Vincent X: NO MAKE IT STOP!
Vincent X: MAKE THE BAD MEMORIES GO AWAY!
Zeromark: It's okay, Vincent.
Zeromark: You're not playing Sonic '06
Vincent X: I actually just beat the PS3 version two days ago...
Vincent X: Hard Mode missions here I come!
Vincent X: ...that sounds dirty.
Zeromark: So, tell me Vincent.
Zeromark: Do you remember a lot about Disney cartoons?
Vincent X: What like Bonkers?
Zeromark: Specifically ones that may or may not involve mystical figures and humans with alternate forms?
Vincent X: ...
Vincent X: Gargoyles?
Zeromark: ..Not the one I had in mind.
Zeromark: This one involves Dante Basco.
Vincent X: ...Who?
Vincent X: Ruf-i-o! Ruf-i-o!
Zeromark: Um....merican-ay ragon-day
Vincent X: ...
Vincent X: OH GOD YOU FOUND THE RAPE FIC!
Zeromark: No, I did not.
Vincent X: AMERICAN RAPE VICTIM NOOOOOOOOOOOO!
Zeromark: And I wouldn't do that to you.
Vincent X: AAAAAAAAAAAAH! THE MENTAL SCARS THEY BUUUUUUURN!
Vincent X: Just like squiggly lines!
Zeromark: *happy drugs in dart*
Vincent X: MMm...
Zeromark: Our author today is...oh my.
Zeromark: "Dean the Cuddly Fox"
Zeromark: Vincent, stop drooling on the floor and make a joke here!
Vincent X: DUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUH....the snozzberries taste like snozzberries.
Zeromark: Our story title is?..."Fullmetal Dragon"
Vincent X: Candy bars!
Zeromark: Oh no.
Vincent X: Oh yeah!
Zeromark: Let's get to it then, before Vincent's drugs run out.
Vincent X: Drugs are bad, mmmkay.
I own neither FullMetal Alchemist or American Dragon Jake Long
Summary: Jake's mom had an affair while she was still pregnant with him. resulting in two infants. Jake stayed with them while the other child went with his father, Hoenheim of Light.
Vincent X: *head wall*
Zeromark: Vincent, fetch me a chainsaw.
Zeromark: I may need it for killing the author later.
Vincent X: Let's wait; maybe it's not as bad as we think.
Chapter 1: The Other American Dragon
Vincent X: Dragon! The Other, Other, Other White Meat!
"Yo G, What's up?" Jake asked as he entered the electronic shop.
"Jake, "Lao Shi said. "I have news of another American dragon."
"What?" Jake asked in shock. "I thought I was the first Am drag."
Zeromark: His slang sounds terribly bad in retrospect..
Vincent X: It's like if Sonic was black.
Vincent X: Or...Asian.
Vincent X: Or...just even dumber.
Vincent X: Is that possible?
Zeromark: I don't think that's possible, especially with Jaheel White.
Vincent X: Did I doooo thaaaaaaaaaaaat!?
"See kid, the thing is, you have a brother." Fu dog said with a scratch behgind his head. "your mom had a short affair with an Alchemist while your dad was on a business trip."
"Wait, an Alchemist?" jake asked. "you mean like turning lead into gold Alchemist?"
Zeromark: Well...he's taking that well.
Vincent X: I know dog fu.
Zeromark: If I found out I had a half brother and my mother wasn't the paragon of stability I thought, I don't think I'd be so stable as he.
Vincent X: But this is "Idiot Land!"
Zeromark: It's like the mother-in-law character in The Room.
ďA;chemy is not what humans think it is young dragon." Lao shi said. "It runs on one principle, Equivalent Exchange."
"Equivalent Exchange?" Jake asked confused.
Vincent X: ..."A;chemy?"
Vincent X: *twitch*
Zeromark: *dives for bunker*
Vincent X: WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!?
Vincent X: How the FUCK CAN YOU NOT NOTICE A TYPO LIKE THAT!?
Vincent X: I MEAN GOOD GOD MAN!
"Human Kind cannot gain anything, without first giving something in return, to obtain, something of equal value must be lost." Lao shi explained and bblew off dust on an Alchemy book.
"Right..." Jake said. "SO who is my brother?" He asked.
Vincent X: Obviously this guy didn't do anything to obtain good writing skills.
Zeromark: Edward Elric." Fu dog said as a magical viewer appeared above the table showing a boy with golkden blonde hair and gold eyes. "Took after his old man obviously." Fu said.
Vincent X: ...MURDER!
Zeromark: Looks like the drugs wore off.
Zeromark: Vincent...put down that chainsaw.
Vincent X: MURDER DEATH KILL!
Vincent X: Name what movie that's from!
Vincent X: NOW!
Zeromark: Demolition Man
Vincent X: Yay!
"Now tha tthe Council knows about him, their demanding I produce him at the next Dragon Summit." Lao Shi said. "Ai ya." HE rubbed his temples on his forehead. "I never thought this would happen."
Vincent X: That's all on one line.
Vincent X: ONE.
Vincent X: LINE.
Zeromark: Um, I'm pretty sure losing a limb in the dragon world is serious business.
Zeromark: And Ed has lost two.
Vincent X: He got better.
"New York City?" Ed asked. "Why?"
Vincent X: And then got worse.
Vincent X: ...
Vincent X: New York City doesn't exist in the FMA world...
Vincent X: I forgot the name of the Alchemist World.
Zeromark: Well, it does on the other side of the gate in the first FMA anime...but you couldn't get to it very easily.
Zeromark: And it's Amerteris.
Zeromark: Or something.
Vincent X: TO THE WEB!
Vincent X: Amestris
Zeromark: The court accepts this information.
"There are some old documents about a Philosopher's Stone in New York Central Library." Mustang said. "I've arranged for some lodgings for you with an old aqquaintance and enrolled you in a local middle school."
"Middle school?" Ed shouted.
Vincent X: ...
Vincent X: Old acquantaince?
Zeromark: Lemme guess. Will Ed be meeting Link in school?
Vincent X: No that was the other fic we riffed on.
Zeromark: They're running together sometimes.
Vincent X: And I'm still looking for that treasure chest with a good plot hidden in it.
"Think of it as an undercover job." Mustang said. "Your middle school age in the 'll be perfect."
"Grrr..." Ed growled in frustration. "Fine. When do I leave?"
Vincent X: Now, leave and just run for the hills Ed.
Zeromark: Um, what would the state military have any interest in a school? Much less sending one of their prodigies to be bored to tears with kids who are dumber than him?
Vincent X: Idiot Land.
Zeromark: Ah yes.
"Two days." Mustang said.
"I'll go pack." Ed said and left Mustangs office.
Vincent X: As long as there's no fudge with that packing...
Zeromark: You're terrible.
Vincent X: I know
"This sucks." Ed grumbled as he tried to open his locker..."Damn Mustang." He got his books and moved toward his first class. Mythology with Proffessor Rotwood. What a name. Ed thought. Rotwood.
"You must be our new student." Rotwood said in a German accent as he looked him over
Zeromark: Um? Where's Alphonse?
Vincent X: Thankfully not in this fic.
Zeromark: Wait, what?
Vincent X: ?
Zeromark: Not that I mind the author isn't abusing Al and all
Vincent X: But...
Vincent X: Heh, butt.
Zeromark: But you can't write anything FMA without Alphonse Elric
"Yes Sir Proffessor Rotwood." Ed replied. "Edward Elric."
Jake perked his head up.
"YO Jakey." Trixie said. "Isn't that:?"
Vincent X: A character from another series that should be interacting with these charactersd? Why yes it is!
"My brother." JAke said and nodded.
"yes, why don't you sit next to ?" He sggested "Mr. Long raise your hand so he knows who you are." HE instructed.
Vincent X: BROTHA!
Zeromark: Captialization, what's that?
Vincent X: Brotha! Join me!
Vincent X: Metal Gear!
Jake raised his hand and Ed sat next to him. "Yo, name's JAke Long." he held out his hand.
"Edward Elric." Ed shook it with his automail hand.
Vincent X: Call me Snake.
Zeromark: How do you pronnounce "JAke"
Vincent X: Very carefully.
"Man that's some grip you got." JAke said after they let go. His hand was red. he shook it to cool it down.
"hehe, sorry. guess I just don't know my own strength." Ed said while scratching theback of his head.
Zeromark: ....That's tears it.
Zeromark: And by it, I mean this author's spinal column.
Zeromark: Vincent? My chainsaw.
Vincent X: That's what she said...damn, not fast enough.
Vincent X: I wanted that to go after your "that tears it"
Vincent X: Would've been so awkward.
Zeromark: *revs chainsaw*
Zeromark: Someone's gonna be bleeding tonight.
Vincent X: That's what she said!
"MR. Elric pay attention!" Rotwood said sharply and they saw he had started a lesson on Homunculi. "Now according to legend Homunculi are. Yes Mr. Elric?"
"HOmunculi...are monsters." HE said. "You have no idea just what they are Proffessor."
Vincent X: Well...that was...sudden...
Vincent X: No build up?
Zeromark: I thought they were still before the start of the day
Vincent X: Illogical.
"And you do? Alright, let's hear your theory." Rotwood said.
"Whether out of love, ofr foolish curiosity, Human Transmutations are attempted." Ed started. Making Rotwood raise an eyebrow. "When these attempts backfire, a different life is created. A bring that has its own body and mind, but no soul." He said. "That is a Homunculus. A souless doll with its own mind." THe class stared at him.
Vincent X: ...
Zeromark: Um...isn't that Wrath's lines in the first anime?
Vincent X: Yeah.
Vincent X: Can Gluttony eat this author?
Zeromark: I'll add the spices.
Zeromark: Good lord.
Vincent X: Lust...I'm hungry...
"Err...Correct." Rotwood said. "How do you know about Human Transmutation?" Rotwood asked himself as he turned around. "I guess its time to do a little digging..." He continued on with the lesson.
"Yo Ed." Jake called after school. "My gramps saidyour supposed to stay with him?"
Zeromark: So...is class over?
Vincent X: Okay so I guess we'll just jump forward in the worst edit ever.
Vincent X: Why not!?
"Is his name LAo shi?" Ed asked. "Yeah. My...dad's freind made arrangements with him."
"I'm heading over to his shop now. come on.," JAke said and walked off.
Zeromark: *revs chainsaw*
Vincent X: MURDER!
Zeromark: THERE MUST BE RETRUBITION
Vincent X: To the Perverted Mobile!
Zeromark: Why is it shaped like a missle with two large round fuel tanks in the rear?
Vincent X: Heh, rear.
Ed looked at his new American friend as he walked off. He shrugged and said "What the hell." He followed Jake.
A Short while later...
Vincent X: AT THE HALL OF JUSTICE!
"you must be Edward." the old man said as Ed came into the shop.
"Yes sir." Ed replied. "He said you could help with my...research?"
Zeromark: Oh, god.
Vincent X: You must be joking.
Zeromark: If I was joking, I'd would have said, "What do you do with a Rhino who has three balls"
Vincent X: What?
Zeromark: You walk him, and pitch to the zebra.
Vincent X: ...
Vincent X: I don't get it.
Zeromark: It's baseball humor.
Vincent X: Oh.
Vincent X: What do you call a dog with no legs?
Zeromark: Still a better author than this guy?
Vincent X: Well it doesn't really matter, he's not coming anyway.
"Ah yes. I know a few people...I could pull a few strings to get you into the federal archives." Lao Shi said as he rubbed his chin. "Your room is upstaris to your left. DOn't mind Fu dog, he's harmless." '
Vincent X: What do you call a Fu Dog with no legs?
Zeromark: A character I never liked.
Vincent X: Chinese Food.
"Fu dog?" Ed asked as he walked upstaris to his room to put his things away. "Who names their dog..." HE stopped. He saw a grey (Type of dog Fu) looking at him as if checking him over. ":err. nice doggie." Ed said as he moved on to his room. Staring at the dog till he got in...
Vincent X: I know Dog Fu.
Zeromark: Show me.
Vincent X: *boot to the head*
Zeromark: Wow. You made the author sail a good ten feet.
The kid's defenitely your brother kid." Fu said.
"How do we know id he's got dragon powers like me and Hailey?" JAke asked.
Vincent X: WE GOTTA POWA! DRAGON BALL Z!
Zeromark: I'm thinking Shenron was a lucky dragon who escaped this show.
"Tonight, I am going to splash this revealing potion on him while he is asleep." the old man said revealing a corked glowing blue substance. "This will force him into his dragon form momentarily, then cancel itself out." Ed was coming back down. "Ai ya." He put the potion under the counter.
Zeromark: Revealing potion; all over your face
Vincent X: With Ed coming down.
Vincent X: Perverted Man away!
"Uh, what's goin on?" Ed asked. Seeingh them look at him .
"Uh nothing. See you at school tomorrow Ed." Jake said before he left the shop saying "See ya gramps. G night." He left. the bell on the shop door jingling.
Vincent X: Kill me.
Zeromark: No, kill this author.
Zeromark: You want the shotgun or the tommy gun
Vincent X: A dog, and my personal favorite...A TOMMY GUN!
Vincent X: Name what that's from!
Zeromark: The mask
Vincent X: Yay!
Zeromark: *slips shotgun into holster on back, puts on extra shells bandolier with grenades, camoflauge paint, and chainsaw*
Vincent X: Groovy baby yeah!
"Dinner is in two hours. I suggest oyu study." Lao shi said to Ed.
"Yes sir Mr. Long." Ed replied. He went up to his room, to study Alchemy.
A hour later...
Vincent X: Fuk mi that was fast.
Vincent X: Heh, his last name is "Long." Like a penis.
Vincent X: Is a character in JLU.
Zeromark: How can alchemy work in this world if no one else has seen it before today?
Vincent X: I agree Captain, that is highly illogical.
Ed still practiced using transmutation circles. Currently he was using an armada circle for creating larger objects. He had 10 pounds of Onyx. currently in the circle. He didn't hear the door creak or see Fu peak in to check on him.
Ed put his hands on the outside and the circle glowed bright with alchemic energy. molding and reshaping the onyx. When it was done a ten pound statue of Fu-Dog was in the circle.
Vincent X: Oh dog-gone it!
Zeromark: This kid has a weird fascination with this dog.
Zeromark: And hush, before I make you watch Rover Dangerfield.
Vincent X: What a punny movie it was.
Wow, the kids got talent in this area. Fu thought., he quietly closed the door and went downstairs.
"How's he doing?" Lao Shi asked his long time friend.
"The kids got Hoenheim's talent alright." Fu said. "I wouldn't be suprised if he made State Alchemist in his home country."
Zeromark: Oh, that's hilarious! It's like he's referencing a better canon product.
Zeromark: Where's my whisky?
Vincent X: I'd ask when this takes place in continuity...but I don't want it to.
"Interesting." Lao Shi said. "Perhaps alchemic talent is inherited?"
"Its likely." Fu said. "I've heard of this fmaily of Alchemists called the Armstrongs. They have a long history of what they like to call
"Artistic Alchemsits." He made quote signs in the air with his paws.
Zeromark: THANK YOU FOR NOT TELLING US WITH ANY SUBTLETY
Vincent X: THIS FORM OF TERRIBLE FAN FIC WRITING HAS BEEN PASSED DOWN THE ARMSTRONG FAMILY LINE FOR GENERATIONS!
Vincent X: *flexes*
Zeromark: I think Armstrong would disown whoever wrote something like this.
Vincent X: THIS METHOD OF DISOWNING DISGRACES HAS BEEN PASSED DOWN THE ARMSTRONG FAMILY LINE FOR GENERATIONS!
With Jake, Trixie and Spud...
"So what's he like?" Trixie asked.
"Gramps said he acts more like his dad than our mom." Jake said as he sipped a soda.
Vincent X: Spud?
Vincent X: I must've forgotten that character.
Zeromark: Maybe because it's out of character for your mom to throw it around?
Zeromark: Just a thought.
Vincent X: Bow chick bow wow.
"Well that makes sense, some scientific studies have shown that one twin acts like the mother the other acts like the father." Spud said ( 1 )
Trixie and Jake stared at him.
"What?" Spud asked.
Vincent X: Why is there a "1" with parenthesies around it?
"Spud, you do realize we had different fathers right?" Jake asked.
"Well yeah. But you act more like your mom did from what your grampa's told us about her. So Ed's gotta be like his old man." Spud replied. He pulled out an old lillipop from his pocket. "I was wondering wher ethat went." HE stuck it in his mouth.
Vincent X: Oh HE did. I'm glad I know what HE is doing.
Zeromark: THIS IS FILLER! FILLER NIGHT!
Vincent X: This author can't write anything good that's right!
"Who are you and what have you done with Spud?" Trixie asked as she ate a french fry.
"So, does he have those dragon powers in your family?" Trixie asked, turning back to JAke.
"We don't really know yet." Jake asked.
Vincent X: Who is Spud!?
Zeromark: TO THE INTERNET
Vincent X: Oh it was his friend.
Vincent X: And Trixie was the other friend.
Zeromark: The stoner dude?
Vincent X: Yeah
Lao Shi opened the door to Edward's room. Ed was sound asleep in the old bed. "Winry stop hitting me with that wrench dammit." Hesaid sleepily. "No Al, no cats, I mean it." He turned over.
The old man chuckled and uncovered his young charge. He gasped. Ed had an arm and leg missing. replacing them was a metallic arm and leg.
Zeromark: Oh, hi characters who have conveniently not appeared in this fic!
Vincent X: ...Oh god please don't strip him.
Vincent X: I already had one American Dragon fic scar me.
ďAutomail." Lao Shi said quietly. "But how did it happen?" He asked himself. He quickly uncorked the bottle and poured it on Ed. in a flash Ed transformed into a dragon with Golden Blonde scales. suprisingly, the automail transformed to accomodate these changes.
Zeromark: ...Well, that's convenient.
Vincent X: OF COURSE!
Zeromark: and *ahem*
Zeromark: <Morbo> AUTOMAIL DOES NOT WORK THAT WAY
Vincent X: Logic has no place within these walls!
"Excellent." Lao Shi said. "Tomorrow, I shall inform the council that there is a new dragon." HE watched as Ed's human form reappeared. the blue substance gone. Lao Shi covered his grandson back up and quickly left the room.
Ed opened one of his eyes just after the old man left. "Dragon?" He asked the darkness.
Vincent X: Dragon!
Vincent X: Rock the Dragon!
Zeromark: Oh bollocks.
Vincent X: Fullmetal Ball Z!
To Be Continued...
Review Review Review!
Vincent X: You suck, you suck, you suck.
Zeromark: Vincent, we have hunting to do.
Zeromark: Get your weapons.
Vincent X: Get your motor running!
Zeromark: I'm not riding in your motorcycle's side-car.
Vincent X: Must...design...Iron Man armor...to fight bad authors.
Vincent X: Rock!
Vincent X: Rock BIKER!
Zeromark: Well, I just happen to have spare Iron Man and War Machine armors.
Zeromark: Wanna try them out?
Vincent X: I call Iron Man!
Zeromark: Fine with me.
Vincent X: Is it the modication armor that can change modes?
Vincent X: *modification
Vincent X: Drill Mode!
Zeromark: Does it matter?
Zeromark: We can blow authors up.
Vincent X: Yes, because then it's from the 90's show and that means it's awesome.
Zeromark: Then we have work to do.
Zeromark: Let's get to work.
Vincent X: *blows shit up*