Peter O'Toole as Tempus Nino

(Ext. shot of bus travelling through Glasgow. VIPER sits reading the Metro. Bus if filled with school children.)

VIPER: (narrating) It was an ordinary day. I was just about to start my new job in Rutherglen Job centre when…)

(Ext shot. Bus pulls into Prospecthill Circus. We see heads bobbing through the windows of an empty block of flats. Suddenly an egg is thrown at the bus. We follow its trajectory, Matrix style, as is flies through the window and hits the driver right in his eyes)

Driver: Arrgh! I’m blind!

(The bus swerves all over the road. The schoolchildren scream. Much hand held camera of people panicking. VIPER throws his paper away and stands up)

VIPER: Ned attack! Don’t worry folks.

(He strides to the front of the bus and pulls the driver out of his cabin, who then rolls around the floor clawing at his yolk covered eyes. VIPER sits down and steers the bus back onto the road.)

VIPER: (talking to bus) Work with me baby.

(Neds attack the bus with bricks and stones, some driving alongside on choppers. One jumps from a lamppost onto the roof.)

VIPER: Hey! You haven’t got a ticket!

(Steering with his foot, VIPER climbs out of the window and karate chops the legs of the ned, who falls off the roof onto the road. Other neds on BMXs hack at the bus’s tires with broken bottles. The tires burst and the bus flies off the road, bashing burned out cars and trolleys out of the way)

VIPER: Gonna have to make an emergency stop.

(VIPER steers the bus towards an enormous block of flats and drives straight into it. The entire building explodes in a very expensive special effects shot. As the smoke clears VIPER gets out of the bus and crouches next to the terribly injured bus driver)

VIPER: Looks like you'll have to get a taxi. Don't ya just hate Mondays?

DRIVER: Urgh...he-hel-help me...hospital...

VIPER: No, don't thank me. Just doing my job.

(VIPER gets up and walks away. We see a montage of shops with him walking the landscape, passing shops and playgrounds and flats, until, finally, we see the jobcentre sitting on the hill. Rain batters it's roof and we have several quick shots of barbed wire, broken windows and garbage blowing down the street)

VIPER: Nice place.

(CUE TITLES)
(VIPER and Manager are walking through the office in a long panning shot)

VIPER: (Narrating) It was the usual kind of place. The boss was telling me how it worked. I knew how it worked. I zoned him out and took in the ambience.

(They reach front line where Steven and Ian are sitting.)

Manager: These are the colleagues you’ll be working with; Steven and Ian.

Ian: Working is too strong a word (Goes back to looking at the internet)

Steven: I’m hungover.

Manager: Hahaha that’s great. Well Mr Viper, you’d better get started.

(Exit Manager)

VIPER: So where do I sit?

Ian: I dunno.

Steven: Anyway it’s your turn to open the doors.

VIPER: When was that decided?

Ian: Well we did it last week

VIPER: I wasn’t here last week!

Ian: Exactly. Here’s the keys.

(VIPER storms off to open the door. Ian and Steven chuckle to each other. VIPER looks outside and sees a queue a mile long outside.VIPER unlocks the doors and everyone troops in, moaning. This scene is played out as if the customers are zombies)

VIPER: Well that’s the doors open…

(Ian and Steven are standing up, walking away)

Steven: We’re on our tea.

(VIPER sits down and looks at the queue. We follow it as it stretches all the way out of the doors of the jobcentre, down the street, by the shops, by the wreckage of the bus all the way through a park, where people are joining it still)

(VIPER looks up the office. Most of the desks are empty. At another STAFF MEMBER#1 is reading Chat magazine. Another is playing solataire on the computer. VIPER looks back at the queue)


VIPER: Err can I help you?

(The customers rush the desk, all asking for giros. VIPER tries his best to fend them off. Several close up shots of customers screaming to camera. Cut to Manager's office, who is standing watching the chaos with SUPERVISOR)

Supervisor: Is that the new guy?

Manager: Yes. Transfer from Afghanistan Jobcentre. Real hard case I hear.

Supervisor: Trouble?

Manager: So I've been told. Doesn't apply for leave, takes full teabreaks, never wears his badge. Could go against the grain.

Supervisor: I'll keep an eye on him

Manager: You'll need to. I heard back in Afghanistan he never signed his annual report. That's the sign of a subversive.

Supervisor: He won't last here.

Manager: Well, let's see how he copes with our clientele.

(Supervisor leans back in his ornate chair and lights a cigar. Manager pours himself a brandy and leans back on a couch where a Thaiwanese woman starts giving him a massage)

Supervisor: Sorry to spoil things for you, but Tempus Nino is visiting today.

(Manager spits out his brandy)

Manager: What?

Supervisor: Office visit. You know he’s after your job, don’t you?

(Manager is lowering himself into a Jacuzzi)

Manager: Why? This place is a hellhole!

Supervisor: Well you know what he’ll be up to. Sniffing around for signs of incompetence. Checking paperwork. The usual.

(Manager is eating a lobster)

Manager: Better get this place ship-shape. Get that new guy to do it. Cobra or whatever his name is.

(Outside in the office everything is bedlam. Paperwork lies everywhere. Customer lounge on chairs drinking or roll about the floor fighting. Neds draw graffiti on the walls and children are playing football in the middle of the building. VIPER does his best to help everyone. There’s no sign of Ian or Steven. VIPER looks at the clock. It says 9.10.)

VIPER: Where are they?

(Time passes. VIPER looks at the clock again. It now says 12.30)

(Enter Steven and Ian)

Ian: Well, we’re back.

Steven: Ooh, I need a shit. Back soon.

(Exit Steven)

VIPER: How can you cope in here?

(Ian points at his eyes)

Ian: When you start out in here, you’re innocent, fresh. You think there’s hope in the world and a happy ending for everyone. But the years go by, the reports fly in and the bosses change the goalposts every five minutes. You realise that there’s no light at the end of the tunnel and that no one knows what they are doing. You look out for yourself here. No one else. Then one day you wake up and you have this stare. The stare of a jobcentre veteran. That stare, boy, sees every customer as the same, every day a repeat of the one before it. You gorra look after yourself kid cos there’s no second chance when it comes to this place.

(IRATE CUSTOMER jumps on VIPER’s desk)

IRATE CUSTOMER: Ah want my giro!

VIPER: There’s a queue!

(VIPER stands up and does a roundhouse kick to the customer’s head, who flies off into the crowd. Immediately VIPER is attacked by dozens of NEDS. He turns to Ian for help)

VIPER: Help me!

Ian: Give me a minute. This stapler is jammed.

(VIPER karates chops neds here and there, taking on five at a time. Baseball caps fly through the air. He throws one through a window and another over a desk. A small granny approaches)

Granny: I wonder if you could help me –

(VIPER jabs her in the throat and kicks her in the midriff. She flies through the doors of the jobcentre just as Mister Robb enters)

Mister Robb: Wasters. Clowns.

(He approaches a jobpoint oblivious to the battle taking place. Bodies fly by him as he hammers the screen of the jobpoint.)

Mister Robb: This machine isn’t working!

Ian: Try the one next to it.

(Mister Robb does, then goes back to the original machine)

Mister Robb: This machine isn’t working!

(VIPER is finishing off the last of the neds. The entire office is littered with unconscious neds. Mister Robb approaches and gestures to the inert bodies)

Mister Robb: Look at these wasters. To lazy to even get up off the floor. You won’t catch me doing that.

Enter Manager)

Manager: Look at the state of this place! You! Viper!

VIPER: What?

Manager: You’ve been here five minutes and you’ve completely wrecked the place. And look at the state of your shirt!

(VIPER’s shirt is ripped)

Manager: Clean yourself up and get these customers out of here! We’ve got an important visitor coming, so look sharp!

(Thaiwanese woman appears and drapes manager in a kimono. Exit both of them)

(VIPER starts picking up neds and tossing them out on the street. Mister Robb approaches)

Mister Robb: I’m looking for work. They are not looking for work. Every day I come in here looking for work and knocking my pan in.

VIPER: I’m kind of busy at the moment and –

Mister Robb: There’s never a short cut, always the long way. Every day. I want a job shovelling metal into bogies. Knocking my pan in.

VIPER: Look I’m –

Mister Robb: And my neighbour says he can’t work. On that infidelity benefit. I’ve seen him. Says he has a sore back. I’ve seen him pulling trucks along our street with his teeth. Sore back he says. Can bend an iron girder with his arms. Sore back. And here’s me knocking my pan in.

VIPER: Would you stop talking –

Mister Robb: And these people. Clowns. Dooleys. Look at that one.

(Mister Robb points at a man talking to Ian)

Man: I’ve started work.

Ian: Good. See ya.

Mister Robb: You see? Not looking for work at all. And here’s me – got to keep going, looking all the time.

VIPER: Look I’m really busy at the moment.

(Front doors bust open and Tempus Nino enters, followed by civil servants wearing long hooded cloaks. He steps over the body of a ned and looks around)

Tempus: Tut tut. Look at the state of this place. You just can’t find the management these days.

(Tempus turns to VIPER)

Tempus: You there. Take me to the manager.

VIPER leads Tempus through the office. The hooded civil servants follow, some of them with incense balls, and another periodically hitting a bell. Mister Robb looks at them and tuts)

Mister Robb: Not looking for work.

(He sits in front of Ian)

Mister Robb: Can I have a pen please?

(Ian gives him a pen)

Mister Robb: Can I have a piece of paper please?

(Ian gives him a piece of paper)

Mister Robb: And an envelope.

(Ian obliges)

Mister Robb: And a glass of water.

(Ian does so)

(Mister Robb starts writing a letter)

Mister Robb: (Narrating) Dear Head of the Council. I am writing to complain about the community centre at the end of my street. If I open my window and lean out of the window and stretch a bit I can just see it’s front entrance. The people going into this place depress me. Do you know what it’s like to be unemployed? You’ve got a job. I haven’t got a job. It’s bad enough knocking your pan in every day without having to look at ethnic minorities, children and people in wheelchairs. Please close this community centre now.
Yours Sincerely,
Mr Robb

(He carefully puts the letter in the envelope and hands it to Ian)

Mister Robb: Could you post this for me?

Ian: Of course

(Ian throws letter in the bin)


(Cut to Mangager’s office. VIPER, Manager, Supervisor, Tempus and hooded civil servants in attendance.)

Tempus: I see you’re working hard as usual Mr…

(Tempus turns to VIPER)

Tempus: Get back to work.

(Exit VIPER)

Tempus: Let’s talk business. You know I don’t like you being in charge here so let’s see what kind of mess you’ve made of things.

Manager: (reclining in bubble bath). Do your worst.

Tempus: Performance during stats period?

Manager: Up 6 percent.

Tempus: Attendance Management?

Manager: Down 12 percent last quarter.

Tempus: Annual Leave?

Manager: Charted

Tempus: Agreed objectives?

Manager: Met by all staff

Tempus: Annual reports?

Manager: Booked for week commencing the ninth.

Tempus: Rollout?

Manager: Phase one complete.

Tempus: So far so good, but you know that meeting districts targets is only the tip of the iceberg. Office inspection!

Hooded Civil Servants: Office Inspection! Office Inspection!

(They all rush out of the room with measuring tape and dusters, checking every nook and cranny for signs of bad management. Tempus finds some graffiti that says ‘Fuk of Broo’)

Tempus: This is ghastly. What’s the meaning of this.

(Supervisor points to VIPER)

Supervisor: He was the one who should be in charge!

VIPER: I just started here!

Supervisor (Looking smug): Yeah, but I delegated.

Hooded Civil Servants: Delegate! Delegate!

(Tempus clutches his chest in shock)

Tempus: Delegation. I hate that word

(He turns to Supervisor)

Tempus: Next time you won’t be so lucky. I’ll be watching you and your catatonic boss.

(He turns to VIPER)

Tempus: And you boy need to learn discipline. (He fingers VIPER’s lapel). And I’m willing to teach you.

VIPER: I don’t have any training windows open.

(Tempus leaves. Enter Steven)

Steven: That was some shite. Oh look it’s time to go home

(End scene)

(Cut to bar. VIPER is sitting in a corner drinking.)

VIPER: (Narrating) It had been a hard day. They certainly knew how to push a man to the brink. I had to toughen up or be eaten alive by the civil service.

(Bar doors opens, enter Skinny Chick. Screen pauses and the phrase ‘LOVE INTEREST’ is displayed in giant green letters. Sexy music starts.)

Skinny Chick: (to barman) Guiness on the rocks

Barman: Do you want ice with that?

Skinny Chick: Err…yes.

(VIPER goes to the bar)

VIPER: Bicardi and Tennants please.

Skinny Chick: Excuse me, but I was being served first.

VIPER: Sure thing baby. What are you doing in a dive like this?

Skinny Chick: Smooth talker I’m sure. Is this not a gay bar anyway?

VIPER: Err…I don’t think so.

(Barman brings the drinks.)

VIPER: I’ll get these.

Skinny Chick: How nice. If I wasn’t high on anti-depressants I’d say you were hitting on me. Say, what do you do for a living. Steelworker? Army man?

VIPER: I work in a jobcentre.

Skinny Chick: Well if that’s what you like doing then that’s fine with me.

VIPER: Actually I don’t like –

Skinny Chick: No need to be embarrassed by it. I’m thinking of becoming unemployed soon, just for a laugh. Can I come and see you?

VIPER: You sure can babe.

Skinny Chick: Maybe I’ll see you some time.

(Skinny Chick downs her drink in one go, leaves the bar, and gets on her motorbike. VIPER watches her go)

VIPER (to barman): Who was that Chick?

Barman: Her name’s Skinny. She’s just some Chick who comes in here to watch the racing from time to time. I guess the bookies being next door is quite handy.

(Close up of VIPER thinking deeply. End Scene.)

(Cut to large Transylvanian Castle in some mountains. Caption reads: ‘Jobcentre District Office)

(P.O.V shot of camera tracking through corridors of district office. We pass hooded civil servants dragging massive trolleys full of paperwork, others climb ladders in labyrinthine filing rooms. We pass a sign saying: Jobcentre – Promoting the paperless office by 2045.)

(Tempus and Asshole McGraw are standing in a queue. Sign above them reads ‘Lick the bosses arse – Q this side)

Tempus: A simply ghastly task I must say.

Asshole: Indeed sir, but it has to be done. I remember an old colleague of mine didn’t lick the bosses arse and the next thing he knew he was back facing the…(gags)…public again.

Tempus: Egads! Won’t happen to me McGraw my dear boy. Anyway, the queue is rather long today. Perhaps his chuff shall be rather spick and span by the time we get there.

(They move along a bit. In the background we can hear someone spewing up)

Tempus: Or rather not.

McGraw: Anyway I hear you’re out trying to snag a certain jobcentre. Wouldn’t that be right?

(Tempus scoffs)

Tempus: No secrets in this line of work, eh? Yes I’ve been after Rutherglen for quite some time now. And it will be mine, you mark my words.

McGraw: Can I ask why?

Tempus: Well I’m not one to let my secrets out too easily, but now you ask I’m planning to breed a Ned army to storm district office and Rutherglen has some fine Ned spawning grounds that I can use.

McGraw: I see…

(They shuffle along a bit)

McGraw: But how to you plan to steal it from the manager?

Tempus (laughing): I have people already working on it.

(They reach the end of the queue. Two hooded monks stand before them.)

Tempus: You go first, McGraw.

(McGraw walks off-screen)

McGraw: Oh no he’s had curry! NOOOO!!!! (retching noises) Mercy!

(back at the jobcentre. Customers mill about. Mister Robb sits in a corner, drawing a picture of VIPER, who sits and stares out of the window, very depressed)

VIPER: (Narrating…) Dear Granny
Somebody once wrote Hell is the impossibility of
Reason. That's what the jobcentre place feels like. I hate
it already and it's only been a week. Some goddamn
week, grandma ...
(looks at hands covered in papercuts and stained with ink)
... the hardest thing I think I've ever done is to give out personal issue giros, 3 times this week - I don't even know what
I'm doing. A ned could be standing 3 feet in front
of me and I wouldn't know it, I'm so tired. We get
up at 5 a.m., sign people on all day, have tea around 4 or 5 p.m.,
file stuff, smoke, then put on all-night jobfairs or
a 3-man open day in the community. It's scary
cause nobody tells me how to do anything cause I'm
new and nobody cares about the new guys, they don't
even want to know your name. The unwritten rule is a
new guy's annual leave isn't worth as much cause he hasn't
put his time in yet - and they say if you're gonna
get sacked in the jobcentre it's better to get it in the
first few weeks, the logic being: you don't suffer
that much. I can believe that ... If you're lucky
you get to stay in the storeroom at night and then
you pull a 3-hour tea break cover, so maybe you sleep 3-4
hours a night, but you don't really sleep ... I don't
think I can keep this up for a year, grandma - I
think I've made a big mistake coming here ...

(Manager emerges from office on a throne carried by several tribesman of a recently discovered Amazonian tribe)

Manager: Annual report time! Viper you're first - you have five minutes to prepare your reports.

Viper: (Shaken from thoughts) What?

Manager: Annual report - e-mail notification was sent last week. Not my fault if you don't read your e-mails.

Viper: I dont have a computer! You gave me this!

(Points at cardboard box sitting on his desk. Written on it in ink is 'Job Senter Compooter Sistem')

Manager: No excuse. C'mon!

(Manager goes back inside office)

Ian: It's all a joke anyway Viper, just go in and get it over with.

Viper wanders into Manager's office.

Manager: Haven't you prepared?

VIPER: no...

Manager: Well you can tell me verbally what you've done to contribute to the office. COME ON THEN!

VIPER: (dramatically, with camera slowly closing in on his face as stirring music swells) Well, I have gotted 700 people into work, some of them with major health problems and debt issues, also I rearranged our entrie signing system so that not one single person can sign late or early, managed our budget, thought up a whole new system for people to be served in, and unblocked the 'horror' cubicle in the woman's toilets...I've have 45 written compliments and 17 boxes of choclates given to me as presents by customers, and ever Mister Robb kind of sort of likes me on his good days.

Manager: What evidence do you have?

VIPER: None

Manager: Well none of that counts towards your report. Get out. Send Miss Lickspittle in.

(VIPER stumbles out crying. Lickspittle comes in carrying a 300 page portfolio of the work she has done that year)

(VIPER goes back to his desk and slumps into his chair)

Steven: As good as that eh? Well here comes someone to cheer you up.

(Mister Robb sits down in front of VIPER.)

Mister Robb: One time they sent me to this training course over at The Wise Group over at Shields Road that's the road near West Street where the subway is although there's a subway at Shields Road too so you can really get any subway to one of the stops and it only takes about five minutes to walk from the subway, any subway to the Wise Group where this training course was but in saying that even though it cost a pound on the subway they paid you back at the end of the week so say you bought a week ticket off of the subway then you put your reciepts in the Wise Group at the end of the week and they gave you money back cos really you need the money when you're not signing on because you've got to watch the pennies anyway at the Wise Group, the one on Shields road and not the one over on high street that does the computer stuff I was doing to the warehouse stuff used to do that in work I built pallets - four, four and four - then back the way, just like that -four, four and four - then back the way. At the training course at lunchtime menu was brilliant you had pie, chips and beans - a pound. Mince and tatties - a pound. Pie, tatties and peas - a pound - brilliant. Everything a pound but not a real pound (Mister Robb's voice starts becoming distant) but a token that was a pound only you couldn't spend it anywhere but the training course because it was a token and not real money

(Viper slumps off his chair and falls to the ground)

(Viper is in a dream world, a vast jobcentre spanning the horizon. All is angelic and heavenly and every customer is a smiling Mister Robb. Mister Robbs dance around a maypole in the middle of the office. Others cluster around VIPER as he walks and sprinkle flowers at his feet.)

AngelicMisterRobb: Welcome, chosen one

VIPER: Chosen one?

AngelicMisterRobb: Yes. You are the one chosen to save Rutherglen Jobcentre from the clutches of an evil tyrant.

VIPER: The manager?

AngelicMisterRobb: Worse than that. A great danger is approaching Mister Viper sir. You must stop it. Now return.

(AngelicMisterRobb sprinkles jobdust over VIPER’s head and he wakes up on the floor of the jobcentre. The real Mister Robb is still droning on.)

Mister Robb: and the ivy out the back garden was given to me by a cousin not a relation mind you but a friend my cousin, and the council said they were going to fix it but they didn’t They also said they were going to fix the gutters but they didn’t do that until I phoned them and even then the only one in my close that’s me that answered the door was me. Like those binmen that buzz up and say ‘let me in’ and I say ‘haw wait a minute manners cost nothing’ and my house is the one with the green door and my neighbour is on the sick with a bad back but I know he’s a trapeze artist in the circus and –

Skinny Chick: Hi there. Remember me?

(Mister Robb tuts, gets up, and sits down in the waiting area. After ten seconds he changes chairs for no particular reason)

VIPER: I sure do. Coming in here to find out what this ‘Unemployment’ thing is all about, eh?

Skinny Chick: Well, I hear good things, so I’d thought I’d try it myself. Mind if I…take a seat?

VIPER: No go ahead.

(Caption: MEANWHILE – IN THE MANAGER’s ROOM)

Manager: So tell me what you’ve done this year.


Lickspittle: (reading from enormous portfolio) Customer came in at 2.32p of the m on Monday 26th July 2005. Required pen. I gave him the pen which the allowed him to complete form to go for job, therefore satisfying the objectives of helping customers.

Manager: Good good. Continue.

Lickspittle: Was approaching front door 13th of May when customer arrived. I held the door open therefore saving wear and tear on jobseeker ensuring that she would remain fit for work, therefore satisfying the helping customers bit of my report thingy.

Manager: Good good. Continue.

(Lickspittle looks cautiously at her watch and glances outside, then goes back to reading)

Lickspittle: On the Friday last week a chair was exactly four inches too far back from a fellow workers desk, I adjusted the chair’s position –

(Cut to office again. VIPER is handing Skinny Chick a giro cheque.)

VIPER: There you, everything sorted out. Here’s your benefit: £750 quid. Now you can go home and watch shit on the television every day of the week.

Skinny Chick: Hey that’s great. Say…do you want to go out for a drink some time?

(VIPER is about to answer when the front door bursts open and Tempus walks in with his usual entourage)

Tempus: This job centre is mine!

VIPER: But the boss is still here

(Tempus drapes himself over VIPER’s desk)

Tempus: Oh I think you’ll find he’ll be preoccupied for some time. Minions!

(Hooded civil servants rush around removing jobcentre signs and computers, putting up signs saying NED PROCESSING CENTRE)


VIPER: You can’t do this! The people need giros!

Tempus: The people can get jobs – working for me – making neds. Is anyone going to try and stop me?

(Tempus looks at Ian, who shrugs and points at screen. He’s currently on E-bay)

(Tempus looks Steven, who has been replaced by a cardboard cut out)

(Tempus looks at Viper. POV camera shot of VIPER as he throws a punch at Tempus, who falls back spitting teeth)

Tempus: Get him!

(Hooded Civil Servants rush VIPER, brandishing folders and pens and ‘received by hand’ stamps. General kung-fu mayhem ensues)

Tempus: Kill him and have your reports completed by closing time today.

(Workmen run in and start building NED machines)

(VIPER fights off a few hooded civil servants, some of whom stop to complete in forms)

Hoodedservant1: Right so I’m suppose to punch him in the face once…

Hoodedservant2: I think you hit him twice. Better just put one down so it fits the stats.

(VIPER bangs their heads together, grabs Skinny Chick, and runs for the door)

(Caption: MEANWHILE – In the manager’s office)

Lickspittle: Saved three minutes of tea break by underboiling egg, therefore ensuring that I was back at my desk no less than forty-five minutes after my teabreak ended.

(Supervisor bursts in)

Supervisor: Boss! Tempus is taking over the jobcentre – he AAAARgghhhh!

(Supervisor collapses onto floor. He’s been stabbed in the back by a stapler.)

Supervisor: (To manager) I’ve always loved you. (Dies)

(Ext shot. VIPER and Skinny Chick jump on Skinny Chick’s bike, with Skinny Chick driving. VIPER looks behind him and notices Mister Robb sitting reading the Daily Record)

VIPER: What are you doing?

Mister Robb: Just breaking up the day. Breakin the monotony.

Skinny Chick: Let’s go!

(All three of them drive off. Tempus stands at the front door.)

Tempus: That’s unauthorised absence. Go minions! Kill them – in triplicate.

(Chase scene. Hooded civil servants jump on motorbike covered in jobcentre stickers and take off. Cut to motorway. VIPER brings out a hand gun and starts firing at his persuers. Mister Robb is doing the crossword.)

Skinny Chick: Those guys are awful keen

VIPER: Must be a promotion coming up.

(Motorbike pulls alongside VIPER, who jumps into the air and kung fus hooded minion in the head. Standing on the recently vacated bike, he fires 150 bullets from his six-shot revolver, causing all the motorbikes chasing him to crash together and explode in a vast nuclear explosion)

[Jake]

(Dusk. Skinny Chick drives bike into the overgrown car park of a disused building. Mister Robb is still sitting on the back, singing along to some tune)

Skinny: (dismounting) What is this place?

VIPER: The very first jobcentre. Built in 1734. Destroyed during the milk token riots during the sixties. We can hide out here.

(Mister Robb follows them in. The reception area is more or less intact. He takes a seat and opens up his paper. From the shadows a hand appears and points at Viper and Skinny)

Voice: Look at them. Wasters. Not looking for a job.

(Mister Robb looks round in horror)

Mister Robb: D-d-dad?

(cut to Skinny and VIPER sitting side by side looking out on the setting sun. Stirring music)

Skinny: So what’s the plan?

VIPER: (Smokes large cigar and puts it out on his tongue) Well, ever since I started in that place I’ve held my tongue and kept my head down, never stood up to the man and never stood my own ground. Now it’s been taken over and I feel like it’s all my fault. I’ve got to do something!

Skinny: You can do it. I believe in you. (Puts arm round Viper)

VIPER: You’re right! (Stands up) It’s time to get tough. Time to become the greatest civil servant the world has EVER SEEN! (triumphant music)

Skinny: Give me a kiss, you ultra efficient, small minded servant of the people

(They kiss. VIPER tries to cop a feel but Skinny subtly pushes his hand away)

(Fade out)

(Fade in to MOR soundtrack. We see VIPER doing push ups on the roof of the disused jobcentre, then lifting weights, then doing some crap karate moves)

Soundtrack: Buffing up
Going offline
Gonna use ma flexi-time

Do the weights
Kung-fu stuff
Kickin ass cos enough is enough

(We see VIPER stamping forms with both hands, getting quicker and quicker until his hands are a blur. Then we see him surrounded by phones, answering as many as he can at one time. Then cut to VIPER completed complicated forms, again with both hands)

(Soundtrack reaches crescendo)

Chorus: Gonna file through the night
Filing shite till it’s right
Sending forms left and right
Gonna be a CIV-IL SER-VAAAANT

(We see VIPER with a pile of claims, facing an empty filing cabinet. He ties a bandana round his head and throws all the claims at the cabinet at lightening speed. Everything is filed perfectly)

Soundtrack: Telling lies
Completing stat sheets
Making cakes for the boss

Smoke breaks
Two hour lunch break
My sick days are really holidays

(We see VIPER using ten photocopiers at once. Cut to him typing at high speed on a computer, which explodes.)

Chorus: Gonna file through the night
Filing shite until it’s right
Talking bollocks left and right
Gonna be a CIV-IL SER-VAAAAT

(VIPER stands proud against a full moon, bare chested. Close up of him pinning his badge to his bare chest. Close up of name badge)

(Music and film fade out)


(Cut back to Rutherglen Jobcentre, which has now been converted into Ned Factory. Battery Nedettes sit on rows of couches continually giving birth to young neds, which are then put in growing pods and emerge fully grown with baseball caps and tracksuits)

Workman: We need more Greggs Pasties!

(Worker scurries about giving out pasties to the nedettes, who eat and give birth)

(Tempus walks the rows of couches followed by his usual entourage)

Tempus: Things are going smoothly. Give these neds their giros and get them into training.

(Cut to ned training grounds ala Spartacus. Neds fight dummies with broken bottles, wreck cars, and drink)

Tempus: Soon my army will be ready for action. How are things going over at the chib factory?

HoodedServant1: Very well sir. Production is going well. Your army should be equipped by the end of the day.

Customer: I’ve been recently made unemployed. Where do I sign on?

(Tempus shoots him)

(Cut to chib factory. Hooded servant work on blade moulds. We have a montage of shots of knives being made, falling off the line and being handed to Neds standing in a very long queue.)

(Cut to sky. Large aeroplane flies by. Back opens and VIPER jumps out holding a machine gun. Skinny Chick is flying the plane. Mister Robb, with his dad in a rucksack on his back, wanders out and falls out of the plane.)

(POV shot of VIPER descending towards Chib factory. He takes the safety off of his gun. Close of sticker on gun reading: IF FOUND PLEASE RETURN TO DEPARTMENT OF WORKS AND PENSIONS)

(The factory draws closer. VIPER issues a war cry and smashes through the roof of the factory. He grabs a handful of blades and throws them in a sweeping arc. Dozens of hooded servants fall over dead.)

VIPER: Hi. I’m from the job centre. I’m here to advise you on your mass redundancy.

HoodedServant: Kill him!

VIPER: (shakes head). Never work with the public.

(He blasts everyone with the machine gun. Several thousands hoodedservants die, falling into piles ten high. VIPER’s machine gun doesn’t run out of bullets. Everything he shoots explodes.)

Hoodedservant: Send in the auditors!

(Entire factory explodes and VIPER emerges)

(Before him stands several million auditors, all standing with clipboards)

Auditor: You’re not adhering to office dress code!

Auditor2: I want to see an invoice for that machine gun!

Auditor3: And receipts for all those bullets and an accurate count for spent cartridges.

(Viper sreams and falls to the ground holding his head. The auditors descend on him. Fade out)

(Fade up to Mister Robb sitting with his father amongst the wreckage of the factory. His father is wounded)

Robbsenior: Bullets these days…don’t even kill ye…just wound ye…

MisterRobb: And that Grim Reaper, taking his time. Never shows up when ye need him.

Robbsenior: Son…take my bunnet and jacket…keep the legacy going…hold up as many queues as you can. Complain about everything…make…me…proud…(expires)

(Mister Robb stands up, puts on jacket and bunnet, and stands proud against the sky)

MisterRobb: Things to do –people to see.

(He heads off into the sunset, stops, finds something on the road, thinks there’s something on his shoe, fixes the hem on his trousers and generally takes ages to walk a few feet. End scene)

(Viper is tied to a pillar in the ned factory. Tempus et al stand before him laughing and poking him with pens.)

Tempus: You’re trouble, Viper. You’re not ‘proactive’. Not a team member.

Viper: I had the interests of the public in mind.

Tempus: (gags) the public…when have they ever been a concern for the civil service?

Viper: Since I arrived on the scene – I’m going to change the Civil Service and make it something to be proud of, weed out the sycophants and slackers, reform policy into something manageable and realistic.

(Everyone falls about laughing. Viper joins in)

Viper: Only kidding. But I am going to kick your arse.

Tempus: Not without written permission. Auditors!

(Auditors enter and crowd round VIPER)

Auditor: We’d like full reports on your activity over the last three weeks right down to the very last second.

Viper: No! No one can do that!

Auditor: It is a requirement of the department to account for yourself. On Tuesday the 18th of June there was…

(Front door of Jobcentre/Ned factory explodes and Skinny Chick drives in on machine gun mounted motorbike –opening fire on everyone)

Auditor: Vehicles are not allowed in this office! Arrghh!

Tempus: For fuck’s sake. I’m going on my lunch.

(Everyone attacks Skinny Chick. Enter Mister Robb)

MisterRobb: (to Viper) Have you got a pen?

Viper: Quick –untie me

MisterRobb: Just for two minutes. I’ll give it back.

(Skinny Chick is captured and tied up. Mister Robb goes up to her)

Mister Robb: Y’see that guy there (points at Viper) doesn’t help anybody. It’s terrible.

Skinny Chick: Untie me.

Mister Robb: Sorry – I’ve got to go a message. Check my giro is in.

(Moving classical music. Robb wanders the land like Shogun Assassin until he reaches home, which is a straw shack sitting in a shopping mall. He checks the mail)

Mister Robb: No giro!

Mister Robb: (to music)
Oh woe is me
It is Tuesdee
And the payment from the broo isn’t here.
I have bills to pay
Well not really
But still I could have done with the cash

(Enter Pavarotti)

Pavarotti: Oohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
Why they not pay heeeeeeee
Signing since 1983333333333333
Hunting every day for jobs
Not like those ned slobs

(Enter Charlotte Church)

Church: Remember that course they sent you on?

Mister Robb: They had pie chips and beans for a pound

Church: And that scheme where they matched you to jobs?

Mister Robb: Mince, tatties and peas – a pound

(Together)

Church and Robb: But now the payment hasn’t arrived
How’s a man suppose to survive
Without his measly giro
Well of to the jobcentre we go.

(Enter cast of Cats who dance around Robb and carress him and such like)

Cast of Cats: (to disco music)

Hey crazy guys! What to do today
Shall we go ice skating or the amusements to play?
Shall we visit museums or parks or the zoo
Hell no! We’re all going to the broo

Let’s go to the broo
It’s the place for me and you
And several thousand people too

We’ll sit and wait for three hours
And be given money that isn’t ours
And go on some crazy training scheme
And hang around with the Gorbals Young Team

Dale Winton: It’s the broo – places of dreams!
Where nothing is at it seems

Nelson Mandela: It’s the broo – unsettling place
Say otherwise – I smasha your face

Ted Danson: I signed on for 20 years
While working as an actor on the show Cheers

John Travolta: I signed on under four different names
While starring in Pulp Fiction with Ving Rhames

(Cast of Cats drape Mister Robb in a purple robe_

Mister Robb: They must pay – pay me today
Pay me today I say okay
They pay couples as singles if they are gay
Today say pay may lay gay nay hay

(Everyone charges up the street to the jobcentre)

(Cut to jobcentre – Tempus sits on roof looking out over Ned army. Millions of neds stand around drinking cider, spitting, scratching themselves and such like)

Tempus: (through loudspeaker) Ned Army! Today you’re going to find glory in battle. I want you to storm district office and take it over. I want to become district manager…for this district.

Ned#1: Who’s that old bastard?

Ned#2: We’re nut doin nuthin ya maddy!

Tempus: I command you! Do as I say!

Ned#1: Ur ye tryin tae tell us whit tae do?

Tempus: I made you!

Ned#3: You made nuthin. Ah’ll do whit Ah want!

(Neds stay where they are. Tempus looks around hopelessly)

Tempus: (aside) Does anyone speak ned?

Steven: I do. (grabs loudspeaker) Haw ya bunch a dafties!!!

Neds: Whiittt?

Steven: Ah heard thit there’s free tonic wine and ganja goin it this office over by. Loads a giros, too. D’yes want tae git some or ur yese jist wide-os???

Neds: Mon then! (they follow Steven into the hills. Marching music, a Danny Elfman piece called ‘March of the Neds’)

Tempus: Yes! My evil plans are working!

(Enter Mister Robb and the cast of Jesus Christ Superstar)

Cast: (to moving music)

You have left him without two pence
And the next line doesn’t make any sense
Why don’t you pay him over the counter?
Cos if you don’t then he’s just err bound…ter

Mike Tyson: GO MAD!

Cast: Youdontwantthat Youdon’twantthat You don’t want

Mike Tyson: Mister Robb to GO MAD

Cast: Cos if he does
He’ll turn purple
And hold his breath
Until…

Mister Robb: I just want some money
Being skint is not funny
How I am suppose to live
And to the bookies my money give…

Tempus: What the fuck is this? A musical?

Cast: He’s due his pay let’s be fare
But when the postman came it wasn’t there
All you have to do is pay him today
That’s the mister Robb way

Tempus: Go away all of you. I’m being evil.

Cast: Then he has no other choice
But to raise his annoying voice
Cos your customer skills are bad
Then mister Robb he must go mad

(Mister Robb turns purple and pounces on Tempus. End scene)

(Cut to district office. Hooded servants and Auditors line the walls with crossbows and catapults. Millions of neds lay siege to the err office.)

Hoodedservant: It’s Tempus’ army!

Auditor: How do you know?

Hoodedservant: We got a memo this morning. Fire!

(Catapults throw chairs, files, paper, pens, desks, telephones, computers, stamps, and fire extinguishers at the neds, who retaliate by catapulting burnt out cars at district office. Cue large battle scene to rival the one that in Return of the King.)

(Cut back to Viper and Skinny Chick. Still tied to poles.)

(Enter Ian)

Ian: How ye doin?

Viper: Untie me!

Ian: (sighs) You’ll never get this lark, Viper. The more tied up you are the less work you can do. (thinks) But then again, the less tied up you are the more work you can do and the less work I have to do. (unties Viper and Skinny Chick)

Viper: Thanks! Now I’m going off to save…

Skinny Chick: Who?

Viper: I don’t know. I’ve been mistreated by everyone so far. There’s really not much point in me doing anything except going home.

Skinny Chick: That’s not your style, Viper. Why don’t you just kick ALL their assess?

Viper: Good point (dons machine gun and samurai swords)

Tempus: Wait! (he has a black eye) First – get this man a payment

(Mister Robb stands, grinning smugly)

(Cut to battle scene. Still raging. This might involve bankrupting amounts of CGI effects. Gigantic robot approaches on the horizon. Everyone gasps and stops fighting.)

Ned: What the…?

(Robot stops in the middle of the battlefield. The end of one of its big toes pops off and Viper zooms out on a stolen Asda trolley, shooting and cutting. Mister Robb wanders out a couple of minutes later and holds giro aloft.)

Mister Robb: Mine!

(The wind blows and giro blows into the midst of battle, which had now recommenced. Mister Robb screams and joins the battle)

[Jake]

(There now follows a battle that can be stretched to fill in the remaining running time of the film, involving Viper taking on the population of a small country in battle with Mister Robb and Skinny Chick by his side. Much CGI effects, music, and gore. After around 45 minutes of fighting Viper stands triumphant amongst all the bodies, and Mister Robb has retrieved his giro)

Viper: AAArrrgghh (triumphant yell that echoes through the land)

(Enter Tempus dragging a machine on a rope)

Tempus: Well done, idiot. You’ve wiped out the backbone of the civil service. Now who’s going to use up the world’s paper reserves?

Viper: I thought we were heading towards a paperless office?

Tempus: Ha! Ideals! That’s your problem Viper. You’ve got all these ideals but in the world of the civil service only routine can survive. Civil servants aren’t employed for their adaptive skills! They’re employed for their ability to carry out a series of mundane tasks set to a series of unrealistic rules.

Viper: Nothing lasts forever Tempus.

Tempus: You’re right! (goes to machine) That’s why I’ve got this thing. This is the central server for the whole of Britain. It holds all the information on everyone in the entire country going right back to the start of the records, and I’m going to destroy it!

Viper: Err…why?

Tempus: Because in doing so I will create enough work to carry the civil service into the next millennium! Think about it Viper – millions of civil servants working to retrieve all that information. Our organisation will last forever!

Viper: Never!

Tempus: Try and stop me!

Viper: Okay. (Punches Tempus in the face. Tempus falls to the ground)

Tempus: Okay…let’s try it a different way. Mungo!

(Seven foot tall karate champion Mungo enters. Martial Arts champion of the civil service, he stands before Viper and Tempus)

Viper: Let’s go

(Here is the usual scene where Segal gets to display his not-so-good kung-fu skills by waving his hands about a bit before polexing Mungo in the solar plexus.)

Tempus: Damn. (unpins hand grenade and throws it at the server)

Viper: No-

(Everything stops. The heavens part and God, played by Ian Holm, appears, floating down to the ground. He plucks the grenade from its stationary position in mid-air and puts it in Tempus’ jacket. He then walks over to the inert Viper and unfreezes him)

Viper: God! What are you doing here?

God: Well, I couldn’t stand to see the hard work of generations of civil servants being destroyed. Tempus has got it wrong. The world needs the civil service, true, but not to perform perfunctory jobs – they’re needed to baby sit the less unfortunate in our society, listen to their piddling boring stories, and basically provide a captive audience for those who have no one else to talk to.

Mister Robb: Like me!


God: That’s right. Ah…Mister Robb, my greatest creation. How’s the job search getting on?

Mister Robb: Knockin my pan in as usual.

God: That’s great. Now, Viper, I want you to take this server and hide it where no one can get to it. Try Greenock or something.

Viper: Will do!

God: Now I’m off to sort out that new Pope. He farts higher than his arse, that fellow. See ya!

Viper/Robb: See ya!

(God floats back up into the clouds. Time starts up again.)

Tempus: Right (Explodes)

Skinny Chick: Well, Viper – you did it. I’m not quite sure what you did, or why, or what purpose it served, but you did it anyway.

(Viper pats her on the head)

Viper: I know. (Lifts machine onto shoulders) Now to take this to Greenock.

WoundedAuditor: No you don’t. That’s well over the weight a responsible civil servant can carry as relates to the reprographics act 197-

(Viper stands on his head)

Viper: Well, no rest for the wicked (set off)

(Enter Manager)

Manager: Wait – you’ve got too much flexi time Viper. You need to take it now or lose it.

Viper: Oh right. (Dumps machine and walks off with Skinny Chick. Time passes and the machine eventually gets covered with weeds, snow, and eventually buried under ice. Moving music. Film ends except)

(Still shot of manager snorting cocaine from model’s chest)

Narrator: The manager of Rutherglen managed to return the jobcentre to its rightful state. The public didn’t notice.

(Still shot of Ian and Steven sitting at desks in the middle of artic)

Narrator: Both Ian and Steven were sacked for being competent. Ian tours the world playing acoustic guitar songs for the underprivileged, whereas Steven became underprivileged.

(Still shot of Viper and Skinny Chick)

Viper and Skinny Chick moved in together but then Viper realised he was gay and they split up. Viper continued to work in Rutherglen but then went off sick for three months on full pay. Skinny Chick now runs her own ménage.

(Tracking shot of a queue. We follow it for miles until we reach a post office. Predictably, Mister Robb is at the front of the queue)

Mister Robb: (To cashier) I won’t keep ye. Nice to have a conflab.

(Caption: THE END?)

(Roll credits, over which plays the theme tune ‘No Second Chance’ by MC Hammer and Slade and Bon Jovi and Terry Riley and Stockhausen and the cast of Cats)

Noddy:
In this world, filled with forms and procedure
We only have each other and upon which to rely on
In our lives only performance is the feature
We can only believe that Viper has won

You get No Second Chance
And that’s all my friends
You get No Second Chance
And a pension scheme

Today, meetings and team talks
Lists of things and targets to meet
Stats lie and bullshit walks
Crap coffee and biscuits to eat

You get No Second Chance
And 12 sick days a year
You get No Second Chance
And four weeks annual leave

MC Hammer: (mid song rap)

Mister Robb wants a job but he’s really just a knob
And the bruisers and the cruisers and the users are just losers
But he knocks his pan in daily and isn’t just plain sailing
Cos his energy is ailing and just keeps on done failing
He just keeps on talking and a walking and a gawking
But the one thing he’ll never do is start working – yo.

All: No Second Chance
Uncomfortable Heating, vandalised seating
No Second Chance
Phones blaring all day long

No Second Chance
Toilets stinking, paperwork sinking
No Second Chance
Backstabbing, boss babbling

(Fade out)

(In true marketing style the DVD extras for this feature are already made even before the film has been put into production. So what we now have as extras is:)

175 minute interview with the real Mister Robb entitled ‘my television has broken down’. In the interview it is blatantly apparent that Mister Robb has no idea that someone is playing him in a film and has no interest about talking about anything apart from his television being broken.

Cinema Trailer – script for which is as follows:

(Shot of Viper standing in the middle of the office)

Narrator: He was a man in need of a desk

(Shot of Skinny Chick drinking)

Narrator: She was the hastily tacked on love interest

(Shot of Mister Robb looking at his shoe)

Narrator: And he was a man in need of a job

(Shot of Viper interview tramp)

Narrator: He was an ordinary civil servant, just getting by in the world of policy and law, when…

(Several shots from movie of Viper being tough, and several shots that don’t appear in the film at, like Viper flying a spaceship, scuba diving, skiing and fighting Godzilla.)

(Shot of Tempus)

Tempus: You’re the man for the job

Viper: The civil service is my life

(Shot of Viper wrestling a crocodile, superimposed with JFK at Dallas, standing at a queue in a post office.

(Shot of Ian and Steven)

Ian: It’s nearly lunch

Steven: Aye.

Narrator: The thrills

(Shot of Viper’s pen running out)

Narrator: The spills

(Shot of Viper knocking over a cup of coffee)

Narrator: The love

(Shot of Skinny Chick and Viper together. Skinny Chick kisses him on the cheek and then vomits)

Narrator: An all new action spectacular starring Steven Segal as Viper McCreadie – The only man who can save the Civil Service.

(Shot of Viper having a fly cigarette in the toilets)

Narrator: No Second Chance!