Unatainable Amnesty, KoRn Fanfic

[Damien Hellion]

Unattainable Amnesty

God I don’t even know were to start.

Every morning I wake up, hoping he’ll come running into the room, asking me to make him breakfast, take him to school, anything. Hope I’ll wake up and find out it was all just a bad dream.

God he was so young. Ten years old. He had so much to live for. I always thought he’d grow up, start writing songs about how much he hates me for not being there for him just like I did about my father. For always being gone on tour. Even if he did I’d be happy for him, for fulfilling his dream. I wish I were there for him. Now I can’t. I never can.

I always thought that working as a coroner’s assistant would be the most traumatizing thing in my life seeing so many dead bodies thrown onto a slab like a piece of meat. But it was nothing compared to see that Mac truck coming towards my little boy.

I remember when he was in first grade, the first day he came home and said a boy at school was picking on him. I looked at him sympathetically just as my father did to me at that age, understanding what he was going through. I asked him what he did. I laughed so hard when he told me he kicked the boy in the stomach and made him cry. He was so strong for his age, not physically, but mentally. He wouldn’t take anything from anyone. If I had been even half as strong as him maybe I would had a chance to live a normal life, to give him a better life. God knows he gave me one. He helped me, just by being born. Because of him I stopped doing drugs, stopped drinking, stopped smoking. He saved me, but I couldn’t save him.

Actually, I did save him. Not when it mattered of course, but I did. Every night I lay awake going over the situation over and over in my head, thinking of how it could have gone differently. How I could have saved him. If I had moved a bit quicker, been a bit faster, I could have saved him. And I do. But not when it counted.

God, I wish I could let it out. Cry. But I can’t. It’s as if, if I cry, then the reality that he’s gone will be permanent. If I don’t cry, no matter how much I want too, he’ll come back. But I know he won’t.

I know that Renee’s blaming me, and I don’t blame her for it. She has every right to. I blame myself. Everyone says it wasn’t my fault, But I should have been watching him better. I just hope that one day she will be able to forgive me, not completely, I don’t even think I can forgive myself completely. And most of all, I hope he’ll be able to forgive me. For all the mistakes I have made. For being gone so god damn much. I just hope that one day I will see him again.

[Azure Le Vox]

I remember when you wrote that.

[Damien Hellion]

I know you do

[Azure Le Vox]

It still is just as sad as the first time I read it.

This post has been edited by Damien Hellion on Mar 8 2007, 07:54 PM