If there's something bad
In the fan fic world…
Who ya gonna call?
If there's a terrible fic
And it has misspelled words…
Who ya gonna call?
We ain't afraid of no fics!
We ain't afraid of no fics!
If there’re line breaks
running through the fic
Who can ya call?
If there’s a bunch of jokes
Made about your fic…
GUESS WHO IT IS!
VincentX: *appears in a chair dressed and talking like Dr. Evil* Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to my underground riffing lair.
Jerry: *Number Two* Dr. Evil, what are you proposing we riff on today?
VincentX: Thank you for asking Number Two. Today we will be performing an experiment…and I shall call it, “Mini-Riffing.”
Jess: *As Frau Farbissina* Vat iz this “mini-riffing” heir-docter?
VincentX: It is when we only riff on the first two chapters of a bad story.
Sam: *As Scott* That’s it? That’s pathetic, ass.
VincentX: You see, everyone loves riffing…Sammy don’t!
Sam: I don’t mind but…
VincentX: Sammy don’t!
Jerry: Dr. Evil, perhaps we should just start the riffing. What is the name of the story?
VincentX: Fine, ruin my fun. Our story today is called “Galaxy Fantasy” and it is by “Buddhacide.” It is what we call a “crossover story.”
Zack: *Austin Powers* A crossover? That’s groovy baby yeah!
VincentX: Of course it is my nemesis.
Lauren: *Felicity Shagwell* It can’t possibly be as groovy as the 60’s Austin!
Zack: Well obviously baby!
Brad: *Fat Bastard* Ach, I bet I’ve had more impressive craps than this story!
Trent: *Goldmember* Can I turn the author’s yoo-hoo goooold? It’s kinda my thing.
VincentX: *moves chair over to Trent* How about NO!? You crazy Dutch bastard.
Mike: *Nigel Powers* Oh this is nothing; do you have any idea how many bad stories I’ve killed over the years? I mean come on, this one doesn’t even have an interesting name, it doesn’t stand a chance at all.
Jerry: Dr. Evil, what does this story crossover?
VincentX: I’m glad you asked Number Two. You see it combines Transformers, Final Fantasy XIII and Marvel Comics. Now start the fic.
Jess: OPEN THE WEB PAAAAAAAAAAAGE!
A cross-company crack fanfiction
Trent: Well at least the author admits they’re on crack.
Final Fantasy XIII vs. Transformers vs. Marvel Comics
Jess: SUNDAY! SUNDAY! SUNDAY!
Mike: Watch as Final Fantasy XIII slugs it out with Transformers!
Brad: Watch as Marvel Comics roll over cars!
Author's note: Welcome to "Galaxy Fantasy". This story is does not involve only Final Fantasy XIII characters and Transformers, although the story settings might mislead one to think so. It's about action and explosions and crazy powers. It's intended to have emotion and humour. But most of all, it's intended to be fun. Whether it works, we'll see. Thanks for checking out this experiment of mine.
Jerry: Today’s experiment...FAILED.
Unfortunately, due to the time constraints imposed by my other commitments, I've realized I can't write long story arcs in any sustained way (I tried to do so with Evening Star and Futurescapes, and it is no surprise that they are still on hiatus).
Trent: Thank god for that.
So while this story obviously has a plot, direction,
Jerry: Which is more than I can say for Final Fantasy XIII.
and an eventual ending, chapters will be largely contained in themselves (like episodes from a Saturday morning cartoon), largely for my own benefit but perhaps for readers' as well.
Sam: This could be either interesting…or a total disaster.
"Galaxy Fantasy" is about an unlikely, futuristic and interspecies team of superheroes.
Jerry: So it’s Justice League.
Founded by Autobot leader Optimus Prime, Galaxy Force is dedicated to the protection of the universe against its most powerful threats.
Zack: Well it’s definitely not Power Rangers Lightspeed Rescue…
Each member is the representative of a planet or cosmic aspect. From its satellite base, Orbital Terminus, Galaxy Force fights as one proactive force to protect all beings from the greatest threats in the multiverse.
Lauren: And they are known as Super Friends!
Disclaimer: I am using the Western equivalents of Japanese terms for this story (it's always been a tricky story with Transformers and Final Fantasy XIII). I apologize if you're more used to the Japanese names. Finally, the Transformers' incarnations are those that appear in the upcoming game, War for Cybertron.
Chapter 1: Feel Our Power
Jerry: The power is yours!
The newly built star station was modelled after the spacecraft that carried the first Transformers to Earth. Within its central chamber stood a tall, majestic robot, whose red, blue and silver body shone from the screens around him.
Zack: Sure, why not?
Each monitor displayed an individual hotspot on the globe. On the continent of South America, a vicious battle was raging between two Norse gods: one who wielded a mythic hammer of lightning and thunder, and another whose fiendish grin seemed to embody mischief itself.
Trent: Uh…since when were Thor and Loki in the Transformers?
Brad: Since the author said so.
Elsewhere in Europe, genetically modified monsters emerged from untraceable portals and began to wander various towns and cities, hungry for something warm-blooded. And in the blasted streets of Shanghai, the Autobots Ratchet and Ironhide were bogged down in a devastating street fight against a tide of Decepticon drones.
Jerry: Street Fighter: Transformers Edition.
Evil was everywhere.
Sam: Dr. Evil?
The suns and worlds cry out for protection, thought Optimus Prime to himself. Thoughtful optical sensors glimmered cerulean lights. The universe calls for more than what I can achieve by myself. I owe something greater to all sentient beings. I owe it to all who dwell on this blue planet of organic life. I have a duty to preserve their freedom from the countless threats that stalk the galaxies.
Mike: Wow, that is so forced.
Jerry: I think the author is trying to be deep with the inner thoughts.
Lauren: Do or do not, there is no try.
The Autobot commander drew himself up, his signature faceplate concealing part of his serious expression.
The Autobots cannot protect the world alone, and they shouldn't. No one is an island.
Jess: I am a rock.
Sam: I am an island.
That is why I commissioned this space base for a new team that will take proactive measures to protect this world. Each member will represent a planet or an aspect of the universe, and all of us will be unified in our shared objective – to protect Earth.
Jerry: *Flash* What? Like a bunch of Super Friends?
Brad: *Superman* I was thinking more like a Justice League.
This is Orbital Terminus.
My name is Optimus Prime, and I am the founder of Galaxy Force.
Zack: …Am I the only one?
Zack: Then it sounds like…
Zack: Go Go Transformer Rangers?
Trent and Jerry: Yep.
He lifted himself from his heavy meditation and laid a careful hand on the central supercomputer, Teletraan One. He cocked his helmed head as he felt a presence behind him. He did not need to look to know who it was. The first member of my team has arrived, he thought to himself.
Lauren: Go Team Venture!
"Welcome to your new base of operations," he said, turning around. He raised a hand in greeting. "And thank you for accepting my invitation to join Galaxy Force."
Jerry: Tommy what are you doing here?
The girl was exquisitely beautiful, with a slender, lithe figure and flowing long hair as dark as the infinity of space. Prime's optical sensors could detect a massive, four-armed machine behind her, regulating internal energies that dated back to the Big Bang. The device was cloaked by a force field she had created so as to keep her true and shocking identity a secret.
Trent: Who the crap?
Jess: No idea.
Her most arresting physical features were her starry purple eyes, which emanated an otherworldly pink light.
All 8: AAAAAAAAAAH! IT’S JINX!
Those deep violet irises shone with the power of the constellations. Her pupils were blacker than supermassive black holes. And reflected in them were the death of the previous universe… and the birth of the present one.
All 8: AAAAAAAAAAAH! IT’S RAVEN MERGED WITH JINX!
The Power Cosmic…
Jerry: I HAVE THE POWER!
It was all the more incredible that this semi-abstract being was wearing what urban humans would call "yuppie" clothes – figure-hugging jeans, a white t-shirt, and a pair of chic sunglasses that she slipped off in the name of politeness.
Lauren: Who is this?
Zack: No idea.
"I guess I'm in the right place," she giggled nervously. "I've never been asked to be part of a superhero team before. I guess that's probably because I look at everyone like assortments from a scrumptious planetary buffet," she added sadly.
Mike: Hi, that’s not creepy.
She was enormously thankful that her new leader technically did not possess biomass, and hence was of no nutritious interest to her. Having inherited her father's appetite, she needed to continuously feed on bio-matter, but her self-imposed vow to protect Earth was depriving her of an extremely nourishing and accessible meal.
Sam: Fat Bastard’s daughter?
But Prime seemed to understand. "I invited you, daughter of Galactus,
Jerry: Wait what? Galactus has a kid!?
because I know about your predicament. You've sworn to protect the beings on this planet, despite having a natural yearning to devour it. Your heart is pure and your cause is just. And although your strength must be fluctuating, it still surpasses anything I've ever seen. It could easily turn the tide against Megatron and anyone else that threatens Earth."
Zack: I’m already lost.
The young woman (or the transcendent being that manifested in the form of one) scratched her head, laughing in embarrassment. "Well, it's not a big step," she said modestly. "I mean, I spend most of my time scrounging off aliens that latch onto this planet's ecosystems, but in human terms, that's like scavenging for bread crumbs. It's just not enough. I gotta say, I have a pretty selfish reason for joining up – " She gave Prime a pleading look. "You already know I'm not like my father, so… I just wanna say, I actually have a conscience, and I love Earth. The whole planet is a delectable banquet to me, but I've made a promise to protect it! If you can find more invaders for me to nourish myself with… I'll do anything."
Zack: Bow chicka bow wow!
Jerry: Okay seriously, does Galactus really have a kid?
Jess: TO THE WEEEEEEEEEEB!
Trent: …Okay I have to know one thing.
Lauren: Who shtoinked Galactus to produce her?
Jerry: It doesn’t say…wait…ew.
Jerry: Apparently Galactus reproduces asexually…and so does she because the last bit of info on her is that she’s pregnant.
Mike: Well, this has gotten odd.
She blinked. "You wanted me on your team because you knew I wouldn't see you as food."
Jerry: Well they do say pregnant women have odd cravings…but this is taking it too far.
"Don't forget that not all your teammates will be Cybertronians. I recruited you first because were very easy to contact, thanks to your popular Twitter account,"
Trent: Well my inner child just died a horrible death due to Optimus saying that line.
said Prime. "At first, I consulted Teletraan One, because I was certain your location was above top secret. But then I started using the Internet after I tracked your presence to a civilian website. Your Tweeting has so many hits; I ended up sending a standard e-mail to reach you."
Lauren: That…that’s just dumb.
Brad: Some groups use telepathy, some use hyper advanced machinery…Optimus used the god damn internet.
"So you basically got to me through mobile web? Oh, right," said Galacta sheepishly. She glanced up at one of the screens that surrounded them, and at her telepathic command, it switched to her flamboyant account homepage. It displayed a blurb about herself, her most recent Tweet, and a profile picture with a header:
Jerry: Yeah, with this pic:
Brad: Oh dear fuck!
Sam: That’s what this character looks like?
Trent: I prefer this one:
All 6 Guys: GALACTA’S ASS AND MORRIGAN’S BOOBS! DUN DUN!
Jess: Just when I think they can’t get anymore immature.
Bio: Has a major in food issues, with a minor in daddy issues (or vice versa, depending on the time of day)
Trent: Or time of the month.
Trent: I regret nothing!
Finally! Someone asked me to join a TEAM! O.o Look out, X-Men! Guess who's my new boss… everyone's fav bot, the fab Optimus Prime! I just hope I'm not going EAT my new teammates… I'm starved as it is… that's something I'm really worried about!1
Zack: This frightens me.
about 10 minutes ago from mobile web
"You told your followers about my plan?" said Prime, dumbfounded.
Jerry: *Abridged Vegeta* Really should’ve told Frieza to keep off the Twitter.
She looked excited as he stared at the display. "So you wanna keep up with my Tweets?" she said eagerly. Apparently, not even semi-omnipotent entities could resist the fun of online social networking.
"I'll sign you up myself, so don't worry about your account. Oh, I forgot to mention – I'm happy to provide Orbital Terminus with any technology it needs. My toys outclass pretty much anything your enemies can throw at you. Just sayin'."
Jerry: *Abridged Vegeta* I’m just…Saiyan…Wakka wakka!
"That will be appreciated. I named Galaxy Force after the power you have, which will be combined with that of your teammates," said Prime.
Zack: *Optimus* Seriously, I swear I wasn’t watching Power Rangers Lost Galaxy when I came up with the name.
"In hindsight, it was only a matter of time before the Autobots would need help in holding back the Decepticons." He pressed a button on Teletraan One. "Look at all the hotspots around the planet," he prompted. "Something sinister is taking hold of Earth. And I'm not sure who's behind it all."
Sam: Well it definitely isn’t M. Bison.
The screen to his far right beeped, displaying a mob of fleeing humans that were running past the Autobot hero Bumblebee. Amidst a gory scene of scattered corpses, the yellow robot kept his optics on a shining mass of brilliance, which lashed out with two whip-like appendages of light. Shocked at its speed, Bumblebee fired his plasma cannon, but mysterious being had already smashed its appendages against the Cybertronian, sending him smashing into a building and enveloping him in choking smoke. Bumblebee scrambled up, but the white light was already upon him, beating him relentlessly with the whips of white-hot heat.
Mike: Whips of white-hot heat? That sounds extremely dirty.
Prime closed his optics, his face grim.
"We need reinforcements… everywhere.
Lauren: Cause you’re everywhere to me!
Jess: And when I close my eyes it’s you I see!
But I just don't have enough Autobots to assign across this planet. As you can see, they're struggling against these beings that appeared three days ago. They're powerful," he mused. "From Jetfire's analysis, it's obvious they're not Cybertronian life forms. Yet their molecular structure seems similar to mechanical beings, built around a crystal at the core of their anatomy. They can control the elements amongst other various abilities. And they don't die the same way organic beings do."
Brad: Dude, I was lost at the chapter title.
Jerry: Wait…he just wrote the word “silence?”
Sam: Seems that way.
"Galacta?" said Prime, turning around.
His concerned expression, however, quickly changed to one of embarrassment.
Jess: Why? Did he have his Autobot fly down?
Jerry: No that was the other…
Lauren: WE ARE TO NEVER SPEAK OF THAT!
Jerry: *shrinks* Sorry…
Galactic drool was sliding down the woman's chin, and her eyes had glazed over in anticipation as she stared fixatedly at the unfolding battle on the monitor.
It took several seconds for her to realize that Prime was looking at her. She quickly wiped her mouth, losing her dreamy expression. "Uh. Right. Well, I was just thinking, Optimus. These organisms are what my Earthen menu's been lacking all this time." She smacked her lips, groaning in hunger. "Superpowered beings with biomass… that's like, twelve gigacalories multiplied by twenty for the same size.
Brad: I have no idea.
And best of all, I know why my semi-omniscient consciousness didn't detect these fal'Cie before."
Jerry: Ah crap, here comes the FFXIII part.
Lauren: What’s a fal’Cie?
Jerry: I have no fucking clue, they don’t explain shit in that game.
Prime paused. "Fal'Cie?"
Jess: *Galacta* Yeah, I think the name is stupid too.
"These beings are not native to this world," explained Galacta. "They're inhabitants of a different dimension altogether. It only took me a few seconds to memorize the composition of the reality they come from. It's like… a mirror world, with a floating continent called Cocoon, with a wild realm called Gran Pulse lying below it. I can sense that there are two kinds of fal'Cie, but I'm not sure why. I need to expand my consciousness across the realities to encompass Cocoon and Pulse, but that will take time. We need information from insiders."
Sam: I’m confused.
Jerry: Welcome to Final Fantasy XIII, the game that assumes you know what it’s talking about.
She nodded appreciatively. "Well, whatever. Two things are for sure: these guys aren't indigenous bioforms of Earth. Ergo: they're a new item on my carte du jour." She laughed gleefully, clasping her hands like a besotted teen in love. "I am not a amoral slave to my own hunger, unlike a certain un-fatherly someone. But I knew joining you would be a good chance to nourish myself while doing what I do best."
Prime's optics glinted. "Galacta, you're my last line of defence. I'm sure these new enemies will make for a relatively satisfying meal. Now it's time to take the next step. You represent an aspect of the universe that is unfathomably deep, but ultimately benevolent. I represent the planet of Cybertron. But we've just begun. There are several more members to recruit."
Mike: *Optimus* I have the Red Zeo Ranger on line two.
Galacta brushed back her dark hair. "What do you want to do now?"
"I want to find suitable emissaries who can fight these fal'Cie alongside us," replied Prime, "and I think Teletraan One has already identified them." He glanced back at his new ally. "Can you do me a favour and teleport me to London?"
Jerry: *Abridged Bakura* Oh bollocks.
She shrugged. "Sure thing."
Trent: This story makes no sense so far. He’s using some obscure Marvel character that I bet no one’s heard of and a game that uses wacky words. Fantastic, I can’t wait to see what happens next to increase the stupidity.
The skies were still blue above the capital of the United Kingdom.
Big Ben had collapsed under the concussive force of Starscream's Null Ray.
Brad: *Starscream* I am not paying for that by the way.
The Decepticon Air Commander looked outward toward the flames that were consuming London, and he smiled. "The space bridge worked perfectly," he said to himself. "Divide and conquer is a key principle in waging an intelligent war. Even a pathetic human like Doctor Doom understands that. Yet you don't, great leader Megatron,"
Sam: Oh hey it’s a Marvel character that people actually know.
he muttered. "You don't appreciate the subtleties that make an ugly thing like war into something beautiful." He smiled at the humans that scattered like ants on the ground below. "My frequencies detect unfamiliar, chaotic wavelengths that are neither Earthen nor Cybertronian. I will finish this wreck of a metropolis, before investigating for myself the potential of these new arrivals."
Jerry: Wow, so Starscream is already out of character since he’s annoying in a completely different way than usual.
Zack: He’s deep…or trying to be?
Jerry: Pretty much.
His forearm cannon gathered renewed power, and a stream of energy screamed towards a mob of confused and terrified humans. The shattered ground shook, and Starscream felt elation in his spark at the shrieks of the flesh-beings. Like ants wriggling in a fire, they twisted and shrivelled as the implosion consumed them and left nothing behind.
Zack: We can only hope one of them was Shia LeBouf.
Lauren: We’re not that lucky.
Starscream grinned as he lowered his hand, but his pleasure was cut short.
Mike: That sounds wrong out of context.
Brad: There’s context?
He looked closer at the aftermath of his attack.
Sam: *Starscream* Man, I wanted more burning.
Two humans had survived. And they were uninjured.
Jess: Please tell me these two will be interesting.
"What? Was my Null Ray actually blocked?" he confirmed quietly, staring down at the duo at the epicentre of the explosion. "Who are you?" he shouted, demanding an answer from the pair below. "You are no ordinary human scum!"
Lauren: They’re super scum!
A crimson cape billowed in the smoke-choked wind as Starscream's challenger stared up at him. She was beautiful and stern-faced woman, with long pink hair that fell over her left shoulder.
Jerry: Hey Jess?
Jerry: They won’t be.
Her outfit betrayed her military origins. It consisted of a tight white vest that covered a brown turtleneck, accompanied by a necklace with a lightning bolt-shaped pendant.
Brad: Because people from the military totally dress like that.
In contrast to her right side, her left arm was wrapped in a black sleeve, and a green plate with two gold stripes concealed her left shoulder. A short brown skirt and belt completed her costume. A pair of rugged boots covered her otherwise bare legs.
Brad: Because people from the military totally dress like that.
Her blue eyes glinted angrily as she pushed back her trembling companion. He was a short boy with distinctive silver hair and haunting green eyes. His orange and yellow coat, along with his green pants, was caked in soot. The woman had used her weapon to shield him from the fatal fire.
Trent: Okay unless she has a giant shield I really doubt the physics involved in that.
"You can sit this one out, Hope," she muttered.
Jerry: Yeah, because he was so useful anyway…
"… Okay, Lightning," replied the boy hesitantly, clutching at his emerald scarf with a gloved hand.
Brad: I HOPE this author gets struck by LIGHTNING.
Starscream's optics widened as his systems scanned the exotic weapon in the woman's hand. It took several seconds for the data to match equivalent words in the Cybertronian language. The result sounded rather chilling and bizarre.
Weapon class: Gunblade. Name: Blazefire Saber.
Sam: Okay first of all that sounds like a Power Ranger weapon.
Trent: Something tells me that’s where Square got the idea for it.
Jerry: And the pieces start to come together.
"A transforming sword? Impossible," he snapped. "How can a human possibly use that?"
Lightning's gunblade was a weapon only the best soldiers on Cocoon were privileged with. "Ever since we fell through that bridge of light, we've been running non-stop from fal'Cie and these unknown beasts," she whispered. "I don't know where Snow and Sazh are,
Jerry: If there’s a god then Snow is being eaten by Unicron.
but you're not touching Hope, you oversized piece of scrap." She did not even acknowledge Starscream's indignant expression as she observed this new alien world – a world that still was populated by humans.
Zack: Wake me up when something interesting happens.
Lauren: So I guess Zack is gonna take an infinitely long nap.
But how could these robotic fal'Cie have brought us here? Are they even fal'Cie? she thought to herself.
Jess: Whatever those are.
"Die!" shrieked Starscream suddenly, firing his Null Ray again. Hope scrambled for cover as Lightning was hurled upwards by the force of the blast, which sent debris hurtling into the sky. Having activated her Grav-con Unit, her gloved hands clenched her gunblade as she leaped between the falling chunks of concrete and metal, launching off them to propel her towards Starscream. Her physical strength was superhuman, her speed was astonishing, and her relatively tiny size gave her a distinct advantage as her forbidding eyes met his shocked optics.
Jerry: And her character was AMAZINGLY BLAND.
"You'll pay for trying to shoot Hope," she snarled.
"Impossible!" he cried. "That a human could confront me like this – "
Brad: I’m kinda routing for Starscream right now.
Lightning disappeared, and before Starscream could notice her movements, she was carving a furious flurry of gashes across his face, taking advantage of her momentum to do as much damage as possible before gravity did its work. Painful explosions erupting from his nose and mouth, Starscream attempted to swat her away with an enraged backhand. Lightning's reflexes saved her life, and sparks flew from Blazefire Saber as she fell from the heavens. Blood trailing from her lip, she gritted her teeth, bracing herself for a very sore back.
Jerry: Wow…this is…just bad. I mean, at least the fight doesn’t sound like something from a script…but it’s just bland and boring.
"And stay down, worm," snarled Starscream, rubbing his dark helm. Smoke and fire were trailing from his facial wounds.
"Lightning!" cried Hope, as she breakfell along the ground, rolling back up quickly to minimize the shock rattling her body. He ran over to help her. "Are you okay?" he whispered. She would have collapsed back down were it not for his steadying hands. She glared up at the hovering robot. She had inflicted some pain on him, but it was not enough. She began to wonder how many more attacks she could withstand before he inevitably wore her down.
Trent: I’m wondering how much more of this story we can withstand before we all fall asleep.
"I can't take him down," she growled. "Not by myself – "
Jerry: You are a fucking horrible excuse for a warrior. A true warrior wouldn’t accept defeat unless they were fucking dead!
Sam: Down boy!
An abrupt flash of purple light blinded her. A pink and violet gate randomly exploded into existence several yards away from her, and she embraced Hope instinctively as a large but streamlined vehicle began to emerge from it. Everything is happening too quickly! she thought wildly. A red and blue truck was already rumbling past her, launching into the air, and…
Jerry: YOU GOT THE TOUCH!
Trent: YOU GOT THE POWER!
"What the…" she mumbled in disbelief, her jaw relaxing slightly.
There was no other word for it: the truck was transforming.
Lauren: Almost like some kind of transformer!
Hope stared up at the vehicle as metal plates shifted, slid, and came together, rearranging themselves before his eyes. Red, blue and silver intermingled, forming a heavy body of armour around a huge frame with limbs. The front nose of the vehicle slid into the centre of converting shoulderplates and legs, forming a broad chest as hands emerged from strong arms. Its face, complete with a platinum mouthplate and a martial blue helmet, was the last to emerge.
Mike: Meh, still boring.
Jerry: Not even the awesomeness of Stan Bush can help this story.
The robot landed, skidding across the concrete violently and coming to a halt.
"I'm a friend," it growled briskly, much to the l'Cie's shock. "Let me help you."
Brad: Please step on her!
The talking robot's azure optics shone as he drew a rifle the size of a tree – an ion blaster – and fired repeatedly at an astounded Starscream, piercing his chest and puncturing his leg. Rocked by explosions across his body, the Decepticon fell from the sky and collided with the ruins of a building. "PRIME!" he shrieked in hate as he crash-landed gracelessly. His cries only grew louder as he met the ground, humbled by a being of flesh and her unexpected reinforcement.
Lauren: Is something interesting happening yet?
"There's no time to waste," cried the robot with a blue helmet. "Let's follow through!"
Instinctively, Lightning sprinted towards Starscream, who was struggling up. He launched himself into the air again, but Lightning's Grav-con Unit sent her careening upwards to meet his speed. Before he could transform into a fighter jet and flee, she swung her weapon against his helm in a wide, ferocious arc.
Jerry: Stop trying to make this bland character cool, I honestly don’t think it’s possible.
"You aimed your cannon at Hope. And I told you you'd pay!" she roared, above the whining screech.
Jerry: Wait…THAT’S THE CHARACTER THAT SHE GROWS TO PROTECT!? THAT STUPID LITTLE ANNOYING KID!? FUCK EVERYTHING!
Sam: Wow…Jerry snapped.
Jerry: FUCK THIS SHIT!
Jerry: Weeeeeeeee…*falls over*
The Decepticon gurgled helplessly as the gunblade ripped into his head, tearing out several circuits and revealing pulsing, purple Energon. Lightning somersaulted back and descended back to Earth as Prime fired three devastating shots, orbs of ion smashing into Starscream and crushing his body even as he hastily transformed into a wreck of a vehicle mode. Swearing incoherently to himself, the Air Commander shot away in a sonic boom, leaving the unlikely allies standing together amidst the rubble of London.
Mike: Wait…so they didn’t even kill him?
Brad: So this was…
Zack: A rushed and pointless way to introduce two bland characters.
"I want answers," barked an exhausted Lightning.
Jerry: Who let the Lightning out!?
Brad: BLAND! BLAND! BLAND! BLAND!
Hope was safe, but she did not feel any more relaxed than before. "Who was that? And who are you?"
"My name is Optimus Prime. I am an Autobot, an autonomous robotic organism from the planet Cybertron."
Zack: Yeah, thanks for quoting the movie.
Jess: Well what’s worse? Lightning and Hope or Megan Fox and Shia LeBouf?
Zack and Jerry: We’re thinking!
He lowered a knee to the ground, looking down at the young woman and younger boy. "We just chased away a Decepticon, evil counterparts to the Autobots. That one is called Starscream, and he is extremely dangerous. You must be careful when you engage him. And this planet you're on is called Earth." He blinked slowly. "What are your names?"
Lauren: Bland and Boring.
"Hope Estheim," said the boy meekly, after a moment of awkward silence. "And her name is Lightning – "
Mike: My name is.
Mike: My name is.
All 3: My name is Lightning.
"Optimus Prime? Earth? Is this some kind of joke?" said the pink-haired warrior suspiciously.
Jerry: Worse; it’s a poorly written fan fic.
She did not lower her gunblade. "We fell through a bridge of light, and we've been fighting and fleeing non-stop since we landed here. First PSICOM, now this?"
Jess: First Sonic Meets Star Wars now this!?
"I am not of this planet, either," said Prime.
Lauren: Gee, I couldn’t tell.
"But Earth is my home. I protect it from the villains you just fought. And please calm down," he added, noticing Lightning's heavy, erratic breathing.
Jess and Lauren: Perv.
Zack: *Ratchet* The boy’s pheromone levels suggest he wishes to mate with the female.
He pressed his metallic temple, and two light beams shot from his optics and moved across Lightning's body.
Zack: Uh…please no robot sex! Please no robot sex!
"Your body, although not one hundred percent human, is still organic. It requires at least some rest. From what my scanners tell me, you're not severely injured, but any more battles and your body could fall apart."
Jerry: And the bad part would be?
Hope was gingerly supporting Lightning's waist. "Op… Optimus," he spoke up, looking at the Autobot. "Do you know where we can find shelter?"
"I came from a space station called Orbital Terminus to help you. I would be honoured if you would agree to come with me. I am the leader of the Autobots, and Orbital Terminus is the base of operations for a new team called Galaxy Force."
Trent: Lost Galaxy what?
Lightning grasped Hope's shoulder. At first, he thought that she was angry, but then he realized that what she was feeling was uncertainty.
Sam: I’m feeling boredom.
Brad: I’m feeling nauseous.
Jess: I feel like chicken tonight.
"My friend Galacta has told me about you… about your kind. I don't understand everything, but I do know this: Freedom is the right of all sentient beings," urged Prime gravely.
Jerry: *Optimus Primal* Freedom is the right of all sentient beings Megatron!
Trent: *Megatron* Well then they’d better stay out of my way!
He offered his hand. "And that goes for l'Cie like you and Hope. Fate rarely calls us at a moment of our choosing. I'm in the dark about your present struggle, but I do hope you can honour me with your story."
Zack: Hey let’s play quote the second movie!
Silence passed between Autobot and l'Cie for several moments.
Lauren: And it was nice while it lasted.
"Fine," said Lightning at last, breathing heavily to release her suppressed distress. "I'll trust you… this time. Try anything, and I'll slice you apart."
Jess: *Lightning* Generic threat!
Zack: *Optimus* Random Transformers movie quote!
Sam: Nice, you’ve managed to sum up all the dialogue from those two already.
She placed a hand on the boy's shoulder and pulled him close. "Take us to your command centre."
Prime closed his optics. Did you hear that, Galacta?
Yup, came her telepathic reply, and the three allies vanished in a blaze of purple fire.
Brad: Not Purple Rain?
Trent: No Prince.
Lauren: Found him.
Lauren: …I don’t think so.
Jerry: Animaniacs, it’s awesome.
Earth had completed a full rotation around its mother star by the time Optimus had introduced Earth to Lightning.
Brad: Aka one day…wow, now that is padding.
She hadn't smiled since being teleported to Orbital Terminus,
Jerry: And this is different from her usual demeanor how?
although Hope was still wide-eyed with boyish awe. He had never witnessed Cybertronian technology before. Being with Prime and Galacta was enough for him to realize that he was in the presence of legendary beings.
Zack: Well, one legendary being and one really obvious result of a drug trip while reading comics about Galactus.
The daughter of the World Eater had a grim expression on her face for the entire conversation. Though the l'Cie would make nutritious fare, she was determined to keep them safe – from their enemies and from herself, too.
Lauren: This has been another…
Trent: Pointless moment.
Still, for Hope, to meet fellow aliens actually felt safer than encountering Earthen humans. For all he and Lightning knew, the humans of this planet could have been in league with PSICOM and the Sanctum.
Brad: The what?
Jerry: I don’t know.
Brad: You played the game!
Jerry: And your point is?
Brad: …Ah, I get it.
Prime had concluded by outlining his plans for Galaxy Force to the l'Cie. He had extended an offer of membership to them, inviting them to become founding teammates alongside himself and Galacta.
Jess: Gee I wonder what generic comment Lightning will make as a reply!
Lightning still felt wary of the overall situation, however. "I've told you our story. We're still not sure how we tumbled through that bridge of light. That's the only way I can describe it. I lost consciousness until Hope shook me awake. We fled across the city we had landed in, clashing with various monsters like that… Decepticon. In any case, our current problems on Cocoon are complicated. I'm not sure if we need to tell you about them right now. What's needed is to fight off the enemies that are streaming from the bridges of light that have opened on our world."
Sam: Recapping, the new filler.
"Patience," said Prime. "Though my spark grieves for every life that is lost on this planet, we cannot achieve our objectives if we charge in without a plan." He paused. "Those bridges you're referring to are called spacebridges, a Cybertronian means of planetary transport. I'm suspicious as to why they're appearing on your world, which leads me to suspect, naturally, my nemesis Megatron. All in all, this is a mystery to me."
Jerry: *Optimus* Mysteries, my nemesis.
Trent: *Megatron* The Nemesis! Hahaha! The Nemesis.
He rubbed the ridge of his metallic nose. "This planet is host to many alien species, including Cybertronians. But it has never seen l'Cie before. I can't tell if your associates will follow you through the spacebridges that you fell through, but I know that your chances to find your answers will be stronger if you fight with allies. Allies like the Autobots and Galacta."
Mike: Well, how convenient.
Hope gave a slow nod. "I trust you," he said, looking up at Prime.
Brad: Does this character serve a purpose?
Trent: I doubt it.
Jerry: Yeah, that’s pretty much how he was in the game too.
"Hope," chastised Lightning, frustrated by his openness and honesty. She hated appearing vulnerable,
Lauren: Yeah, heaven forbid you act like a fully developed person.
yet the boy had exercised a mysterious power over her ever since they began their adventures together.
Jerry: Uh…wait what? I’m confused…it’s like playing the shitty game again!
He looked up at her, and she could not help falling quiet. Their eyes met, and his silence spoke volumes.
Sam: Hello darkness, my old friend;
Brad: I've come to talk with you again.
Mike: Because a vision softly creeping
Zack: Left its seeds while I was sleeping,
Jerry: And the vision that was planted in my brain
Trent: Still remains within the sound of silence.
What have we got to lose? Everyone's gone, at least for now. We need allies on this planet. We need to find out what's going on. I don't want you to overreach yourself for me, he thought desperately.
Prime nodded at the former Guardian Corps soldier. "I promise you. We will find the answers we seek together, as an army of one. Will you join Galacta and me?"
Jess: Gee I wonder, what could her bland and obvious answer be!?
Lightning's cold blue eyes did not lose their cautious gleam. But her words were what Hope wanted to hear.
"Count us in."
A/N: I hope you enjoyed the first chapter. I hope it was exciting.
Sam: *snores* Huh?
Constructive criticism and feedback is appreciated. For those of you who are unfamiliar with the newest characters in this crossover, here are their bios. Also, I'm not an expert in Final Fantasy XIII lore. My apologies for any mistakes.
Jerry: When a game is as devoid of a plot as FFXIII is then how can anyone be an “expert?”
Lightning (Claire Farron)
Series: Final Fantasy XIII
Zack: Too bad it isn’t Claire Redfield.
Trent: With a grenade launcher.
Jerry: Bland, boring and wholly underdeveloped; Lightning is quite possibly one of the worst female protagonists in RPG history.
Lauren: I don’t think that’s what it says.
Jerry: Well that’s what it should say.
Estranged from her sister and isolated from the possibility of friendship with other human beings, Lightning leads a cursed, violent life as a l'Cie, a being marked with the destiny of oblivion by a Pulse fal'Cie.
Trent: Because we know what those are.
Jerry: Yeah, aka Square wanted to make her the bland tough loner.
The first qualities that others notice in her are coldness, distance, and even belligerence.
Jerry: But when you’re forced to team up with a douche nozzle like Snow how else are you supposed to act?
But several individuals (such as Serah and Hope) have demonstrated that she possesses another face: one of care, of protectiveness, and dedication to the task of opposing the injustices of Cocoon and the Sanctum.
Jerry: Too bad her character is so underdeveloped we need bad fan fics like this one to show it.
All her plans are brought to a sudden halt, however, when she falls through a "bridge of light" with Hope, losing contact with Sazh as she finds herself on a war-torn planet called Earth. Attacked from all sides by new, unknown foes, Lightning finds an ally in the noble Autobots and gains new resolve to foil the conspiracy of the fal'Cie and protect Cocoon and Earth. Determined to keep Hope by her side, she joins Galaxy Force and becomes a founding member of the new team of superheroes.
All 8: GO GO POWER RANGERS!
Powers: Lightning is a warrior with a formidable mastery of several different powers that make her possibly the deadliest foreign fighter on Earth.
Her weapon is the gunblade, an extremely diverse weapon that has yet to exhibit its full potential. An expert swordfighter, her agility is complemented by her Grav-con Unit, a military device that controls gravity. By activating imprints on her left thumb and index finger, she can perform outrageous acrobatics and escape feats that should be impossible for human beings. She is an aggressive and competent tactician, combining wits, speed, strength and magic to destroy her foes. Her Eidolon is Odin. The extent of her l'Cie abilities is currently unknown.
Jerry: But are equally as bland.
Series: Final Fantasy XIII
Brad: I HOPE this is over soon.
Bio: Innocence. Naïve courage. Devotion. Hope Estheim embodies these qualities as Lightning's unofficial sidekick and most intimate friend.
Trent: Hi that’s not creepy.
Lauren: So…she touches little boys?
Jerry: No, but Snow is a total pedo.
But a dark uncertainty about himself and his place in Cocoon lurks within this boy as he comes to grips with his initial hatred of Snow and his growing attachment to Lightning, who took him under his wing after an initial confrontation.
Jerry: …seriously? Ugh.
Depending on this otherwise withdrawn woman for guidance and strength, Hope slowly grows in inner fortitude until he is able to stand alongside her as a true partner. He despises war and confrontation, but since meeting Lightning, he has learned to gradually master his fears and inner weaknesses. He once sought revenge, but now he understands that his role and his fight is part of something much bigger.
Sam: You know, maybe if he talked we would know that.
Jerry: Welcome to Final Fantasy XIII.
After falling through the mysterious "bridge of light", he is left wondering where Snow and Vanille could be.
Jerry: See the latter is at least entertaining because you keep guessing what drugs she’s on. As for the former…yeah, be glad you’re away from the douche nozzle.
With the memory of his deceased mother burnt into his consciousness, he accepts the invitation to join Galaxy Force without hesitation.
Lauren: Hope, the emo ranger.
Powers: Physically weak compared to Lightning, Hope is nevertheless a skilled long-range fighter with his futuristic boomerangs and magical powers.
Brad: Pfft, hahahahaha! As if a little wimp like that could fight.
Brad: Oh fuck you Square!
His boomerangs can hit multiple enemies, keeping them at bay from a distance. He is an accomplished spellcaster, especially in the sphere of healing, and his Eidolon is called Alexander. The extents of his l'Cie abilities are currently unknown and his potential is something to be feared.
Mike: As is his horribly bland characterization.
Lauren: Transformers! Bios in disguise!
Bio: Leader of the Autobots, Optimus Prime has devoted his life to protecting the dignity and freedom of all sentient beings. Courageous and admired by many, he is guided by his sense of justice and righteousness, which is always governed by his compassion and care for others.
Jerry: Inserting bios into your story; the new form of filler.
He founded Galaxy Force after
Trent: Watching too many episodes of Power Rangers.
he realized that his Autobots were not enough to stop hostile forces attacking Earth. A mentor figure to the team, Prime believes that the key to success is an unqualified faith in the strengths of different beings. With the help of Autobot builders, he established Orbital Terminus, a satellite station a quarter of the moon's size, which serves as a base of operations for the Wardens. With his newfound friends and the support of his Autobots, Prime is determined to stop any threat to Earth, including that of his archenemy, Megatron.
Mike: Thank you for a recap of a character that everyone already knows.
Jerry: YOU GOT THE TOUCH!
Zack: YOU GOT THE POWER!
Optimus is the greatest Autobot warrior of his generation, having honed his robot and vehicle modes to extreme limits in power and endurance.
Trent: As well as having background music in the original movie that was so cheesy it was freaking awesome!
As the founder and unofficial leader of Galaxy Force, he is the team's strategist and operations coordinator. He does not hesitate to join the fray when necessary, and is a daunting ranged and close-quarters combatant. His ion blaster is his signature weapon, and he wields a Double Energon Axe that can cut through matter of any kind. He also has the advantage of a large truck mode, which he uses to travel long distances.
Jerry: He also has the power of Stan Bush’s music!
Series: Marvel Comics
Representing: The previous universe
Lauren: The result of a comic book writer taking too many drugs.
The most powerful member of Galaxy Force, Galacta is the daughter of the fabled World Eater, Galactus. Possessing powers on a semi-abstract scale, "Gali" is the final line of defence against cosmic threats.
Brad: Why doesn’t she just wipe out the threats right away?
Jess: Because logic does not exist within these walls!
She began life as an anomalous energy field from her father's molecules, but takes the form of a lithe, black-haired young woman with starry purple eyes.
Sam: Yeah that’s more information than I ever wanted on this subject.
On Earth, she spends most of her time Tweeting.
Her cheerful and lively personality hides a never-ending hunger that she directs against invading aliens rather than her adopted planet. Unlike her categorically amoral father, Galacta is decidedly moral, proud of her conscience, and refuses to devour Earth just to satiate her appetite.
Jerry: Galactus is less amoral and more just a slave to his hunger; devouring the worlds that he knows will satisfy it. He takes whatever side is beneficial to him.
When her friends are struggling, she dons her famous purple armour to unleash the Power Cosmic upon Earth's aggressors!
Zack: I thought it was pink?
Sam: It’s not pink! It’s light red!
Powers: Galacta wields the Power Cosmic and is capable of a vast array of astonishing powers. These include molecular restructuring of all kinds of matter, the teleportation of objects across time, space, and dimensions, size-alteration, projecting energy with planet-crushing force, the erection of diverse force fields, the instantaneous creation of portals across the multiverse and other dimensions, telepathy and telekinesis, unstoppable mind-control, and limited cosmic awareness. Her mere presence can alter the immediate surroundings, blurring the lines between imagination and reality. She has also learned to imbue her friends with a fraction of the Power Cosmic, effectively making them her own Heralds. It is rumoured that her true form is that of a humanoid star.
Brad: So she’s God?
Due to her constant hunger, she is not omnipotent. She needs to wear armour during battle to regulate her energy. As such, her power is not consistent. She is not invulnerable to the power or trickery of non-abstract beings. To make things worse, she cannot help seeing all her friends and the entire Earth as a delicious meal.
Lauren: Well at least she’s not completely overpowered and as annoying like a certain self proclaimed God we all hate.
Author's note: Welcome to the second chapter of "Galaxy Fantasy", a story about an unlikely, interspecies team of super-guardians. Feedback and reviews are appreciated. If you like this story, I would like to know what you enjoy about it so I can write more of the same and shore up my weaknesses.
Jerry: How about you don’t pick source material like FFXIII that is devoid of interesting characters and plot? How about you make action scenes exciting? How about you come up with a plot that doesn’t feel like it was a failed idea for a Power Rangers series?
This superhero tale is centred on Lightning,
Jess: There’s your first problem.
a l'Cie fighter from the world of Cocoon/Gran Pulse. Falling through a mysterious spacebridge and landing on a planet called Earth, she and Hope find themselves in the care of Optimus Prime, the noble and compassionate leader of the Autobots. Recruited into his new team, Galaxy Force, Lightning resolves to uncover the mystery of the spacebridge that brought her here, which might very well be part of a far-reaching conspiracy to conquer the worlds of Cocoon, Cybertron, and Earth…
Zack: *Optimus* Here is your Ranger Morpher.
Lauren: *Lightning* …You gotta be kidding.