Title: Tears of a Dragon (?)
Description: Another story...
Mewi1 - January 3, 2011 02:05 PM (GMT)
So yeah, I've started writing this story (again) and actually think I might do a bit more of this one than another story I've wrote on my computer (Yay :D). The problem is I'm still thinking of a title. :/ For now it's either 'Tears of a Dragon' or 'Secrets of Dragons' but I might find a more suitable one soon but for now, I think I'll stay with 'Tears of a Dragon'.
Anyway, for now, here's the prelude and criticism is much appreciated ^^
I laid there, waiting. I didn’t want to close my eyes, it scared me. I’ve been having the same dream for around a week know. It was a memory, one that almost always had me in tears every time I saw it but I never want to forget it. It was important to me, more important than anything else, but for some unknown reason this memory had been eating away at me like there was something missing and someone badly wanted me to remember it.
I felt myself drifting away from contuse, my eyesight starting to blink. I sighed. I couldn’t force myself to stay awake anymore, I just left my eyes to close.
The dream took over.
“Tasha, come on!” someone shouted. The voice was female, it was soothing and warming but I could sense the hint of fear in her voice.
I was only four, my brownie hair was up in a ponytail at the top of my head though some strands still fell down my face. I couldn’t remember what I was doing, I could only remember that I was sitting in a large room on a dark leather sofa with a backpack in my hands.
“Coming!” I squeaked back before running out of the room, my bag pack know safely on my back. I stopped by a tall slim woman with long blonde hair in the passage way, a tall door just in front of us. She took hold of my hand and said softly, “Come on then,”
I nodded and I remember her smiling at me before she started walking to the door in front of us, I followed behind her my hand still in hers. As the door opened I saw a large vanilla car in front of me. It back door was open revealing three coal seats which next second I was sitting on, the blonde woman at my side. The machine then started to move and before I knew it a movie played through the window. I turned my head to look at the woman but she was also looking out the window, unfortunately a different one to the one I’d been looking at. I turned back and saw the large city fly before me with many different people hurrying through the streets even as early as it was.
The busy streets seemed to calm as we travelled further. The buildings shrunk as the businesses died down and slowly turned into homes. There where barley anyone walking these streets, I only saw a couple of people still in their pyjamas doing stuff in their front garden and a man walking his dog, the wind almost whisking his hat off his head and his dogs blonde fur knotted it’s self over it’s body. It was around ten minutes before the buildings disappeared and green was the only thing you could see on the ground for miles around us except for the grey road out car drove on.
Another ten minutes past before I finally saw something different. Not far from the road was a very large blood red building and just behind it was a giant city with many large skyscrapers shadowing it. It travelled almost as far I could see in almost every direction. Then I saw a turning awaken from the road that travelled into the city and also up to the giant building. The car turned and travelled up the road and then turned again towards the blood red manner hours and seconds afterwards the vehicle stopped before it.
“We going in?” I asked and then I heard the blonde woman giggle slightly before saying “Of course my dear,” and then climbing out of the car and a man opening my the door beside me. I looked up at his face and just saw a blur. All I knew is that he was tall, really tall, and had spiky black hair on the top of his head. He held out his hand. I took it and he helped me out the car. I smiled at him like a thank you, he just nodded his head and let go of my hand.
“Come on Natasha,” the golden haired woman said, holding out her hand but for some reason her head faced the manor before us. But still, I skipped up to her and put my hand in hers before we walked through the door. We walked into a large corridor that looked like it stretched to other end of the building. The corridor had many doors coming room it and a large staircase was just to our side. In front of us stood a short woman, around forty or fifty years old. She wore plain rounded glasses and the end of her nose and had short curly brunette hair. She had gentle eyes and thin lips and as she walked towards us I saw she walked leaning to the left a little.
“Hello my dear, could you maybe go into this room for me, I…” she started but her voice stopped even though her lips kept moving. I looked up at the female beside me she said “Go on, it’ll be fun.” I obeyed and walked into the room next to the old woman to see a large room full of young children from around the age of three to maybe ten. They where either running around or playing with one of the many toys scattered around the room. The only person not doing so was a girl sitting by the large window which showed the countryside and the long road outside. I walked up to her and sat by her side. She looked around five and had chocolate hair that flowed down half way down her back. She didn’t look at me, just kept looking out the window. If was a couple of seconds later before she sighed and then looked at me before pointing out the window. I looked and heard a engine rumble. Then, before I knew it, the car I was just in past the window, the woman sitting in the pack seat with the tall man’s hand on her shoulder. He was looking at me when they past and smiled a very happy grin.
Then, the dream went black and I opened my eyes. I stared at the sealing and sighed, my eyes where a little misty, like always. It saddens me to think that that was the last time I saw that woman, she left me without saying goodbye or giving me an explanation on why she left me in that building. The blood red manor house, the care home which to this day, at the age of fourteen, is still my home. Children normally come and go but no one ever adopts me and to me honest I don’t want them to. As much as I dislike this place, it’s home and it wouldn’t feel the same anywhere less packed, noisy or busy. But then I ask myself, did that woman want to leave me here, did that man, who ever he was, force her too and he had finally got his way and that’s why he was smiling? Whatever it was, there is nothing I can do to chance that she left me here, the blonde woman, my mother.
Snoweh - January 4, 2011 09:11 PM (GMT)
How can everyone write more then me? ;;
Nellie Lovett - January 4, 2011 10:11 PM (GMT)
Because you fail.
I'll read and critique this later. >.>
Mewi1 - January 5, 2011 05:23 PM (GMT)
|QUOTE (Snoweh @ Jan 4 2011, 09:11 PM)|
| How can everyone write more then me? ;; |
It's because I think too much about these storys so when I write them it just all comes out. Just practice and you'll do it easly.
Thanks Nellie ^^
espeonbird - January 5, 2011 06:11 PM (GMT)
Mewi1 writes BILLIONS of stories. Each more awesome than the last :3
This one seems really interesting, but what is it about, exactly? Dragons?
Mewi1 - January 5, 2011 07:14 PM (GMT)
Thanks EB ^^ And you just need to wait and find out ;)
I'm going to try and finish chapter 1 tonight and I'll post it as soon as I can.
Kyta - January 9, 2011 05:20 PM (GMT)
Gahhh I keep meaning to read this! my first impression after going over a little bit of it was that it's awesome. For someone of your young age, writing of this quality is outstanding! I noticed multiple grammar errors, but that's to be expected ^^;. Your writing now is FAR better than my writing at your age was, I believe. Nice going :D
espeonbird - January 9, 2011 09:18 PM (GMT)
WHY ARE THERE MULTICOLOURED BURGERS ON THE AD UNDER THE TOPIC
Kyta - January 10, 2011 07:40 AM (GMT)
|QUOTE (espeonbird @ Jan 9 2011, 09:18 PM)|
| WHY ARE THERE MULTICOLOURED BURGERS ON THE AD UNDER THE TOPIC |
EVERYTIME I SEE THAT AD I'M LIKE 'OH MY GOD WHAT ARE THOSE, WHY WOULD YOU EVEN MAKE A GREEN BURGER WHY WOULD YOU DO THAT!?'
Mewi1 - January 10, 2011 12:11 PM (GMT)
|QUOTE (Kyta @ Jan 9 2011, 05:20 PM)|
|Gahhh I keep meaning to read this! my first impression after going over a little bit of it was that it's awesome. For someone of your young age, writing of this quality is outstanding! I noticed multiple grammar errors, but that's to be expected ^^;. Your writing now is FAR better than my writing at your age was, I believe. Nice going :D|
Thanks a lot Kyta ^^
I can't see the burgers, I got Sky deals instead D:
Katra! - January 10, 2011 05:16 PM (GMT)
Oh my god this is so good Mewi1! tbh I didn't expect it to be so good :3
It's like I'm reading a legit fantasy book. I want moar x3
espeonbird - January 10, 2011 05:58 PM (GMT)
Don't abandon this story pleeeeese D:
Mewi1 - January 10, 2011 06:17 PM (GMT)
Thanks Katra ^^ Don't worry EB, I'm not. I've been helping a friend with her story so I haven't been able to write much of this. Hopefully I'll get the first chapter up soon or maybe a part of it, depends on how fast I type.
espeonbird - January 10, 2011 06:39 PM (GMT)
Katra! - January 11, 2011 07:09 PM (GMT)
The best writing advice anyone's ever given me was to just write already. It can be about anything, as long as it motivates you and gets you going.
Quizas - January 12, 2011 02:48 PM (GMT)
|QUOTE (Katra! @ Jan 11 2011, 07:09 PM)|
| The best writing advice anyone's ever given me was to just write already. It can be about anything, as long as it motivates you and gets you going. |
Dat good advice. It deserves the:
espeonbird - January 24, 2011 04:31 PM (GMT)
Mewi1 - January 24, 2011 06:11 PM (GMT)
I've been quite slow and typing the last few days, too many distractions XD drawing being one of them >.> Hopefully I'll post the next chapter soon.
espeonbird - January 24, 2011 07:20 PM (GMT)
Corruption - January 24, 2011 07:22 PM (GMT)
espeonbird - January 24, 2011 07:50 PM (GMT)
Corruption - January 24, 2011 07:57 PM (GMT)
espeonbird - January 24, 2011 08:37 PM (GMT)
Corruption - January 24, 2011 08:37 PM (GMT)
espeonbird - January 24, 2011 08:58 PM (GMT)
In most of my classes. Looks at porn in religion.
Mewi1 - January 31, 2011 06:32 PM (GMT)
After around a month I actualy wrote the first chapter XD
Chapter 1 ~ A Friend
I sat up. I looked around and saw the usual, my room. It’s small but at least it’s private. I was the only one in the manor with their own room only because my mother requested it (or so I heard) but I think it’s because Jane had a soft spot for me. Jane’s the old woman from my dream, still working here, still taking care of us. I’m surprised she’s still here, many people thought she would have retired by now.
I looked down to see a red blanket covering my legs and part of my stomach. I pulled it off myself then pulled my legs over so they hung off my bed. I pushed myself and landed safely on my carpet. I turned to my desk sitting happily under my bed. I looked at my clock, it showed the numbers, ‘6:02’. I crossed my arms and bit my lip thinking what I should do next. I turned on my heel to the opposite direction to face a large mirror, showing myself with my brownie hair with fell to by shoulders all knotted after around five hours of sleep. My skin was slightly tanned but my face looked tired. Black covered below my eyes and my deep blue eyes where a little red looking like I’d just cried. I was slim and was around five foot five last time I checked. I was wearing my blue sleeveless t-shirt and stripped trousers that came almost over my feet.
I turned ninety degrees to face a window. I walked up to it and pulled the curtains to the side slightly and looked out. I saw the same countryside as my dream but instead of green I saw buildings, the rest of the city. It stretched right to the town that I used to live in. This city is now name Castelia, the main city of the region of Unova.
I looked up at the night sky to see the moon shinning proudly in the centre. There was no stars, there was nearly never any. Though, to the right of the moon it looked like there was something there. It was quite large but it looked more like a shadow than anything else. I blinked and it disappeared. I’m seriously going mad I thought before closing the curtains. Then, before I turned I heard a continuous beeping sound coming from the side of me. I turned my head to see the numbers ‘6:15’ flashing on the screen. I walked over and pressed the button on the top, it stopped.
I pulled my bag out from under the desk and slumped it on top. I pulled everything from it except my pencil case and stuffed it in my draw before pulling out a notepad and replacing them. I walked to my chestier draws and pulled out some spare clothes and putting them in. I also got out my school uniform and then turned to the two doors beside me and walked through the one to my right. Through it was a small bathroom including a toilet, sink, shower and a small basket to the side of the sink.
I pulled out my tooth brush and paste and brushed my teeth before changing into my school uniform. The uniform was simple, a shirt and a red and yellow stripped tie with plain black trousers and a long-sleeved cardigan. I walked back into my room and pulled my bag over my shoulder and walked through the door to the left instead.
I stepped out into the corridor. Only another door was on the corridor and stairs that led right down to the bottom floor in a spiral shape. The door led into another bedroom. It was the biggest in the manor but has been empty for several years now, Jane said that a bunch of teenagers used to sleep there and in the end left to be trainers, Pokemon trainers.
For you who don’t now, Pokemon are almost like animals of your world but, unlike animals, they are able to do amazing things like breathe fire or summon lightning. They also are able to turn into a stronger version of themselves when something happens or they reach a certain strength. Pokemon trainers do exactly as their name suggest, they train Pokemon. Most use their strongest for battling or others for contest which are mostly based on showing of their look either than strength. They use things named Pokeballs to capture and keep their Pokemon. A single Pokeball is normally the size of your palm and when they reach a Pokemon then open up and turn the Pokemon into a ball of energy before pulling it into it. This doesn’t always succeed because they either not weak enough to be captured or have been captured before. See, if you capture a Pokemon it can’t be captured again until you the person who did releases it, which doesn’t normally happen.
People normally become Pokemon trainers at the age of ten. This might seem odd to think that letting a ten year old travel and train a fire breathing dragon on their own but in my world there is a bit of a difference between our worlds ages. Someone might be a certain age but acts around two years older than a human from your world. This isn’t always true, it depends on what blood type you, that’s what they say anyway. I think that’s a bunch on nonsense because I’ve never met anyone different to that. Then again, I only live in Castelia.
I walked to the stairs and went down three floors before reaching the second to bottom floor. I walked out into the corridor. It was on line going strait down the middle with around five doors on either side. I walked down to the first on the left. My bag kept hitting my legs after every step, making a rustling sound as the items moved around. I stopped in front of the door and pulled out of my pocket a metal ring with three different keys hanging off of it. I put the middle one into the lock and turned it before the door opened. I pulled it back out and stuffed it into my pocket before walking in.
The room was a large kitchen that looked almost like the ones you get in schools except it had a a small dinning table and chairs in the middle. It was large room with multiple fridges, freezers, cookers and many more different things. I walked to the table and dubbed my bag on the top and then went to the biggest fridge in the furthest corner of the room. I pulled out a bottle of milk and a box of corn flakes from the cupboard beside it. I half ran half walked to the other side of the room and grabbed a bowl from the drying rack and jogged back over and made myself some cereal before sitting down.
I checked the clock to see the numbers ‘6:48’ (Yep, all clocks in his place are digital. Easier I guess.). I sat back and relaxed my shoulders.
“Big day,” I muttered to myself and then started stabbing my cereal with my spoon. That’s what the my registration teacher Mr. Evans had told me the Friday before. He’d said that it the start might be boring but it’ll get better. You see, toady is what they call the ‘big step’ when we stop our studies and get to train to be Pokemon trainer. We have this six month training (If you stay on for it all, if not, only six weeks) before we’re able to go. Most people who do this don’t even be a trainer they just do it because they don’t have to do as many classes. I really see no point in it, who gave those ten year olds the training to go out? I don’t know anyone who did. Then again, they grew up knowing their going to be trainers unlike the ones who stayed on for school (unfortunately me being one of them) who ‘want’ to get a job. Most of them where pushed by their parents even though they won’t admit it.
I sighed before starting to eat my corn flakes, Mr. Evans words going through my head. For some reason they annoyed me as much as a person repeatingly poking their finger into my arm. I ate in till there was only milk in the bowl. I stood up and took it the sink before slowly poring the white liquid down the drain. After it finished I placed the bowl into the sink then walked back to the biggest fridge, taking out a bottle of water and a two cheese sandwiches that I made the night before. I took them over to my bag and put them in before walking back out of the room, locking the door behind me.
I walked down the staircase to the floor below and through the first door. This room was the one with many children in it from my dream. It still had that large window and the same wooden boards on the floor but instead of being a playroom it was some sort of living room with a sofa going along the bottom half of the room and a television placed on a desk in the middle room and then facing the other way another television facing a three seat sofa. The television facing that way had three gaming consoles around it and many wires tied around each other. There was also an old computer facing the small sofa on a separate desk with a Wi-Fi box sitting happily on the computer unit.
I walked over to it and sat on the chair in front of it and switched it on. It made a loud rumbling noise before a couple of lights flashed and the screen came to life. I pulled my bag from on my shoulder and put it on the floor beside me. It was another ten minutes before it was able to load the internet making many rumbling noises in the process like it really had enough of people starting it up multiple times a day. I searched the internet for a while until I heard a very loud bell ring and then a many thumping sounds as many children ran down the stairs. Around twenty young children, both boys and girls, ran into the room and started fighting over seats on the large sofa, all of them of course wanted the best view of the television. One of them put the television on and the noises of the television filled the room. I sighed and got up, pulling my bag back over my shoulder and stood next to the door.
“Natasha, why are you dressed?” a small girl asked from the sofa. She had long messy blonde hair and wore light pink pyjamas like almost every other girl did in the manor. I remembered her name as Rebecca.
“Big day at school today,” I answered walking over to her.
“What you going to do?” she asked sweetly.
“I’m going to train to be a Pokemon trainer,” I smiled at her and a cense of confusion came over her face.
“How do you train to be a trainer. People from our school just go out, is it because you go to the posh school?”
“It’s not a posh school, just, y’know, there are a lot of posh kids going there,”
“So posh school. If you go there does that mean your posh, you and Leo?”
“No, I don’t act to all them stuck up snobs do I?”
“I don’t know, you would if you could,” said an older voice from behind me. I looked to see Leo standing in the same uniform as I but without the cardigan. Leo was in the same year as I and we both came here around the same time. But unlike me, Leo has been back and fore from this place for around seven years. But, Leo never stays anywhere long, the longest being a month before she almost set the couples kitchen on fire. She was a little shorter than I and had short blonde hair that always flicked out at the bottom. Around her wrist was a bracelet made of dice that her father had given her before he left to live in Jubilife City in Sinnoh around two years ago. Leo and her dad where close but he couldn’t afford to keep her but still kept in touch time to time, unlike many other parents.
“I guess, too all them pretty girls in my year,” I replied.
“Yeah, the one’s who give us blonde’s a bad rep,” she grumbled before sitting next to Rebecca. I smiled, Leo almost always made me feel better.
“So Smithy, you looking forward?” I asked.
“Can you stop calling me Smithy? It makes me sound like a boy,”
“And Leo doesn’t?” Rebecca asked, the small seven year old looking up at the older girl beside her. I smiled and Leo glared and me, she didn’t like it when people said her name suited boys better.
“What have I done? She said it,” I grinned and she just sat lower in her seat. I stood and went to sit next to her before asking her again, “You looking forward?”
“Kind of, but I keep getting the feeling I’ll be with someone like Stephan who can’t even say a sentence without saying a math question first. He’ll be battling and doing his homework at the same time,” Leo said and looked at me, “As you should know.”
“If I get him again I’m going to hit someone. I’ve had him as a partner for almost every teamwork, he just get’s in the way, not even his brains are helpful because he isn’t actually that smart,” I replied. “Anyway, I guess we should go, it’s quarter past.”
Leo grumbled and stood, I did the same.
“Why are you going so early?” Rebecca asked also standing up.
“Schools starting early,” I answered with a smile.
“Why?” she squeaked. I knew what was coming next.
“Because teachers hate our guts, as do the other schools and the people who are doing this with us. So mainly adults hate us so they makes us get up early and then we sit there and do nothing for an hour before they lecture us on some usless….” Leo ranted but her voice disappeared as she walked to the door. Just to say, Leo loves ranting about school or about anything that annoys her, it’s quite amusing to say the least.
“See you later,” I said to Rebecca before giving her a hug and then walking after Leo who was still going on. I opened the door and pulled her out into the street.
She carried on for around five minutes before she finally ended up saying, “And that’s why teenagers hate all adults.”
“You mean you hate most adults?” I asked
“Precisely,” She replied with a large grin. It took us another ten minutes before reaching our bus stop. It was just a simple green bus shelter and a small sign next to a tall brick wall. It was normally us, two boys from our school and three small children who waited at the bus stop, but today it was only us. It was a nice day today, the sun shinned happily in the sky even so early. The sky had almost no clouds and the sky was a happy baby blue.
Leo and I chatted for awhile before a white minibus pulled up in front of us. I climbed on first spare seat in the second row. Leo smiled at me before walking up the back with her other friends. I sat on my own, as usual. There wasn’t many people I knew from my year on the bus. I recognized a couple of faces but not many I could put a name too.
The bus roared and started moving again. I just stared out the window, the long brick wall carrying on for a while before the scene changed into a long row of businesses and homes. The dream started slipping into my mind and I had to keep shaking my head to try and stop it. The bus stopped once more and the door opened. Only one boy came onto the bus. I turned to look to see who it was but normally not taking much notice but this time, it seemed almost different. He had chocolate eyes, and hair which looked like he hadn’t done anything to it so just looked like a mop on his head. He seemed to be a little muscular but didn’t seem that tall. He pulled his bag of his back and sat on the seat next to me. He didn’t even look at me, just started chatting to the boys on the other seats next to him.
I sighed. Their all the same, I thought and just turned my head back towards the window and tried to keep my mind of the annoying thoughts. I did so and failed many times on the way up to the school. As the bus turned a corner the oversized castle-like school appeared in front of us. Castle-like must have been the best description with it’s tall towers, stone walls and that ancient feel that just blazed off of it. It used to be one of the main castles in Castelia where Princess Olivia stayed when she came to Unova back before the human age. It had a tall door in the centre and windows going all along the walls both sideward’s and upwards.
The bus pulled up next to the row of busses and the door swung open. Every person on that bus stood up and before I knew it, half of them had already ran out. The others started walking out, leaving the boy next to me and myself left. He followed the rest of them, myself just behind. As I walked out the door, the wind swept my hair and pushed it with it. The door closed behind me and I started walking to the doors. There were teenagers from year ten scattered over the grounds, many of which where going in the same direction as I. Then, I felt a tap on my shoulder. I turned my head to see the boy who was sitting next to me.
“Natasha is it? I’m Luke, Luke Williams,” he said with a smile.
“How do you know my name?” I asked, quiet surprised by him even taking notice of me.
“I guess it is, Mr Evans told me to come find you this morning. You see, I’m moving into his registration class,” he said with a grin.
“Oh, so you’re the new boy. Just follow me, he’s my registration teacher as well,” I replied before turning to face the doors and walking through them.
“Hey, wait up!” he shouted to me before I heard him running up to beside me, “You aren’t used to company are you? Anyway, may I ask why Mr Evans has a picture of you in his wallet?”
“It’s complicated and personal so I’d rather you not ask. And yes, I’m not used to company and if Mr Evans told you to try and have a conversation with me I’d rather you shut it and leave me alone,” I snapped just loud enough for only him to hear. I looked away from him and concentrated on the way I was walking. Of course, he didn’t listen and carried on talking.
“Actually he didn’t and I’m not lying. This might be surprising to you but I want to talk to you and if you don’t snap at people so fast maybe you’ll have more friends, not just Leo Smith who leaves your side as soon as there are other people around!” he shouted, his voice echoing in the empty corridor. We both stopped and I looked at him and replied,
“You’ve been stalking me or what?”
“No. Well, a little I guess, but still, that doesn’t mean what I’m saying isn’t right and trust me many people agree with me.”
“Almost everyone, even Leo. You can be really nice but maybe you should stop being in your own little world for a little while and talk and that’s talk, not shout or have a go at them like you usually do.”
I looked at him for a couple of seconds, taking in everything he had said before sighing. Unfortunately, he was right.
“I’ll try but that’s not a guaranty, it’s what happens when you feel unhappy twenty-four seven. Come on, our class is only up the stairs,” I said and then starting walking again. I could she him smiling at me through the corner of my eye and I had too look away to not do it myself.
As you can see by what Luke had just said, I don’t get along with many people and to be honest, many people have told me what he had just said and every time I would shout back at them. But for some reason, I couldn’t really do the same for him, like his words had real meaning behind them. But then again, didn’t he admit he’d been stalking me? Mr Evans probably told him but then again, you never know. I shock my head to get the conversation out of my head and tried too think of something else. I tried to live in present not the past, that’s the reason why I try not to think about anything that’s happened, even something that only happened moments ago.
We walked up the stairs and turned into a side corridor to face a door with the words, ‘Mr Evans, Ancient History 1’ on the sign on the door. I pushed the door and it flew open to reveal a normal sized classroom filled with teenagers. There were tables in lines in the middle of the room with teenagers sitting on top of them. There was a large white board and desk at the front with a vanilla Mac computer placed on it. Over the walls were many posters with different Pokemon and people all over them. Then, sitting on the seat by the desk was Mr Evans himself. He looked in his thirties and had very short brown hair and shinning green eyes. He wore his usual black suit and his bag wrapped around his neck and arm even though he was sitting down.
I started walking towards him, Luke followed, closing the door with a loud slam behind him. With this noise, almost everyone’s eyes turned to our direction. I saw Leo sitting with her group of friends, almost every single one of them covered in makeup. Leo smiled widely and before I smiled back, I saw her eyes were looking behind me, at Luke of course. We both walked over to Mr Evans who was still staring at the computer screen.
“Mr Evans?” I asked. He looked up at me and then behind me to Luke. He smiled and stood, his eyes looking back at me. His facial expression showed like he was waiting for something. “What?” I asked.
“Do you have to pick an argument with everyone? Don’t answer that, I’ll talk to you later,” he said before walking up to Luke and holding out his hand, “Glad to have you in my class, I hope you settle in nicely.” he then turned to me and said, “You, a word.”.
This didn’t happen often. Those three words, “You, a word.” must have been the most scariest words ever spoken when they came out of his mouth. I knew I had been pushing my luck with him for awhile but I never thought he would bring it into school. I turned and smiled at Luke, he did the same before walking to the sea of teenagers. Mr Evans started walking to the door I’d just came through. I followed him outside. The door slammed tight and he turned to me. We both looked at each other, both waiting for the other person to speak. I was normally good at this but his eyes were literally forcing me the say something.
“Okay, what have I done or are you just bringing me out here to freak me out of something?” I complained. He laughed. “What’s so funny?”
“You need to calm down. Do you want the good news or bad?” He asked.
“Best for last, like always.” I replied, a little confused
“Okay, it seems the last few weeks, months, years, I’m not sure, you’ve been picking arguments with everyone, even myself. So, me and Jane think it has something to do with where you’re living so, we’ve decided that, if you like, you can come and live with me.”
“So, in other words, I have to come and live with you?”
“Well, yeah, pretty much. What do you think?”
“If I had a choice, I’d rather stay where I am.”
“I know it’ll be weird, it’ll be for me too but don’t worry after you’ve turned sixteen you can move, only a year and a bit. So, what about next week sound?”
“Oh, a month or so?”
“A week after my birthday.”
“But that’s almost three months from now!”
“And, I’ll be halfway through this Pokemon thing, then I’ll be used to it so it’ll be easier for me to settle in,”
“Oh, okay. I’ll talk to Jane tonight,” he grinned, then took hold of the door handle. I stopped him from opening it.
“Good news?” I asked.
“Oh, yeah. Uh, you know I said I’ll find you a friend as awkward as yourself? Well, Luke’s that person.” and before I could reply, he was already in the classroom.
It was another ten minutes before we reached the main hall. There must have been over four hundred seats in the hall, all in rows, around forty seats a row, one row for each class while seats for teachers scattered around the side. As we walked in, each one of us were given a number. On each seat, there was also a number, of course, we had to sit on our number. After we sat down, I noticed that everyone was sitting boy girl. So, on my right sat Luke (of course) and on my other, Stephan.
But, enough of them, I know I have some explaining to do. First of all, you might think that a teachers telling his student that they can stay with them is a bit, well, odd but Mr Evans is my fathers brother so not really. Also, my dad’s dead. All I know is that they found him dead in his kitchen. They said he was electrocuted too death or something. I never knew him myself, all I know is the things that my uncle told me about him.
I found out my dad was dead only a week after Jane got his details and I was going to go see him in Johto. I was nine at the time and ever since then my personality or even me as a whole has changed. People say I’ve become more snappy, awkward, harder to talk with, that sort of thing. John (Mr Evans) said that he was going to find someone one day who I could relate too, I guess Luke was his answer.
Also, Ancient History is different to normal history, it’s about the first Ancients or Hearted Stone Holders. They were the two first type of living beings but I’ll get too that another time.
So, what do you guys think? Don't worry, next chapter'll be better, I was being quiet lazy with a lot of this one XD
espeonbird - January 31, 2011 07:01 PM (GMT)
You seem to use I alot, mabe you could change the sentence around.
"I sat up. I looked around and saw the usual, my room. "
Could be changed too:
"I sat up. Looking around, I saw the usuall, my room."
Also, you don't have to explain every detail of what she's doing, like brushing her teeth and sutch. Reading a bunch of detail about nothing interesting that dosn't fit in with the plot in the end makes the reader bored :P
But you could do something like...someone meets someone making the reader think "Why'd they meet her? That was a waste of time." and then making that character they met have a huge role towards the end of the story then... BAM "OHHHHHH!"
Hope this helps :3
I enjoy this story very much :D
Mewi1 - January 31, 2011 07:13 PM (GMT)
Yeah, I have a habbit in genral of explaining stuff too much and our teachers keeps telling us the explain stuff even more so it's like, urg, really? I do it too much already XD Thanks for the advice though ^^
Kyta - January 31, 2011 07:44 PM (GMT)
|QUOTE (espeonbird @ Jan 31 2011, 07:01 PM)|
| But you could do something like...someone meets someone making the reader think "Why'd they meet her? That was a waste of time." and then making that character they met have a huge role towards the end of the story then... BAM "OHHHHHH!" |
This is what I'm doing in HoA. The guy in the chapter that I just released like yesterday or the day before is a key player in the second part (out of three) of the story of HoA... we're currently on part 1 of 3, lol.
But yes, I haven't read it all yet, but it seems good :D I'll give a general overview of it and what I thought was good and tips and such for writing when I've read it fully.
espeonbird - February 1, 2011 09:10 PM (GMT)
Tell your teachers that Eebee says that too mutch detail makes you bored D:<
And i'll hand write a note why, scan it and tell you to print it off to show them >3>
Mewi1 - February 2, 2011 07:57 AM (GMT)
lol There's no need too do that XD Unfortunatley for me we're not in set's yet so I have to do work that goes with everyone else :/
obscuReference - February 2, 2011 08:37 PM (GMT)
this story is naise
just a tip
you start too many sentences with "I"
you could be like instead of
"I sat up and looked out of the window"
"Sitting up, I looked out the window and into.."
i lurve your writing, but the "I" just annoys me :c
Mewi1 - February 2, 2011 08:45 PM (GMT)
Yeah, I like 'I' by the looks of things XD
espeonbird - February 2, 2011 08:48 PM (GMT)
|QUOTE (obscuReference @ Feb 2 2011, 08:37 PM)|
| this story is naise|
just a tip
you start too many sentences with "I"
you could be like instead of
"I sat up and looked out of the window"
"Sitting up, I looked out the window and into.."
i lurve your writing, but the "I" just annoys me :c
Kyta - July 20, 2011 05:18 PM (GMT)